Young Writers Society

Hey alliyah! Incoming review!

I'm here to review more of your portfolio. With that said let's get on with the review.

I'll start out with critiques. I saw in the first stanza you didn't end it with a period like you did for your other two stanzas. Same thing for the beginning of the second stanza, you didn't capitalize "You." You want to be consistent in poetry or else it looks like you wrote the first half, left it as a draft for a few months and then finished it like you had a deadline.

About the flow, there seems so be no flow consistency even with your lines being the same length. I'm not too well versed in syllable counts but there might be something with the syllables that is throwing a whole rhythm and flow out the window.

I don’t know why my stars
were always too far for you
to strain your eyes to see or why

I know you don’t understand
but I still think mornings are delicate
like the last breaths of a song before
a misplaced sound breaks through

and collided 'til one was meant to heed
but I still drink my coffee silently
even more so without you.

Hi alliyah!

Liberty500 is here to do a review.

So, your poem is really good! I love how you used your words; you used your words wisely. I love that. There's just two things that were bugging me (one of the two things is a very tiny little thing, but still, I have to point it out!). Thing 1: In the second paragraph you started with a lower case letter, you might wanna fix that. Thing 2: You don't really have many periods or commas which is kinda weird. In the entire poem you only have two commas and two periods. You may want to add a few of those in your poem.

That's it! The entire poem was great! I really enjoyed reading this!

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500

THIS IS SO GOOD!

Wow

Hey there alliyah. I've never seen much of your poetry or reviewed it, and since I'm in the mood for it, let's start off July Review Day with a throwback to my old poetry review style.

And from the top...
Titles, descriptions and first lines are how I like to gauge anything that I might come across, because no matter the genre, they always bring forward how the author wanted to present their work. From yours, a reader can quickly see that you wanted to make the lack of understanding repeated, almost drilled into the reader's head. There is a part of this attempt that is noble but for the most part, it's so far getting on my nerves.

A Second Look
So a closer examination of the evidence shows that the lack of communication is more exciting that previously predicted. If I'm being completely and totally honest, i thought that this was going to be far more mopey and sappy. (Still mopey and sappy btw but not presented as crap as I thought it was gonna be.) I mean everybody has bad days with predictictoons and the presentation style throws me. That's the thing for everyone to remember.
In the lane of actual content, the story has an overall sweet tone (??? questionable wording). I say this because even though the speaker has a regret and anger, its also treating this moment(s) as delicate little things. Like in explaining how delicate each of these one things will be, perhaps by some miracle the other person will understand finally. (probs not but love gives us hope. )

Serious Business
The flow is here and there but it really doesn't matter that much to me, as it never does when the content is overruling other actions. When it all boils down to final point, the form of the poem makes it a bit more enjoyable, minus the lack of punctuation. I'm all for not following all those grammatical rules but the lack of some things is making the poem stick. The one spot that really bothered me was the 'just fought', where the sequence just seems to hang on the edge without really connecting to the next line. I don't really know how to explain that feeling but I just thought I should say it.

I wish I had more to say for now but at the current moment, I'm on mobile and I need to preserve my fingers for more reviews throughout the night. Kay should also be along soon so you can get a review from someone who knows their way around a poem.

Anyways.
<3
~Lizz

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

First of all, hi there Alli! I haven't reviewed any poetry of yours in awhile, so this is exciting for me. I'm happy to be reviewing your work this Review Day because this is on the shorter side for your poetry and I enjoyed this. That being said, let's delve right in by saying that the structure here is nice. I always enjoy when the stanzas are evened out because of the sense of neatness. I appreciate that somebody else prefers to keep them this way in certain poems. No punctuation either! I'm cool with all that setting up for this piece. The first stanza I have to say is pretty dang strong and I love the comparison of mornings being similar to the last breaths of a song.

This might be the most effective in the poem for me because the other two are debatable in quality. I can't say that stanzas two and three are bad--they're still quite lovely! I just don't feel the same uumpth (is that a real word or just onomatopoeia) that I do in the first. Not the same serenity. There's a slight shift in tone that I noticed that is possibly due to the strong comparison of the morning and also because the aspects that focus on this other person aren't as strong.

The first stanza is great because the subject matter is made original. In contrast, the second and third stanzas don't do that as well as the first and also add in this vague other person that we know little about. Is this a love interest? Is this a friend? Family? Is this even purposefully that vague? That's a problem that I have with poems that include other people--they usually don't have a personality. It weirds me out. Overall, I found this to be pretty solid, Alli! The ending could've been more effective and impactful and there are parts able to be strengthened, though I enjoyed this.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hi alliyah! Whatcha here for a review.

The title definitely suits this poem, which describes perfectly some people in my life - my sister, for example, somehow dislikes animals. It simply boggles my mind!

Anyway, onto the review.

Line by line

I know you don’t understand
but I still think mornings are delicate
like the last breaths of a song before
a misplaced sound breaks through
they’re something to be preserved
with careful steps and dusty eyes 'dusty eyes'? what does that mean? Perhaps something like 'gentle eyes' (as in gentle hand) or something would make more sense, but it may just be me.
and silence until one must speak love this line!

you weren’t one for conservation
and I think you would still call
my rituals merely superstition
but it’s not your doubts that pained me
it’s the way our disagreement became
defiance and how my life seemed to
only be an obstacle you might break. this is another great line! it shows how much the person the speaker cares about doesn't care back

I don’t know why my stars
were always too far for you
to cast your eyes to see or why I admit, this part I also find slightly confusing until I have a second look - you don't know why the stars where to far, and you also don't know why the paths just fought and fought. I don't know if it was just me or if it's a bit unclear, but perhaps you could change it a bit?
our paths never truly merged, just fought
and fought til one was meant to heed ' 'til' has an apostrophe before it, 'til.
but I still drink my coffee silently
even more so without you. why do I keep loving the last lines of all your stanzas? Well, I love this one too.