z

Young Writers Society


16+

Electric Green- 1

by crobbins


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

“Gayyyyy!” A blur of letterman jackets rushes by Nathan, the created sea of red and white eventually parting to reveal a disgruntled kid curled up in a corner. He had bright green hair that could stand out in any crowd- the kind of electric color that would give even a flashlight a run for their money- practically glow in the dark. Nathan could understand why he would be a moving target. The way he slumped over and grabbed his books he was carrying broke Nate’s heart- it did.

He was on his way to help- he really was. His feet were carrying him through the onslaught of freshman wandering the halls trying to find their homeroom. He must’ve been only inches away, with his mouth open, syllables forming, when his arm was pulled suddenly, and he was swept into the stampede.

“Bro, what are you doing?” Jeremy yelled over the roar of the crowd of new students. He raked his hand through his sandy brown hair, “we gotta read the announcements in five minutes dude.” He shook his head, “already forgetting things are we, boy’o?”

“Cut it out Jeremy,” Nathan muttered under his breath grumpily- he was looking over his shoulder to see where that kid went. He was nowhere to be seen. “Ugh…” Nathan unzipped his school hoodie, and adjusted his backpack a bit to the left.

“Who you got your eye on Nate? Careful, Lia’ll be jeal-“

“Can’t you learn to shut up, Jeremy?” He laughed nervously: “don’t talk about things you don’t know.” They turn a corner, walking farther left to accommodate the difference in the hallway width. The science wing’s hallways (which they were in now) were wider than most classrooms, Nathan had to admit.

Jeremy leaned over annoyingly close to Nate and ruffled his blonde curls. “Aw, did you and Lia have a fight?” They locked eyes: “Did she find your joints again or something?” His voice was dripping in sarcasm.

If there was one thing Nathan hated, it was people sticking their noses in other people's business. Problems are best solved if kept quiet- it always worked for him. No one cares about fights or about how overwhelmed you feel with homework. “Jeremy, just…stop.”

Nothing had happened with Lia. Nothing at all. Jeremy just pissed him off- the best way to annoy a nosy dude was to ignore him. Jeremy was definitely nosy. He spent so much time in other people’s business, and worrying about their lives- it’s a wonder he had time to live his own.

“Sheesh. Fine.” Jeremy huffed, putting his hands in his pockets. If there was one thing that Jeremy hated, it was when Nathan got in these moods. He just tried to make it seem like he cared, and Nathan went and shut down on him.

They finally turn into the office, avoiding the oncoming students, who were gazing down at their course sheets. They’re greeted by Mel, as usual. The cheery, upbeat secretary, (who has been there since the stone age), seemed happy to see everyone, from student council president and vice president to druggies and goths. And somehow, her over-the-top outfits, ranging from sequin dresses to brightly colored, stupid sweaters and neon leggings managed to put smiles on most faces- even if they were there for detention slips.

“Boys! Here for announcements once again! Another year, huh?” She shook her head, her bright yellow hoops shaking along with her head and her crimped blonde locks. “Time flies- it really does.” Jeremy gestured to the loudspeaker phone next to her. She reaches over for it: “First day. Make it a good one, hun!” She says to Jeremy, handing him the phone.

“As always, Ms. M!” He took off his letterman jacket (varsity football, quarterback, two years in a row, thank you very much). He hung it on the chair next to where Nathan had plopped down. Not that he had much seating choice in the office- two lumpy chairs by the door were never too inviting; you’d swear you’re sitting on a camel half the time.

“Ah, balls! Nate, ya got the paper with you?” He turned to face Nate, putting the phone down on the desk. “I didn’t get it.”

“I thought you had it.” Nate sighed at him, slouching further into his seat, his hoodie rising up his back. “You know, since it was your job to grab the announcements.” He glared pointedly.

“Oh. I uh- I didn’t do that either.”

“Figures,” Nate mumbled. “Fine, where is it?” He got up, and pulled the back of his hoodie back down.

“It’s… it’s uh..” Jeremy scratched the back of his neck awkwardly, shifting his weight on one foot to another. He looked damn uncomfortable- which doesn’t match with his normally goofy joch exterior.

“Jesus H, Jeremy- really?” Nate was livid. He had one job. One. As vice president he had one thing he was responsible for. He swore that Jeremy didn’t have one non-athletic bone in his body. “Mel, any idea where it is?”

She shook her head: “No, but if I had to guess, maybe the principal kept another copy. I’d check with him- I think he is in his office.” 

“Thanks.” Nate stormed past Jeremy, not even gracing him with a look in his direction. God, he was mad. He almost hated that kid.

