Isn't it strange that I can be near you,
Next to you, talking to you,
And yet you never see me.
You never seem to notice me,
Never hear me laugh,
You seem to see right through me.
As if I'm made of glass.
You used to notice me,
You used to see only me, as if no one else was in the room.
But now I'm invisible.
Now I'm nothing
Now everywhere I go, I hear you,
Everywhere I look, I see you.
Even when you're gone I watch you.
But even when I'm right in front of you - you never see me
I wonder, if I went away and left,
Would you see me then?
Would you miss me?
Would you even notice?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,852 Reviews
It was good. Yeah I liked it. But I think a couple of lines could be fixed, its no big deal. Well done.
thanx for the advice. il keep it in mind when writing the next one.
It was good, it had a good feel and a good flow. Though some lines were too long, and others too short.
If I had one thing to say about the poem, I would say, Dig deeper. Go into the feelings more, beyond the words, and beyond just telling us. Go in deeper. Bring out the real feelings, and while doing that, bring the reader into the feelings. Put them in your situation, in your shoes. make them feel the emotions.
Try to keep the same idea throughout the poem without repeating yourself. We already know this person doesn't notice/care for you. It's turned into a message to this person, rather than a poem about the feelings he/she has installed in you because what they have done. Try to bring that out, more. But keep the idea that he/she doesn't notice you throughout. It'll turn out good
This was very good, but it seemed to stretch on too long with the same idea, which, by the way, is a good idea. It needs something to capture the reader's interest for longer than the first two stanzas. Maybe a few hints about the "you" and his or her personality, the wonderful times they spent together, something other than the "isn't it strange" scenario. Keep writing!
You have quite a lot of "i"'s that should be "I"'s. Also, I think a few more full stops were needed.
The rhyme was quite nice, and didn't seem contrived at all. The rhythm flowed very nicely until the last stanza, which i didn't really like. The rest was very good. The message was good, I feel what you're trying to say. I really enjoyed it.