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Gain to Give, Give to Gain

by alliyah


If you live to sleep
Why don't you sleep?
To try is to fail,
to succeed  means 
you need a new dream
We move and move
and never slow,
We live to rest
But it doesn't show

If you work to live
Why don't you live?
The work is addicting
The drama infecting
We love to hate
We'll never turn from the bait
Being tricked to swallow our death

If you'd die to save
Why will you not help?
The people call your name
But you scoff at their shame
Saying "they're to blame."
And claiming you're the victim anyways

We live in a circle
Give never gain
Gain never give

We pretend that love rhymes with hate
That they're two sides of the same coin
In time they both will show
But it's just a game of chance

Will we figure out we control our own fate?
The coins are different
Both cradeled in one hand
And we choose which to show.


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155 Reviews


Points: 11208
Reviews: 155

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Tue Jan 15, 2013 4:11 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



'If you live to sleep
Why don't you sleep?
To try is to fail,
to suceed means
you need a new dream
We move and move
and never slow,
We live to rest
But it doesn't show"

"Suceed" should be "succeed", prob'ly a typo.

But you scoff at their shame
Saying "they're to blaim."
And claiming you're the victim anyways

"Blaim" should be "blaime".

"When we figure out we control our own fate?" I think you meant "When will we figure..."

Overall, I really liked it. Keep up the good work. :)




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861 Reviews


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Mon Jan 14, 2013 5:28 pm
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Morrigan wrote a review...



Hey there.

The ending just blew me out of the water. Awesome, dude.

Honestly, I don't really see what the first two stanzas are bringing to the poem. The end seems to be soley applied to the third stanza. If you cut out the first two stanzas, the poem will be more focused on what you seem to want to say.

If you're not going to do that, though, here's some feedback on the first two.
In the first stanza, I feel like it's not sleep focused enough. In the pretty good third stanza, it's definitely focused on the dilemma of saying you want to help, but not actually helping. In the first stanza, you don't really talk that much about the subject you introduced in the first two lines. The second stanza is the same, though not as much. Try to focus on what you first introduced and tie it in to the rest of the poem.

You wrote the third stanza pretty well. There are a few things about it that need change, though:
-"why will you not help?" It would serve the poem better if you wrote "why won't you help?"
-there's no space between people and call (just a typo, I know)
-You've misspelled "blame"

I also quite appreciate the rhyme between blame and claiming in that stanza. It changes things up and makes them fresh.

Here are my suggestions for the last stanza:
-I think you meant "when WILL we figure..."
-you've misspelled "cradled"
-I think you should only italicize "choose" to make a greater emphasis on the choice, and not the we. We should be focused on others, according to your poem, so the focus shouldn't be on OUR choice, but THE choice.

Overall, you did a nice job. I think, however, to improve the clarity of this piece, that you should use more punctuation. There is very little, and it would help.

I hope this review helped. Happy writing.




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13 Reviews


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Reviews: 13

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Mon Jan 14, 2013 11:32 am
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imyourdensity wrote a review...



I'm looking at the review you have so far... and am now comparing it to the time this was posted... still somehow I think this poem needs more freaking attention.

This was soooooo good. Good? Ugh, I apologize for the plain adjective.
This amazing. Delectable. Beautiful. Fantastic.
I love each sentence dearly.

"If you live to sleep
Why don't you sleep?
To try is to fail,
to suceed means
you need a new dream
We move and move
and never slow,
We live to rest
But it doesn't show"

Is it sad or awesome that I relate to the first stanza.
I'm gonna pick awesome. (The other alternative is... sad)
I admit, as soon as you said 'sleep' you had my full and undivided attention.
I won't nitpick this, someone already has, but just wanted to say how wonderfully you balanced the simple truth in this stanza without making it seem too 'over-done'.
(sorry if you don't get what I'm saying there)
For me at least, I didn't pay extra attention to the flow. The meaning of it hit me first and won me over before the structure did.
I'd say that this was my favorite if it weren't for the many other -very- pretty stanza's you've got going on.

