one of my first memories of her is cribbage: grandma's house, dry laugh, empty coffee, full heart. she always had this kind of laugh- dry but whole. it rang out through the house. it is one of the things that replays in my mind.
now, i am not one to cling onto random things. she was my mentor, teaching me five crowns and apples to apples, garbage and poker. she always loved playing games.
i wonder if she knew about how she had to go. the laugh as proof of what will dissapear eventually, haunting only the faint of heart and the weak in mind.
she always came to game nights and other sorts of familial bonding. she loved family, the idea of being together, laughing together, being in the presence of one another was enough for her.
it was only a matter of time she had the clock strike. puffs of smoke are not always as temporary as they seem to be. her last photo was in bed, smiling, hair braided with pink ribbon.
i try not to stay sentimental about these things, but pink has always been her favorite color.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
playing cards as in playing cards not cards meant for playing
Hey there, Century <33 First of all, I can tell that this is a very personal and powerful narrative/story/prose poem. Also, I related to this very heavily. I have memories of sitting with grandmothers in an old living room, learning to play these card, games, and things like cribbage and other stuff. they are such tender memories that live in my heart eternally. Let's jump right into this review, shall we?
In terms of my impression of the narrative: One thing I loved about this piece, was how well you said a scene. Perhaps it's just because I have experienced some situations, but something about it felt safe and familiar. I like the short stanzas, which are filled with power. It feels like a very honest and personal reflection.
I like how you list these different things about her. Perhaps a grandmother, or another close relative. I like how you don't focus on only listing the positive, but you focus on other specifics. Feels very observant. As if we are watching this in a movie, as opposed to reading a written narrative. If that makes sense. I like how you compare the dryness of the slough to something that was whole. We often associate a dry laugh with someone that doesn't care. But I like what you did here, explaining how it filled the house. Perhaps it's that lack of emptiness that's what made it whole.
I adore the ending. It was my favorite part of this piece. I love how you talk about her hair, being braided with a pink ribbon, and then tying it back to this in the last 10 as well. I love that image of someone taking their final breath, perhaps covered with something that they loved, in this case of the pink ribbons. I feel like that holds a lot of symbolism. Perhaps the joy and accomplishments someone had throughout their lives, which shape they are, which of the carried until their very last moment on earth. Overall, I found this piece to be very lovely. I love how it's this observation and reflection of what has happened, without going into too much depth and emotion, yet it impacted me so much. Fantastic work, friend, I sure love this!
Can't wait to read what you post next, I sure love this formatting!
Your friend,
Ellie
Hi century!
Oh, I love the tone here! It’s thoughtful but not overly kitschy/sentimental, which is tough to balance when writing about memories like this!
The pacing feels right for a story that’s meant to be short and contemplative. It feels like you’re jumping from one recollection to the next, which works because it mirrors how memories themselves can be fragmented! However, smoothing out the transitions might help us stay grounded as you shift from the laughter to the games, then to the more somber reflections on her passing away. It happens so quickly!
For example, the second paragraph starts strong with "now, i am not one to cling onto random things," but that feels like a shift in tone that isn't fully integrated with the warmth of the first paragraph. It's sudden! Maybe you could tie it back to her laugh or the games, almost like you’re building a mental scrapbook. It's hard to be concise without being too vague, but I think this is teetering somewhere on the edge. Vague isn't always bad though! It's just something to keep in mind.
The imagery of her laugh being proof of something that will eventually disappear is haunting! That whole section feels so heavy though. If the point is to show that her laugh sticks with the narrator, maybe instead of focusing on it haunting the weak, you could highlight how the sound lingers. It could be something more subtle, like how it plays on repeat during quiet moments. It feels like you're trying to juggle too many sentiments here! For something so short, I think it's best to just pick one.
The ending really works though! It has to be the strongest part. The callback to pink being her favorite color ties everything together beautifully! The last line is heartbreaking in the best way because it circles back to her without being overly sentimental, which I think is what you're aiming for. It's very reflective!
Overall, this is lovely! I love how intimate and personal it feels, while still maintaining a strong sense of self! It can stand on its own. Well done! =D
— Solstice