He went through the doorway behind Mel, trailing his hand on the doorframe as he went through. Nate loved the feel of cold metal- refreshing, and a break from the constant heat the school always seemed to be in, no matter the season. The hallway he was in was lined with doors- so many faculty break rooms (like really, Nate didn’t even see the need for 3 different ones. Like what in God’s name will they do with three, come on). He went to the end of the row, and knocked. The little plaque got fixed from last year, the one on the door. Instead of “Principal Jam son” as it read last year, the rogue letter that eventually went missing had been replaced, to read “Principal Jameson.”

The door swung inward, and the tall man greeted Nate. “Well if it isn’t the student president!” He reached his hand out, patting him on the shoulder, and ushering him in. “What do you need?” He sat behind his desk.

“The announcement sheet. Jeremy forgot to grab it. I also need the news sheet.”

Nate always liked Principal Jameson. He always greeted his students warmly, regarding them with a wide smile. He also knew how to dress and what colors matched, something a majority of the male faculty seemed to lack. His suits were always perfectly tailored, and he even manages to pull off the bald haircut. People often compare him to Obama- Nate always thought that was a little racist. Really the only thing they had in common was their race. They looked completely different. Then again, Nate looks into things too deeply most of the time anyways.

“Of course. The kid forgets everything, I’ve learned to make two copies.” He chuckles, walking over to the old filing cabinets and pulling out a folder. Nate likes that about his school- everything seems to be new and improved- new technology everywhere, but it’s filled with little antiques. A wooden filing cabinet here, one of those old desks with the inkwell in the science room, even chalkboards not yet taken down in spare rooms. It’s like walking through a city and seeing a smaller bakery you can tell has been around since the dawn of time.

Soon, two sheets are in his hands- one reading ‘Announcements 9/04,’ the other reading ‘News 9/04.’ “Thanks, Mr. J.” Nate nods at the principal, starting to the door.

“It’ll be a good year, Nate.” He calls after him. “I can feel it.”

His smile is almost infectious. Nate finds himself grinning back at him before he even realizes his facial muscles have moved. “Me too.” He finally exits, walking back through the hallway.

For someone who hates nosy people (like Jeremy), Nate sure does like to look into other people’s business even though he’d never admit it. As he walks back through the hallway, he unconsciously looks into the other three doors. The first two are empty. The last has two people in it- one male one female, both at what he assumes to be the coffee machine. They’re leaned in close. One laughs, or coughs, he isn’t sure. He stops and looks. The dude puts his arm around the girl, and she-

“Dude, come on. We’re almost late.” His view is interrupted by yet another tug on his arm. Jeremy is pulling him back to Mel’s desk. He sees her chuckle at their antics, which only makes him more irritated.

“Would you quit that?” Nate says. He really hates Jeremy feeling like he can pull him around everywhere. He’s not property, for God’s sake.

“Never, bro.” He chuckles, once again fluffing his hair. Not only is that another habit that irritates Nate, but even his hair color makes him a bit mad. It couldn’t have picked one color or the other, no, it had to be both. Like what type of a color is sandy brown anyways. God. He’s such a tryhard.

“Let’s just do this. You’re on Announcements.” He sits down on the same lumpy chair as before. He just wants to get to first period already. He almost would’ve rather gone to homeroom than do this- and that’s saying something. His advisor there, Ms. Davis, was basically a breathing tree stump. She did attendance, then promptly fell asleep every day last year, and the year before that, and the year before that.

Jeremy picks the phone back up on the desk, “Goooood morning, Serack High! Happy first day of school! Announcements for this week; the Chess Club welcomes you to join them on-”

And that’s when Nate rolled his eyes and zoned out. Chess club. Who gives a shit.

Nate being president of student council was honestly the weirdest thing to him. Yet, when he decided to switch from being class rep (a position he held for three years prior), and go for the president position, he managed to beat out Jeremy. He still was amazed by that. He, a nobody, beat out a jock. He’d like to think it was because of his speech, but he knew better.

Serack had its own set of politics. Instead of republicans and democrats, there were the stereotypical jocks and nerds. How disappointing- Nate had wanted to believe that all those high school movies weren’t actually real. He classifies himself as a Libertarian within the school- the sort of odd one out. He didn’t dignify either groups with his membership. He sat with two friends everyday, and he was content. Politics weren’t his thing after all.

So, a school running on a political system would have ruled him out as a candidate immediately. How did he win? Well, Nate has a theory. He figures, as the last encounter as evidence, that the principal rigged it. He likes Nate- or “Nathan” as he calls him.

