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broken bridges

by alliyah


I remember when we first found
these creaky wooden planks
threaded by ancient ropes
from another time,
when people walked for adventure and
had time for out of the way bridges
off the familiar footpaths in summer
mornings just before the sun rose.

Just like the wandering youth used to
you would intertwine your fingers with
mine and we would kick our legs
sitting side by side laughing about dancing
fish, and sinking ships, and throwing
rocks over shallow waters wondering
how the creek might feel under our
fearless feet if we dared to drop down.

There’s something about bridges and
about you, that made me feel
like I had gone somewhere else
that shouldn’t really exist, 
in the fragile place within
my most deeply rooted reality
and the hopes I dare not even dream
where I can’t quite catch my breath.

But I’m breathing now and here we stand
on opposite sides of a dried up creek,
the place linking us cracked, and
where there was once gentle water now lies
empty like a challenge or maybe just a place
the world should forget again,
and this bridge between us
broken.


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18 Reviews


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Wed Sep 27, 2017 7:47 am
Taslimalima wrote a review...



it is a review
hmm....a romantic poetry indeed. nice place for memorable ;)..love it. your lovely explanation make me feel good.sounds sweet to me... ;)but I wanna be your well wisher also, may I? so...if you don't mind and give me a tiny permission , I have a request..plzz kindly arrange your emotional words close in one line not in the next line..plz don't mind ok?? but you wrote so sweet and lovely..wish you a great lovely future.




alliyah says...


Hey Taslimalima, hope you're doing well. Can I ask you to explain what you mean by "arrange you emotional words close in one line" -- just want to give a better understanding of what your critique is. Thanks!



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Thu Sep 21, 2017 1:25 am
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TheSilverFox wrote a review...



Yeah, this is the 4th review, but I looked at your review in something else I was reading, and I saw this poem, and I decided to come over.

I like this one; it's sad. The bridge and the creek are great symbols for the romance of the main couple, and their degradation effectively indicates the collapse of the said relationship. Because of the descriptions of the old-fashioned bridge, the summer morning, and the water, as well as the ending itself, this poem feels nostalgic. Symbolically, in the first stanza, they retreaded the steps of others, who had fashioned and walked across their own bridges in their youth ("summer/mornings, just before the sun rose"). Hence, there's a strong sense of continuity in their actions, particularly as they age (the rising sun) and the creek/their romance dries up, as it has with so many others. It's not entirely expected, and subtly conveyed, but it makes sense in hindsight. I mean, in the second stanza, the silliness of their conversations adds bright notes to the poem, and their formerly adventurous and daring spirits convey a sense of vigor and a strong romantic relationship. By that point, the poem is sweet, and the reader may expect to see more of this in the remaining two stanzas; but the way that you shift tones while keeping the reader's interest is effective and graceful.

In the third stanza, there are hints that the past relationship is wearing thin. I can envision the narrator's discussion on fragility to be an indicator of her concern that such a valuable person and time are going to be ruined, as they're beyond hopes and dreams and reality, and so it seems like it shouldn't exist. The audience, swayed by her words, then feels concern, their past thoughts wearing away and being replaced by sadder and more foreboding ones under your masterful hand. Fearful of an often harsh and cruel world, her thoughts have come true by the fourth stanza, which firmly changes the nature of the poem by ending the relationship and placing the previous three stanzas in a happier past time. However, as she acknowledges that it may be best a place for the world to forget, I feel like she's effectively decided that yeah, it was great, but she is ready to move on. Hence, the ending is bittersweet, and a nice conclusion to the poem. That's about all I have to say - I could talk about line breaks, but I've never fully understood them myself, and I can still read the poem without trouble. All in all, thanks for publishing this poem, and well done!




alliyah says...


Thanks Silver! I enjoyed reading your thoughtful analysis of my poem. Glad you enjoyed reading and that the ending resonated with you.



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Tue Sep 19, 2017 5:14 am
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Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Alliyah! GooseLuck here to do a review for you! So, let's take flight, shall we!

The first thing I have to say on this is that it's a really good poem and was quite daunting to review, but I'm going to take a chance and do it anyway. So, to the review!

I remember when we first found
these creaky wooden planks
threaded by ancient ropes
from another time
when people walked for adventure and
had time for out of the way bridges
off the familiar footpaths in summer
mornings just before the sun rose


The first thing on this section is that halfway through it seems like the flow is just completely disrupted, and I didn't quite enjoy that. Anyway, onward.
The next thing is that I quite enjoyed the first part of this, but the second part seems like it's just lacking something.

Just like the wandering youth used to
you would intertwine your fingers with
mine and we would kick our legs
sitting side by side laughing about dancing
fish, and sinking ships, and throwing
rocks over shallow waters wondering
how the creek might feel under our
fearless feet if we dared to drop down.


The only thing I had to say on this part is the flow which is just a bit out of place here, and I think could use some tweaking. Anyway, onward.

