Of loneliness, I know much. For who would be so kind to invite my presence? Not many, as I frequent the shadiest of establishments for far too many a nights.
Most unwelcome of storms seem to appear on my most precious days, dragging me into desolation. Why, I ask the heavens, must the world be so melancholy?
My lone companion pedals near, resting atop his rusted bicycle. A new word for me, but I have grown fond of it. The creaking of the chains only amplifies my profound sadness.
"Hey, what's wrong?" he calls, his voice echoing across the water as he comes closer.
"Alas, I am nothing! I have been proven unworthy of such a precious life. You may as well end me now!"
"You failed the physics exam, didn't you," he sighs, exasperation heavy in his voice. "You know, you could have just studied more. I promise the computer won't hurt you."
"That devilish thing? Even going within a block is a danger, I will not invite that sorcery within me."
"I know this whole technology thing is hard, but I promise you'll get used to it. And there is no devil in the computer, no matter how much you call it witchcraft."
"Naught but an exorcism would bring me close to it."
"You know what, if that's what it takes, sure, I'll perform an exorcism on your computer."
"You must not be jesting with me. You would expose yourself to such evil for myself?"
"Yes, I know, I'm so brave. Now let's get you home. Come on, sit on the handlebars." He repositions himself upon his bicycle, and rests a hand upon the handlebars. "And I really have to teach you modern speaking. All this old timey stuff is getting annoying."
As there is no foreseeable way to return to my era, I must learn to embrace these odd traditions. I may not understand his motives, but he has managed to shine some light upon my calamatious grief, and I am thankful that I now may envision a day where I succeed in this new world.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hi hello, found your story in this Green Room and decided to drop a review
I really like the first paragraph already sets the tone!
I'm wondering if it's intentional that you use melancholy instead of melancholic in the next one though, maybe you should look at it again.
Ohhhh I love how dramatic the narrator is. And then the friend is like coming in with a reality check lol
Love the snippet! I just have one suggestion. I feel like when the friend says you could have just studied more... It feels a little hand holdy. I feel like he should have said something wittier or more fitting. Especially since he knows the narrator is from a different time.
I actually love this. The narrator is great and the contrast between their narration and the world they're living in is really entertaining. I especially love their melodramatic tone (it reminds me of Frankenstein).
I’m very interested to see where you (and this story, fingers crossed) go in future.
The plot is intriguing (Who is this? Why are they here? Where are they from? Why are they doing physics?) and I really want to know more.
Also, welcome to YWS
so introspective!!
your narrator is an absolute gem, and their voice is distinct and strangely endearing while clearly self-conscious of the seemingly new world around them. i am very curious as to who they are, since there are so many references of this "new" world that they've been thrown into. is this time travel? please tell me it's time travel!! that would make a lot of sense with their archaic diction choices and woe is me attitude towards modern pleasantries like bikes and physics exams.
it has me wondering how the narrator became situated with this modern friend, though, because of their contradicting behaviors. does the friend know about the whole time displacement thing? it’d be interesting to learn whether the friend fully understands that or just assumes it’s a quirk. this is same with other things like the physics test, which could be explained through a shared class.
also, i do have some other comments :
the idiom would be a singular "night" instead, even as it implies plural. the obsolete diction the narrator uses is actually more inclined for these little grammar issues because wow, back in the day, they sure loved making things complicated!!
this friend is more patient than i could ever be T-T
this is surprisingly more thought-provoking than i was anticipating!! beneath all of the humor, this is actually a really beautiful, sincere reflection on feeling out of place in a modern world. it just comes and goes though. you could that theme by letting the narrator reflect on what they miss about their “era” or what they find beautiful [or terrifying] about the present. did they have a family? did they just get snatched up and suddenly exist in a world with tiktok?
i would love to see this fleshed out into a full story!!
-- mour
good story