i am the son of a father, who is the son of a father, climbing up the branches until the only thing remaining of the fathers are their slight furrowed brow and the rumble of their voice.
my fathers (duality of man, duality of self) are both artistic, though my father (birthing) is performative and my father (familial) is technical. i think i'd rather grow up to become my father (birthing) because my father (familial) is cynical and has brought that weight upon me.
he (birthing) was dancing, yet left, leaving mother to let me drift out of her orbit. i wonder if they got back together. i am so used to being a cynic that i resent them. i resent leaving things, sentimental as always. that is the maternal side of me. the paternal side is heckling the missing + glaring to the sun to revoke its name. he never had sent her a message, not even a letter scrawled in all red saying i miss you.
he (familial) intermingled himself with paints, charcoals, and watercolors. i have seen his work and it feels like wading through rice-paper oceans and washi tape glass pools. it is dipping myself into the wrong culture, but the right family and i am conflicted. historically, korea and japan were never meant to be together. but growing, as most natural processes are, is healthy. so i branch away from pasts into futures, still wistful for my father (birthing).
i am unsure whether or not i inherit anything at all from my homeland. my name, sure, "he who shall grow to be as virtuous as the sun". still, the sun revolving around the earth is long disproven so i am not so sure that i can be inheriting anything at all. my father (familial) is cynical and often stubborn and i too, the son of a father, am cynical and stubborn.
i wonder if all sons of fathers are, as kin, akin to them, in some abstract, tangential way. i see mothers in sons and daughters but less so do i see the father in the son. or at least, it is ignored. do animals also act like fathers? timid cats making timid kittens. is the paternal instinct strong even within the non-human?
am i human? as the son of a father, am i the father to a son? will my actions now transpose into a cynical mess, stubborn and unwilling to change? will he too be short-fused and distracted? paternal makers were once emotion-inherited, so maybe my son can become some sort of melancholic artist, and wade through my fathers' absences to make a partial whole.
he will be the son of a father, who is a son of two fathers, who is forever a cynic but never absent. he can, for himself, climb up the branches, and there he will see the note i had scrawled out for him, paternally maternal, and i will be there, furrowing my brow at him.
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ok, so
this is an interesting story / poem / something. buuut it feels like yr trying to do too much at once. big ideas. the duality of the fathers is cool, and there’s some weight to it, but you don’t dig deep enough into either. like, you tell us one is performative and one is technical, but what does that actually mean...? it’s abstract, and i’m left wanting. wanting more, wanting less? wanting to see past yr actually lovely imagery because i know there's more depth to what's goin on.
i get that yr cynical, but even cynicism has a bite to it. i’m not really feeling it here.
the ending is where it starts to come together. the image of the note for yr son is strong. like,, rlly strong. it’s got that mix of hope and melancholy that makes the whole thing feel personal -- and that’s what’s missing in a lot of the rest of this: you. i want to feel more of yr voice, yr experience, yr cynicism. i want to know yr father as if he's my father. think of it like developing the narrative.
don’t be afraid to get a little messy with yr emotions. that's what i take from this. you don't need fancy imagery, just a soul. just yr soul. it's solid.
happy writing ! :)
- g
Hello chrysanthemum! Atticus here for a quick review. I'm not sure if we've formally met. I've definitely seen you around the site. If we haven't, we can call this our formal introduction; I'll try to make it a good one!
I don't quite get what "paternal makers were once emotion-inherited" means. I've mulled it over a few times and it doesn't totally click.As an overall note, this short story felt more like a poem than prose - not a critique, just an initial observation before I jump into more detailed thoughts. For some reason it reminds me of that Sylvia Plath quote? I'll spoiler it because it's super long, but it's one of my favorite quotes and maybe it'll resonate with you?
On a separate note, you used a derivative of "cynic" six times throughout this poem. At some point it started to feel a bit repetitive. I understand circling back to it to bring it to a poetic completion; however, it's good to still be aware of overusing particular words, especially if there's a viable substitute.
I think the final note I'd want to leave you with is that it seems like some of your ideas became redundant at a point. The way you circled back to the beginning to tie everything together with the same metaphor was beautiful. However, at other points in the story, it felt like paragraphs echoed others in ways that felt redundant rather than conclusive, if that makes sense? Maybe some sentences or ideas could be rearranged to create a more clear structured flow. This wasn't a major hindrance for me reading the story, but while I was reflecting on some more subtle aspects it came to mind.
Overall, this was a really enjoyable story that dealt with some immensely personal issues. The many questions the narrator asked, the circularity of everything, the interconnectedness of different themes, all of it was done masterfully and in a powerful way. I loved the way you discussed the faults of each father and mother in your life in a way that was clear and still poetic. This was a really moving story that I sincerely liked, and I hope some of my thoughts were helpful! If there's anything I can clarify feel free to reach out.
Best,
Atticus
hi atticus! thanks for the review! i agreee this is quite repetitive, but so be it! i tend to veer that way when writing personal essays. i
there's no personal essay category though so..... hmmm.. anyway.
ah yes, "paternal makers were once emotion-inherited"
tl;dr, fathers, as sons, inherit emotions. not very clear, i agree.
the sun part- i am the sun, but i am not focused on the earth/ i am not focused on my heritage/ i do not inherit anything then.
anyway. if you have questions too PLEASE ask!! this was very insightful to see!
:3