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doppler effect

by cleverclogs


the doppler effect:
a strict law--
as you move farther away from me
your voice should fade to a whisper,
and then into an echo on the wind,
only heard again when i indulge
in our box of chocolate memories. 

now, you are a rulebreaker.
your voice constantly knells in my mind,
reverberating like a headache
with words i know were never true.
my temples throb underneath the eye mask
and my hourly medicine
can't put the natural law back into place.

while these sound waves align with
those of your voice,
i refuse to believe it is you,
so i take a bite from our memories
the wind brings back a faint echo of you
and your true voice drowns out the knelling.
i swallow the last sweet bit of memory,
and you drift away again
as you should. 


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120 Reviews


Points: 4842
Reviews: 120

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Sun Aug 28, 2016 4:02 pm
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RippleGylf wrote a review...



Hello! Ripple here on this exciting Review Day.

I really love this poem. The physics nerd in me squees at scientific terms being used in poetry, and this is no exception. :D The Doppler effect really fits with the overall message of the piece.

the doppler effect:
a strict law--
as you move farther away from me
your voice should fade to a whisper,
and then into an echo on the wind,
only heard again when i indulge
in our box of chocolate memories.

The one thing that doesn't feel quite right is the mixing of metaphors. The "box of chocolates" seems out of the blue. You do connect back to it later, but it initially just seems out of place.
now, you are a rulebreaker.
your voice constantly knells in my mind,
reverberating like a headache
with words i know were never true.
my temples throb underneath the eye mask
and my hourly medicine
can't put the natural law back into place.

The pills also seem out of place, and, unlike the chocolate, doesn't connect to anything else.
while these sound waves align with
those of your voice,
i refuse to believe it is you,
so i take a bite from our memories
the wind brings back a faint echo of you
and your true voice drowns out the knelling.
i swallow the last sweet bit of memory,
and you drift away again
as you should.

Here, the chocolate metaphor finally makes sense. I guess it was only my first read-through that made it stick out before, but in this last stanza, I think it works well.

Overall, I absolutely loved reading this. The imagery, although initially disjunctive, works well. Keep writing!




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60 Reviews


Points: 287
Reviews: 60

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Sun Aug 28, 2016 7:19 am
Spartan118 wrote a review...



Hi this is Spartan 118 here with a super awesome amazing super awesome cool fun time review and I hope you enjoy and love this review.
First off the title of this poem goes along so well with this poem and it does catch the eye. Second this poem really has my mind going to the past and all the good memories I have with my friends and family. Third I love how the words just flow smoothly off my tongue when I read this poem. Fourth I didn't see any grammar or punctuation errors nor death d I look for them or care if there are any because I am not a grammar or punctuation Nazi like some people. Fifth this poem is really good for the reader to have read and I'm surprised that there are not more comments or reviews on your work I hope your work gets more and more over time. Keep up the good work and have fun writing your poems and stories in the future.
I hope you have a wonderful day, evening, night, or morning depending on where you live.
This is Spartan 118 signing out I hope you loved this super awesome amazing super awesome cool fun time review.





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