Maybe Jameson got tired of the airhead jocks running everything. Maybe he saw that Nathan actually had something in his head. But Nate swears- those ballots would not add up in his favor.

Not that he was complaining. He had goals- goals he didn’t make public, sure, but he really did have ambition… well, some. He had one dream. One. He just wanted to go to Medical School. He wanted to be one of those first responder people, the EMTs. But as he’s been told time and time again from teachers over the years, he doesn’t have the grades. Or the ambition, according to most.

That doesn’t stop him from fantasizing. The long hours, the speeding down the highway, saving lives. He supposes it is wrong to be drawn to the job for having power over life and death, but he doesn’t care. It’s his one dream.

He’s jolted out of his dreamland by hearing Jeremy call out his signal to stand and get ready: “and now, we have some school news!” Nate gets up, and grabs the phone from Jeremy’s outstretched hand, only to see Jeremy down where he just got up from. Jackass. That was his spot.

“We only have three pieces of news for you today.” He always reads directly from “First up, we have news from the guidance office. If you want to change classes, the deadline for finalized schedules is next Friday. Secondly, we are now selling tickets to Homecoming! Buy them in the front office or in your homeroom.” Why is that set up now…? Nate already thought dances were ridiculous, but getting tickets ready months in advance? Ew. “And last but not least we have our tryout week, come down and try out for fall sports. Have a great day Serack!” 


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Tue Jul 11, 2017 2:41 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hey there, here for my team tortoise review of the day :)

I'll do some nit-picks as I go through then comment on it overall in a few different categories.

Nit-picks:

A blur of letterman jackets rushes by Nathan, the created sea of red and white eventually parting to reveal a disgruntled kid curled up in a corner. He had bright green hair

Be careful with the switch from present tense to past tense here.

give even a flashlight a run for their money

"their" should probably be "its" given that a flashlight is an inanimate object. You also might want to go with some hyperbole here. The "even" would work well with something obviously an exaggeration, like comparing it to a fireworks display or something.

I got a bit confused in the first paragraph because you open with the bullies running past Nate so I assumed he was the target, then I thought describing him as a cowering kid was just another view, then I thought maybe Nate and Nathan were different people. Anyway, might just want to be slightly clearer here.

The science wing’s hallways (which they were in now) were wider than most classrooms, Nathan had to admit.

I'm unsure why he'd be reluctant to admit this.

Nothing had happened with Lia. Nothing at all. Jeremy just pissed him off- the best way to annoy a nosy dude was to ignore him. Jeremy was definitely nosy. He spent so much time in other people’s business, and worrying about their lives- it’s a wonder he had time to live his own.

I'm a bit confused here. Is Jeremy actually his friend? Right now it just seems a bit like Nate himself is being bullied, but I get the feeling that's not what you were going for.

If there was one thing that Jeremy hated, it was when Nathan got in these moods. He just tried to make it seem like he cared, and Nathan went and shut down on him.

It's been pretty firmly in Nate's POV until now so the switch to Jeremy is a bit distracting.

They’re greeted by Mel, as usual.

Tense switch

which doesn’t match with his normally goofy joch exterior.

And again

like really, Nate didn’t even see the need for 3 different ones. Like what in God’s name will they do with three, come on)

Just for the record my school had one for each department (almost). I don't think we were a massively overpopulated school either, so this might not be the most relatable number.

Then again, Nate looks into things too deeply most of the time anyways.

Tense switch. That also seems like Nate's being rather critical of himself all of a sudden, since the thing seems to be from his perspective.

He classifies himself as a Libertarian within the school- the sort of odd one out. He didn’t dignify either groups with his membership.

That's not really "Libertarian", more non-partisan.

Overall:

Character: So I understand by the end of this that Nate has to put up with Jeremy because of the job they're doing, but because you don't lead with this, I spend a while thinking Jeremy is just an irritating friend. I then get confused when Nate really seems to hate him, which is distracting and makes it harder to get engaged in the story.

I think you might be telling me too much about Nate all at once. His thoughts about the school are something that could be added to throughout the first few chapters, as well as his one goal. Instead I think I would describe this as infodump, which can also make it difficult to engage.

Setting: You do well with dropping details in here and there and you tell me the interesting things about the school, not just how many chairs are in each room etc. Good job here.

Plot: Your opening ironically suffers from being too interesting. My first thought is that this story is going to be about the kid being bullied for being gay so I keep waiting for it to get back to that and it took me a while to realise it wasn't going to.

