This is a VERY short short story,
so short I'm thinking mabye this should be a poem.
let's just leave it here.
***
I am looking for a girl
that used to be so positive and nice
that used to have a smile on her face every time I saw her
but then something happened
she stopped smiling
she changed
now I don't really know who I'm looking for
***
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,775 Reviews
Hello hello. You probably won't see this.
So first of all, not really a story? It technically would be better suited as a poem if you were to want to classify it as something, especially with the formatting and enjambment choices I've seen. There isn't really a big difference between the two of them if you want to get into it, but mostly it's seen as stories are more story-telling narratives and have room to grow plot-wise. Now, a poem can do that too, but the language choices are oftentimes different because it's meant to seem more lyrical or close together in theme.
Okay, with that beside us, let's get into my comments.
This introduces the setting and the main theme. The first line is always going to be the most important because it is truly what people see when they read what you have written. There are def some situations where you have room to make it "boring" or something along those lines, but usually, it should stick out to people. A girl can be a really entertaining character because there's space to mess around with her and stuff.
This girl doesn't really have anything to her though - she was happy most times when the narrator has seen her, but then suddenly, she changed. There's a lot of storyline in that idea when you think about it, but I don't really think I see it there. I can imagine a lot of things that could've happened to change her, but this narrative is mostly focused on the narrator and what they see through their perspective on this.
Same thing as above can be said here. It doesn't really have much of a foundation to it besides the fact that she stopped smiling. Anyone can stop smiling for any reason, whether it be for a short period of time to a long long. It's a cool idea and I think it would be fun to play around with to switch up on what's generally used in these kinds of poetry, but I do think that some things can be switched up or added onto.
That's all. Happy RevMo!
-- chi
That was one of the shortest story's I have read. But it was really good and powerful
Although this is short, it is really powerful and enables you to really think about it. It isn't full of unnecessary information and really gets straight to the point, which I like. I do think that it should be classified as a poem, although I'm glad it wasn't because then I wouldn't have come across it
I would've liked it to have been a little bit longer just because I enjoyed it so much but I can see why you've made it this length. I like the simplicity of the language used as it makes it more raw and thoughtful rather than masking the feelings with complicated words. A great short storm/poem! well done and keep writing!
thank you! that was the idea for this. to be very simple and not give to much away.
I've been taking some notes from the other reviews I got and I have some ideas to make this better. I am going to make it longer and maybe give it a name.
thanks for reviewing!
This is kind of weird, I kinda liked it, but not fully. This is to short for me, it has no idea to it, it doesn't really tell a story at all! I don't like to be negative when I review, because all work is good, it is just kinda short.
Another issue is that there is no punctuation, it is just run-on. I know you said it should be poetry, but I think it needs some more thought to it first.
Okay, I know you might feel kinda bad now, but don't because some work just needs more work than others, this happens to be one. I like the idea that it is a missing girl, but add some details! Please!!!
Write more and be a better writer with this, don't be discouraged, just use this and remember it!!
yeah it is this short because it was for a competition and there could only be like 33 words or something like that. I also translated it from my mother language and posted it in a rush. I'm not making excuses and i have already taken notes from other reviews and I'm playing with a few ideas for this.
I'm not hurt, you're just stating the obvious and I agree with you, this needs work.
thanks for the review
No problem for the review! Please try to post more though!!
Honestly this is a poem, straight out.
It's short and simple and to the point. It has a few issues I would like to address, first, the lack of grammar anywhere, sometimes a writer can make that work, but in this case it just confuses the reader.
Second, while reading it its hard to find a particular rhythm.
While this is a poem that is very short, I can see you meant it to tell a story. The story is easy to find and saddening so you have done well on envoking feeling. I commend you on that.
thanks for commenting and for your advice
This is literally nothing but a poem. It is sort of a short story but it's more of a poem thing.
I really liked it. There is only one problem.
This was weird. But still comprehendible. It's not that it's bad or good, it's quite okay. But it's the creativity I'm focusing on. Your creativity for words.
could be better if:
There. My point of view in the spoiler. Open it up to view your score form my point of view.
Spoiler
Oops! A spoiler should spoil things.
Spoiler
Just kidding! Here:
Spoiler
~~Tay01
Thank you.
thanks for reviewing
you're welcome