There’s something about bridges and
about you, that made me feel
like I had gone somewhere else
that shouldn’t really exist
in the fragile place within
my most deeply rooted reality
and the hopes I dare not even dream
where I can’t quite catch my breath.


One thing I didn't like about the poem was the punctuation, which seemed to be a bit inconsistent. This was a really good section, and I have nothing extra to say on this one.

But I’m breathing now and here we stand
on opposite sides of a dried up creek,
the place linking us cracked, and
where there was once gentle water now lies
empty like a challenge or maybe just a place
the world should forget again,
and this bridge between us
broken.


The final end here just seemed to be misplaced, and I think that it was a bit of a cliche ending for the overall well done poem.

Anyway, overall I think that this is a really good poem that just could use some tweaking, and it has a lot of potential.

I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, GooseLuck




alliyah says...


Thanks Goose!



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Mon Sep 18, 2017 8:38 pm
sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

As I understand it, this was written for a poetry contest, so I'm not sure you're really looking for reviews. BUT STILL I'm gonna review it, cause it can't stay in the Green Room forever, right?

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. It had a nice, reminiscent feeling to it, but also a depressing, negative feeling. A beautiful mix you've created here. Hopefully my review on it can actually be even slightly helpful. (You're a far better poet than me, so we shall see.)

Usually I'm not a big fan of the romance/heartbreak/break-up drama, since I find it to be redundant. Same story, different concepts. However, something stuck out to me, which made it unique. And that thing which I found to be unique would be the way you delivered the poem. Or wasn't the same old "My heart is like pencil top that's been used until broken" stuff that bores most of every reader. You used more abstract ideas and concepts, such as the bridge metaphor, to tell a less abstract story. Bridges aren't exactly a go-to in poetry, and so I find the idea very intriguing.

Just a minor formatting issue, but I find it really disturbing that the first stanza has a line of space between it and the second stanza, but the rest have two lines of space between them. This is such an unbelievably minor thing, and it makes me sound petty, but I'm gonna say it anyway.

The rhythm was really good. I can't think of many ways to elaborate on that, since I think the statement does that on its own. Good job on the rhythm, in that case. *thumbs up*

Overall, nice job! Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more from you!

~Shey~




alliyah says...


Made all of the spaces even for you. :) Thanks for the review, Shey.



sheysse says...


Thank you for the even spacing, aliyah. XD



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Mon Sep 18, 2017 8:04 pm
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zaminami wrote a review...



Hey alliyah! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

I'm not the best at poetry, but here we go:

Bold = grammatical and flow errors (though I don't usually focus on this much; it's usually when something doesn't line up right)
Strikethrough = remove something
Italics = My comments
Underline = other comments.

Spoiler! :
I remember when we first found
these creaky wooden planks
threaded by ancient ropes
from another time
when people walked for adventure and
had time for out of the way bridges
off the familiar footpaths in summer
mornings just before the sun rose. Great imagery here. The metaphors really stand out and I can tell what they mean, they're that clear. Good job.

Just like the wandering youth used to
you would intertwine your fingers with I would put mind on this line, but that's probably just me.
mine and we would kick our legs
sitting side by side laughing about dancing I would put fish on this line too, but again, that's probably just me.
fish, and sinking ships, and throwing
rocks over shallow waters wondering
how the creek might feel under our
fearless feet if we dared to drop down. This creates a vivid image for me. The metaphors are overwhelming! If you're talking about love, and how us youngsters would do anything for love, then good job (that's what I took from it anyways).

There’s something about bridges and
about you, that made me feel
like I had gone somewhere else
that shouldn’t really exist
in the fragile place within
my most deeply rooted reality
and the hopes I dare not even dream
where I can’t quite catch my breath. Looks like you loved this person, and that you always felt connected to them or something, right? Great imagery here.

But I’m breathing now and here we stand
on opposite sides of a dried up creek,
the place linking us cracked, and
where there was once gentle water now lies
empty like a challenge or maybe just a place
the world should forget again
and this bridge between us is
broken. Woah, nice. I've seen stories like this before, so this - I presume - means that you don't love each other anymore, right? And you cut connections and stuff? I'm not the best at poetry,
I'm not sure... still. Good metaphorical stuff happening there.


There was really nothing to review here, the poem was so good. Nice job. --

Give me your soul please --

Kara




alliyah says...


Hey Kara, I enjoyed reading your interpretations! And yep you pretty much got what I was trying to convey. I was experimenting with some sort of strange line breaks/word endings in stanza 2 that you picked up on, and I'm not quite sure if it ended up being effective or just disrupted the flow too much to work. Anyways, thank you for taking the time to share your comments and ideas! :)



zaminami says...


:D yo welcome



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Mon Sep 18, 2017 5:49 pm
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SnowGhost says...



Again congrats on winning 3rd place in the Poetry Contest. It truly is an awesome poem.





A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
— Oscar Wilde