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let's pretend we don't care the water's cold

by alliyah



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509 Reviews


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Fri Sep 13, 2019 12:27 pm
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Jaybird wrote a review...



Hello again!

I was actually going to review another poem of yours, but I saw the beginning of this one and fell in love with the metaphor.

Like the reviewers before me, one phrase in particular stuck out at me:

and sometimes
adjectives are only useful in poetry


You keep hitting all of my favorite aspects of poetry in your poems - I really love when there's references to language (like adjectives) paired with some kind of reflection. It's a great line on its own, but it works really well with the rest of the poem's meaning.

I don't usually mention this in my reviews, but I think the title of your poem perfectly fits the imagery and metaphor that you use. The title is never specifically said throughout the course of the poem, but the poem conveys the general feeling that sometimes it's not worth the wait to enjoy something in life: you just have to hop into that cold, freezing water and keep going.

I swear I'm trying to come up with constructive criticism when reviewing your poems, but they just keep being too good! The only thing I can come up with for this one is the background. The letter's are a little hard to read, and the picture of the water is blurry. The white does look good against the background, but it just needs a little more - maybe you could try adding a shadow/border to the letters in the future poems like this. I have an app I use to make effects like that on any of the edits I create, so I can walk you through what to do if you ever want to try that.

Other than that, great job on this poem! I can't wait to read more of your works in the future.


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Thu Jul 11, 2019 9:42 am
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Liminality wrote a review...



Hi, alliyah! Just thought I'd leave a quick review.

Themes

This is a short and sweet piece. To me, at least, it seems to revolve around uncertainty in life, and how we have to wing it most of the time.

Structure

1.) I think the second enjambment, ". . . or/ foolish . . . " seems a bit unnecessary. Putting "or foolish" in the second line still conveys that suspense after "brave" if you ask me.

2.) Once again, I love how you use dashes in your poems. This one stood out to me in particular because it's the ONLY dash in the whole piece, making it more impactful and noticeable.

3.) I think you could afford to play with punctuation just a bit more. The many commas serve their purpose, but while reading I thought it would be nice if the rhythm was a bit more varied in that sense, for example, using a colon somewhere to create abruptness, i.e.

and the water's only cold if you stop swimming:
so we live and forget who each other is

Or using semi-colons to separate the 'maybe' lines.

Language
1.) I liked the use of repetition in this one. Writing "maybe" over and over again conveys that sense of uncertainty that permeates the piece.

2.) I also liked how each metaphor fits into the main idea of the "lake". "Labels" and "caution" are often posted around deep water, but are eventually swept away.

3.) However, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by ". . . forget who each other is." It seemed to me at least that the things that don't "adhere properly" are labels and categories, whereas "is" implies the actual identity of the person, so it was a bit confusing in an otherwise unified message.

Overall

I feel you've managed to say a lot in such a short piece - congrats! It was a delight to read. On a side note, I do like how you include pictures as the backdrop for your poetry; it makes the piece stand out.




alliyah says...


Ah I forgot to reply to say thank you for this review! I found your suggestions helpful - and will be taking a second look at them when I get to revisions! :)



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Fri Jul 05, 2019 12:03 am
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



The background of your poem is, fortunately, not either too clear or too dark for the letters to be of different color. Another thing I noticed, is your name at the bottom. I swear this might be the first time i see that here. Next, i think the extended metaphor of a lake too cold to swim in, is an interesting style.
Rhyming scheme. It looks irregular, but the rhythm stabilizes it all along. There still are some stuff quite unclear in your poem
*adjectives are only useful in poetry* is one I have noticed in the reviews below, although I see nothing wrong with it. Sure, it’s a little out of place and unexpected, but I found that line to be actually kind of an escape to the rigid one-point type of poem. Maybe some personification..? Some more metaphors else than the water is cold, and one or two similes..? But really, i think this poem if right the way it is. Now, the reason *adjectives are only useful in poetry*’s line sticks to me, is because you never truly develop that. I mean, sure, you use that next line, but you could really develop more than just *because life happens too quickly for labels or caution/ to adhere properly and people don’t fit quite right into* because, as you can see, that last line already brings up a new point. Otherwise, the flow is proper and the style has a certain unique charm to it




alliyah says...


I think the adjectives line is the most interesting line of the piece, I develop it through the content of the poem. Imagine if the words "cold" & "loved" (other adjectives I used) had no meaning - if life was more about existing than knowing or labeling. That's the point. :) The whole water experience is a metaphor for knowing ourselves & others. The poem is saying just like swimming is bigger than the water being cold/warm, love & relationships might be more than just knowledge of another person - they're more experiential than rhetorical. This poem is free verse, so there was no intended rhyme scheme. Thanks for your comments, hope my explanation helped your understanding.



silvermoon17 says...


It did, but I guessed all that. I simply meant that all you said; you should%u2019ve put that in your poem.



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Wed Jul 03, 2019 8:26 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there alliyah! Nite here to dig into your excellent poetry.

First line-I think "still too cold for swimming" would be better.
Love the second and third lines!

Okay, so I'm not sure about the "sometimes adjectives are only useful in poetry" line. It feels more tangential to the rest of the poem, which seems to be about rushing into life like a too-cold lake. I think "and sometimes life happens too quickly..." feels tighter. Also, you mention adjectives in poetry and then proceed to throw a million adverbs at us, so it feels somewhat inaccurate haha.

"for labels or caution to adhere properly"-love this!

"and people don't fit quite right into these places we want them to"-at first, I didn't like the wording of this, but as I reread, I like how it feels so awkward and ill-fitting which is exactly what you're describing. For some reason, I like "the places" instead of "these places", but I don't really know why.

"so we live and forget who each other is"-this is weird to read. Maybe it would be smoother as "so we live and forget each other"

"while we tread water and pretend we know". This would make an excellent ending line, but I feel a little confused as to what "we know" is referring to. Is it the "each other" from the previous line? I wouldn't want to repeat that, but maybe there's a way to make it a little more clear.

Overall, this is a beautiful piece that makes me think about rushing into life and drifting away from people we thought we knew. Keep writing! :D




alliyah says...


Thanks nite! Good point on the adverbs! :D



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Wed Jul 03, 2019 1:25 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi @alliyah I am here to do a real quick review on this lovely poem of yours. So lets get into it shell we.
So first of, I really like the background to this poem. It kind of makes me feel like were taking a photo of a river. And then put the name and the image to gather it like. Were taking a photo of this lovely river and we are dipping our feet in this river, and we are just going to jump in and well pretend that we are not really going to care about the water being cold. That is the feeling that I kind of got from this poem at first. And then the first line you say this is a lake witch is kind of like its a river. So I think that you really chose the right image for the background for this poem.
As I read this poem, I really just felt the words melting in my mouth as I read it out loud to myself. The words seamed to flow like music coming from a violin. If only I could play the violin then maybe I could have played the song that I was think of when I read this lovely poem. Well maybe I can try to learn how to play the piano and then I can play the song like that.
It really was a beautiful Poem to read sitting by a real lake or even just watching the sea. I hope to here more poems like this one from you soon.

So that is all that I can say. So keep up the great work. You are really good at writing poetry and you should keep it up. Lovely Poetry alliyah this made my day. :D

I hope you have a great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews

YWS!!!!




alliyah says...


Thanks Eagle - any suggestions on the wording?

I do play the violin, though I'm not sure how I would play this poem if it was a song. Thanks for your comments. :)

Your friend,
~alliyah



Dossereana says...


Glade you liked the review, also all that I can say is to just read this out loud like a song or even a lullaby would do, but maybe read it with your violin instead of your on mouth. it mite help, other then that I don't no.
:)
Your friend
~ Dossereana X EagleFly




Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto (I am a man, I don't consider anything human foreign to me)
— Terence