Hello again! I was actually going to review another poem of yours, but I saw the beginning of this one and fell in love with the metaphor.Like the reviewers before me, one phrase in particular stuck out at me:
and sometimesadjectives are only useful in poetry
Hi, alliyah! Just thought I'd leave a quick review.ThemesThis is a short and sweet piece. To me, at least, it seems to revolve around uncertainty in life, and how we have to wing it most of the time. Structure1.) I think the second enjambment, ". . . or/ foolish . . . " seems a bit unnecessary. Putting "or foolish" in the second line still conveys that suspense after "brave" if you ask me.2.) Once again, I love how you use dashes in your poems. This one stood out to me in particular because it's the ONLY dash in the whole piece, making it more impactful and noticeable.3.) I think you could afford to play with punctuation just a bit more. The many commas serve their purpose, but while reading I thought it would be nice if the rhythm was a bit more varied in that sense, for example, using a colon somewhere to create abruptness, i.e.and the water's only cold if you stop swimming:so we live and forget who each other isOr using semi-colons to separate the 'maybe' lines.Language1.) I liked the use of repetition in this one. Writing "maybe" over and over again conveys that sense of uncertainty that permeates the piece. 2.) I also liked how each metaphor fits into the main idea of the "lake". "Labels" and "caution" are often posted around deep water, but are eventually swept away.3.) However, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by ". . . forget who each other is." It seemed to me at least that the things that don't "adhere properly" are labels and categories, whereas "is" implies the actual identity of the person, so it was a bit confusing in an otherwise unified message.OverallI feel you've managed to say a lot in such a short piece - congrats! It was a delight to read. On a side note, I do like how you include pictures as the backdrop for your poetry; it makes the piece stand out.
The background of your poem is, fortunately, not either too clear or too dark for the letters to be of different color. Another thing I noticed, is your name at the bottom. I swear this might be the first time i see that here. Next, i think the extended metaphor of a lake too cold to swim in, is an interesting style.Rhyming scheme. It looks irregular, but the rhythm stabilizes it all along. There still are some stuff quite unclear in your poem*adjectives are only useful in poetry* is one I have noticed in the reviews below, although I see nothing wrong with it. Sure, it’s a little out of place and unexpected, but I found that line to be actually kind of an escape to the rigid one-point type of poem. Maybe some personification..? Some more metaphors else than the water is cold, and one or two similes..? But really, i think this poem if right the way it is. Now, the reason *adjectives are only useful in poetry*’s line sticks to me, is because you never truly develop that. I mean, sure, you use that next line, but you could really develop more than just *because life happens too quickly for labels or caution/ to adhere properly and people don’t fit quite right into* because, as you can see, that last line already brings up a new point. Otherwise, the flow is proper and the style has a certain unique charm to it
Hi there alliyah! Nite here to dig into your excellent poetry. First line-I think "still too cold for swimming" would be better. Love the second and third lines!Okay, so I'm not sure about the "sometimes adjectives are only useful in poetry" line. It feels more tangential to the rest of the poem, which seems to be about rushing into life like a too-cold lake. I think "and sometimes life happens too quickly..." feels tighter. Also, you mention adjectives in poetry and then proceed to throw a million adverbs at us, so it feels somewhat inaccurate haha. "for labels or caution to adhere properly"-love this! "and people don't fit quite right into these places we want them to"-at first, I didn't like the wording of this, but as I reread, I like how it feels so awkward and ill-fitting which is exactly what you're describing. For some reason, I like "the places" instead of "these places", but I don't really know why. "so we live and forget who each other is"-this is weird to read. Maybe it would be smoother as "so we live and forget each other""while we tread water and pretend we know". This would make an excellent ending line, but I feel a little confused as to what "we know" is referring to. Is it the "each other" from the previous line? I wouldn't want to repeat that, but maybe there's a way to make it a little more clear. Overall, this is a beautiful piece that makes me think about rushing into life and drifting away from people we thought we knew. Keep writing!
Hi @alliyah I am here to do a real quick review on this lovely poem of yours. So lets get into it shell we.So first of, I really like the background to this poem. It kind of makes me feel like were taking a photo of a river. And then put the name and the image to gather it like. Were taking a photo of this lovely river and we are dipping our feet in this river, and we are just going to jump in and well pretend that we are not really going to care about the water being cold. That is the feeling that I kind of got from this poem at first. And then the first line you say this is a lake witch is kind of like its a river. So I think that you really chose the right image for the background for this poem.As I read this poem, I really just felt the words melting in my mouth as I read it out loud to myself. The words seamed to flow like music coming from a violin. If only I could play the violin then maybe I could have played the song that I was think of when I read this lovely poem. Well maybe I can try to learn how to play the piano and then I can play the song like that. It really was a beautiful Poem to read sitting by a real lake or even just watching the sea. I hope to here more poems like this one from you soon.So that is all that I can say. So keep up the great work. You are really good at writing poetry and you should keep it up. Lovely Poetry alliyah this made my day. I hope you have a great Day/Night@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of ReviewsYWS!!!!
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