Young Writers Society

Well it's just a poem but what if it has happened with someone in real life...! Killing is not a good way to escape your unwanted fate..! The best way is to walk out. It won't be easy but it's for your sake, for your peace of mind... You won't be living a life of being a murderer...

Hey there,
Well, well, well... This piece of your work, its really powerful. It is amazingly written ... Beautifully executed ... And impressively worked upon. I really could feel all the anguish and anger while reading the poem. I TAKE RESPONSIBILITY- smart choice of words. I hope what you wrote about isn't the reality. Anyway I love the way you wrote about comforting your mom.

"You rest your heart out...let this calm wind caress your frail body..."---my favourite lines from the poem !

The topic that you chose its really unique and though its a sad poem, I loved everything about it.

Never quit writing you are really good at it
Fangirl~

Hello, abdinassir~
WARNING: I AM IN NO WAY AN AUTHORITY OF POETRY. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE MY REVIEW, OR TAKE THE ADVICE.
It's Swordfish here with a review! Now, it was very hard to read this, and it almost brought me to tears because of the relationship between my mother and father. My father, being a narcissistic alcoholic, is a very hard person to talk to or be around, and he treats my mother like a peasant in his kingdom, and I know my mother tries her best. Because of this, this review might not be very in depth.
Anyway, moving along from my personal life. Okay, so first off the title. I read somewhere on YWS that it's best to refrain from posting a literary work in all capitals, so I would change that.
I think it would be best to remove all the:

....

am your son remember...

I like the overall idea of this poem. Maybe you could have worked a bit harder on it, made it flow better and sound better to the reader. But right now here's just some basic fixes:

I feel like you should put an "I" to make "I am your son remember."

I'm not sure every reader will understand the meaning of the word melee

maybe instead of "still we could" " we can still" would be better.

Also I'm still not fond of all of the ellipsis (the dot dot dots) the poem overall could be punctualized better. Your missing spaces after commas and other important places.

And maybe the rhyming could also be better.

Again, great idea, just not the best approach to it.

Hi, Legy here.

Wow, let me first just say, this was a brave topic to tackle. I don't understand what it's like to endure a situation such as this (hopefully you don't either!) but from what I gathered from this, it is super painful. I think you captured the pain and agony really well, but there were a few awkward stand outs in your writing. At first you seemed to intend to carry out a rather eloquent, typically poetic way of expressing the intended story, but in certain sentences you kind of lost track of that. Certain words did not correlate well with the flowery eloquence of your expression, such as the word "melee". It just didn't sound right. Didn't fit.

To be a tad bit more descriptive (but not overly so) you could instead write something along the lines of "I couldn't watch this harsh display of malice" or if you think that's a little too unclear, you could be more simple and say "I couldn't watch him hurt you". Sometimes simple is best.

Lastly, I have one last fussy nitpick, haha. I think every word, sentence has to be meaningful, or say, symbolic to the concept behind the piece of writing. So when you said "calm wind" I don't know what you meant. Sure, it's a nice feeling to have a breeze brush across your skin, but how is that relevant to the content, the very essence of this poem? I dunno, I just think the weather inclusion was a quick-description-out of something you could have put more thought into.

Anyway, I hope I wasn't too mean. On a more positive note, I did enjoy the poem, and understood what you were getting at, so that's important. Your writing also flows beautifully, so well done.