I think you should lead with the task that they have to do because it took me ages to figure out what was going on, and it's not like this chapter would lose anything from a lack of suspense. It's about Nate's frustration, which would be more powerful with a build-up from a solid foundation of knowing where we are.

Flow: The tense switches get really confusing and I think you should choose either present or past tense.

You also go from third person limited to omniscient quite a lot. Omniscient is fine if that's the way you want to go, but it needs to be consistent.

I know this has been quite harsh, but you do have some interesting conflicts that I can see arising and have set your story up well.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)




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Mon Jul 10, 2017 5:48 am
Sassafras wrote a review...



Heya, crobbins! I'm here to review your work today ^^

First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you come to find a home here ^^ Now, let's get started.

I can see we're alike in writing style. I love a good hyphen, and I see that you do to. When I was younger, and even now, I had a problem with overuse of puncuation. I wanted to add in every pause, stumble, and stutter in the flow of my writing, just like it sounded in my head. But, I came to realize that by doing so, my writing became littered with ellipses and hyphens and colons. It was far too messy.

Some aspects of voice, rhythm, and tone have to be left up to the reader. Anything else becomes intrusive and, at best, a distraction.

They finally turn into the office, avoiding the oncoming students, who were gazing down at their course sheets. They’re greeted by Mel, as usual. The cheery, upbeat secretary, (who has been there since the stone age), seemed happy to see everyone, from student council president and vice president to druggies and goths. And somehow, her over-the-top outfits, ranging from sequin dresses to brightly colored, stupid sweaters and neon leggings managed to put smiles on most faces- even if they were there for detention slips.


Okay, let's take a look at the paragraph above. Even at a first glance, you can tell there's a lot going on here. Let's start at the first sentence.

They finally turn into the office, avoiding the oncoming students, who were gazing down at their course sheets.[/b]


Now, what stands out to me here is that phrase at the end, "who were gazing...". When reading, this part feels awkwardly tacked on. There are three verbs in this one sentence. That's a lot of nothing happening. I know this sentence is trying to set up atmosphere, but there's a way to do that in less time.

"They finally turn into the office, avoiding the oncoming students gazing down at their course sheets."

I hope you can notice the difference here. The edited sentence comes out smoother and is much easier to navigate. It even opens up room for extra descriptions, like if you wanted to say "avoiding the oncoming rush of students" or "gazing down at their course sheets with dead eyes".

They’re greeted by Mel, as usual. The cheery, upbeat secretary, (who has been there since the stone age), seemed happy to see everyone, from student council president and vice president to druggies and goths.


The main problem here is that you're trying to tell us about Mel instead of showing us. There's too much information here for one sentence. If she's as important a character as you're making her out to be, spend a little more time on her introduction. This feels rushed and cluttered.

Also, you should stick to either hyphens or parenthesis in creative writing.

And somehow her over-the-top outfits - ranging from sequin dresses to brightly colored sweaters and neon leggings - managed to put a smile on most faces, even those there for detention slips.


I went ahead and edited the quote above already. I moved your hyphens and cut some description.

I just wanted to give you some material to reference when you start editing.



Now, I love your writing style. I can tell you are very descriptive and that you can see this world clearly in your mind. But I think this chapter is twice as long as it needs to be.

My suggestion is to go through and cut any extra scenes that don't provide key information to your reader.

We're at the beginning of your novel. There needs to be something in these first thousand words that make us want to stick around for the rest of it.

You had a great opening. I love the way you started this out with the yell and then the description of the red and white sea. The boy with the green hair had me intrigued and then you snatched him away from me, only to go on for hundreds of words about an announcement.

I can see that there's a lot of information you want to get out of the way before diving into the actual meat of the story, but don't rush it. You've been cramming it all in, but try taking your time.

--

Almost done ^^

The last thing I want to say is that I love your characters. You have such a diverse cast already. I'm really excited to see where this goes.

I know it may not sound like it, but I really did enjoy this chapter xD Let me know when you post chapter two.


Keep Writing!

Sassy




crobbins says...


Thank you so much for the review! I definitely have a problem with over- hyphen-ing and comma-ing, haha. I'm glad you did like some of it!!! Thanks for the advice with not putting a ton of verbs into one sentence, I'll keep it in mind!!!!

Thanks a bunch!!! :D
-crobbins

<3



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Mon Jul 10, 2017 3:58 am
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crobbins says...



Hey guys (and gals)!

Any feedback on this would be greatly appreciated! This is my first piece I've written after nearly a year of writer's block. Whew! Feels great to be writing again!!!

Thank you!
-crobbins





Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson