Hallo!
First, I like to say welcome to YWS. c:
You have a nice story here that seems to be based off of how an event changed your life. As the reviewer said below me, I feel like you could've added more. Describe how everyone was affected by one little incident. Also, in the beginning, you seem to backtrack to how you came into this situation. I feel you should've started out with the backstory (the past) then slowly drift in the accident (the present). That way when the reader is reading through they can understand the actions that lead up to it. You also seem to have unnecessary info- even though it is nice to know the sun was beating down on you, I don't think it's of an importance to the story (despite it describing the setting).
The action (accident part) seems a bit rushed. It doesn't built up the suspense that can make the reader go "what's going to happen next?" In any case, read over what you've written. Think about how you might describe the scene to somebody who wasn't there. Also, I feel that this "story" would be used for a blog post or something.
Towards the end, there is just a giant space. In my opinion, I think you should remove it. What purpose does it have; none. The middle part of this story seems to be expanding like a puddle- it doesn't seem to have an end until you actually start to break it apart. In other words, try singling the middle to a few paragraphs to make more of a sense to the reader (when or if they read this).
The sun was beating down on us. We had the thought of turning back, but we were already too far. We tried to get our minds off the sun, but it was burning outside. I felt like my skin was going to catch on fire. We trudged on trying not to think about the heat.
This little bit seems to be repetitive. Stick to one central idea and just continue on. Another thing is describe more of your surroundings than just the temperature. What did the city look like? Was it crowded?
Overall, I enjoyed this piece. I remember once I was crossing the street to go to school, and almost got ran over. Quite something for a five year old.
Steggy
Points: 25891
Reviews: 279
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