"We pretend that love rymes with hate
That they're two sides of the same coin
In time they both will show
But it's just a game of chance"

How juicy is that stanza, I'm salivating (ew.)
This made me think of two-faced love.
Like the side of a boyfriend, the girl will never know. Or like the side a family shows to the new in-laws, until the marriage is over and the masks come off... showing a very different face.

Both love and hate are passionate. Both can be hidden and both show similar patterns of insanity. I love this stanza so much! But again it's still not my favorite.

"If you'd die to save
Why will you not help?
The peoplecall your name
But you scoff at their shame
Saying "they're to blaim."
And claiming you're the victim anyways"

I adore that last sentence.
When it comes to rationalizing justification for our actions, somehow most of us are drawn to that last sentence...
and I don't know why that made me think of Cathy and Heathcliff.

Or rather a daydream I had of what Cathy 'might've' said to Heathcliff.
"It's not my fault you love me, it was always gonna be Edgar Linton."
. . . Okay that was a big might, she probably said something like,
'Let me alone. Let me alone,' (ugh, the big baby)

It also made me think of Cowardice. Selfishness. Poverty. Forgiveness. Blindness.
One-sided love especially.

Flying Daggers quote:
Jin:"If you love her, why would you kill her?"
Leo:"The guilty one would be you, just you."

Anyway, it's my favorite.
Heck, this poem is my new favorite.
-and trust me it's been awhile-

Give never gain,
Gain never give.
The sad little world we live in I'm afraid
and ashamed to say...
density//




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Mon Jan 14, 2013 7:05 am
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AntonioRivera wrote a review...



Hey! I'm here to review, so here you go.

I'm going to speak chronologically as I read the items, starting with the title. In my opinion, the title is too long. If you like it, then so be it; I just like a short, simple title. Next was the first stanza:

"If you live to sleep
Why don't you sleep?
To try is to fail,
to suceed means
you need a new dream
We move and move
and never slow,
We live to rest
But it doesn't show."

I'm not going to nitpick about grammar, you'll see that on your own. This stanza is a little sloppy to me. It doesn't have a natural flow to it. Try to stick to a strict rhymes scheme unless your writing in free verse.

"If you work to live
Why don't you live?
The work is addicting
The drama infecting
We love to to hate
We'll never turn from the bait
Being tricked to swallow our death"

Again, no rhyme scheme, and two lines that rhyme. It throws me off; try to pick one or the other. The last two lines don't really fit with the stanza and to me are too long. That last line is very cliche too; you're a poet, get creative.

"If you'd die to save
Why will you not help?
The peoplecall your name
But you scoff at their shame
Saying "they're to blaim."
And claiming you're the victim anyways"

I think you should have stayed with the same opening as the first two stanzas. It would show continuity. Grammar again. The last two lines are iffy, but not too bad I suppose.

"We pretend that love rymes with hate
That they're two sides of the same coin
In time they both will show
But it's just a game of chance"

I personally do not like contractions in writing unless I'm using dialogue, but that's me. Eliminate the word "just", it makes something sound unimportant. "But it is a game of chance," you are making yourself sound sure, because it is in fact a game of chance.

"When we figure out we control our own fate?
The coins are different
Both cradeled in one hand
And we choose which to show."

First line shouldn't be a question. The next three line are great; I really like them because they're truthful and relatable. Keep that.

Overall, this might seem negative, but it isn't. I thought the poem had a nice meaning to it. Final tips are: work on your grammar before submitting (use a program that spell checks, like Google Drive), try to own the flow of your poem, rhyme scheme or free hand, choose. Continue to write, obviously you love it, so never stop it. It's beautiful because you get better and better each day. You'll submit something next month, and I guarantee that I'll be able to see the difference! So never stop!





In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore