Published May 31, 2011
Hello ppl;
This was a random *two person* contest to write the best Would you say 'yes'? poem from a boy to a girl.
It was difficult writing as a guy, but fun wining! It was not officially a competition, just mucking around in Media Studies (but if it was I still think I'd come 1rst... or second, or either). Haven't edited it yet, still kinda new born but I can't wait so... hope you like it!
*Btw, good luck to those with mid-term exams, bugger off to those who finished theirs... TT_TT
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
...
Before you read this poem, beautiful,
I’d like you to say ‘yes’.
I thank you very much if you did it,
If not, I know I’ve tried my best.
I’ll start by saying, I don’t know if this poem’s
for you or if it’s for me,
but to look upon that perfection of a face you have
I’d find no words to speak.
It’s tough, now days, to show or even let you know
why the sight of you terrifies me,
But writing this down, I think I know now
Just why I cannot leave you be.
How many times have I dreamed?
Running my fingers through your hair?
Falling like melting chocolate,
Across your temple bare.
Your eyes, a fearsome golden brown
Dart quickly to and fro.
If you’re eyes could shoot arrows,
I would have died long ago.
If skin could smell of sunlight,
my logic would make more sense.
If hearts could be seen easily,
my mates wouldn’t think me dense.
A voice to rival angel speak,
with lips rose red and lush.
What I’d give to hear a voice like that,
What I’d do to make you blush.
You’re movement full of dancer’s grace
Each stride so certain and pure
It made me aware of each curve on your body
Provoking thoughts ‘not so mature’
A laugh to hush a bickering room,
to stop a hearts quick beat.
The sound like honey overflowing,
no man against futile defeat.
If you could now please, indulge imagining me
Standing here a stoic fine, just saying
“I will love you in every moment’s breath."
“Sweetheart... will you be mine?”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
130,210 Literary Works • 671,512 Reviews
This is super cute! I love it!
So very cute poem. It was quite refreshing for love-themed poetry, as most love poetry is about betrayal, or 'falling' against their will, blah blah blah. There were a few areas that confused me a little, and in stanza 2, and the last one, you failed to stick to your rhyme scheme. As far as the rhyming goes, it seemed pretty natural though, so good job on that. I didn't like the first two stanzas nearly as much as the rest. They didn't exactly put me off the poem, but...anyway, it's better for it to start out OK, then turn to fantastic, instead of vice-versa! You did a great job at describing and it flowed quite well. Nice job!
Before you read this poem, beautiful, This sounds kind of cheesy with the 'beautiful' on the end
I’d like you to say ‘yes’.
I thank you very much if you did it, I'd,
If not, I know I’ve tried my best. I think this line just for the rhyme and less for the plotline
I’ll start by saying, I don’t know if this poem’s bring ''if this poem's" to the line below to even them out
for you or if it’s for me,
but to look upon that perfection of a face you have this line is too long for the poem's rhythem
I’d find no words to speak. What?
It’s tough, now days, to show or even let you know
why the sight of you terrifies me, awwww
But writing this down, I think I know now
Just why I cannot leave you be. AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
How many times have I dreamed? delete the question mark
Running my fingers through your hair?
Falling like melting chocolate,
Across your temple bare.
Your eyes, a fearsome golden brown
Dart quickly to and fro.
If you’re eyes could shoot arrows,
I would have died long ago. Okay, now you're in the groove, this is good
If skin could smell of sunlight,
my logic would make more sense.
If hearts could be seen easily,
my mates wouldn’t think me dense.
A voice to rival angel speak, this line is a bit confusing
with lips rose red and lush.
What I’d give to hear a voice like that,
What I’d do to make you blush. no need for this to be italicized, it already make an impact by itself
You’re movement full of dancer’s grace, comma
Each stride so certain and pure, comma
It made me aware of each curve on your body
Provoking thoughts
‘not so mature’that weren't mature, or weren't so matureA laugh to hush a bickering room,
to stop a hearts quick beat. comma instead
The sound like honey overflowing,
no futile man against
futiledefeat. here you're saying that defeat is futile, meaning "defeat is useless" change futile to before 'man'.If you could now please, indulge imagining me
Standing here a stoic fine, just saying
“I will love you in every moment’s breath
."comma!“Sweetheart... will you be mine?” AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Too cute. Keep writing I hope you win! :]
-KatTrain
Aw! A proposal? How sweet! I enjoyed this one. Just one nitpick, though: