Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Science Fiction

E - Everyone

Cabalistic Corporations | Chapter 9

by Yoshikrab

Was Thea a bright child? Yes.

Was Thea a talented child? Yes.

Was Thea a child that worked harder than anyone else to reach the top? Yes.

Did Thea live the life of a privileged child? No. Definitely no. Complete, resonating, flat, flat, flat, dead no. There was no other answer.

Thea lived with her father, Saurus Garamond, and her three brothers: Polus, Dale, and Simith (Everyone just called him Smith). The Garamonds lived in Mainland MageCorp. In fact, Thea once found a book that showed that nowaday MageCorp used to be a place called Europe. Personally, Thea thought Europe sounded nicer and less imposing than MageCorp.

Thea liked skimming through books, but didn’t have any real dedication to them. The main reason why she skimmed through old books was because she wanted to hide away from her family. Her brothers didn’t hate her, but they avoided her. Her father hated her, but he spent basically his entire life pointing out every one of her mistakes. Thea's mother wasn't really a figure of emotional and mental stability; Her aunts and uncles were already under a grave, and her grandparents still believed in magic. 

But books didn’t provide her much comfort, either. They were just distractions. What Thea really wanted was just some people who appreciated what she could do and thanked her for it. She didn’t want to be praised and worshipped. She just wanted to be appreciated.

“Pollie!” screamed Thea’s mom.

“Wha-at?” whine/screamed Polus, the second to eldest son.

“Come down here this instant!”


“Just come down!”


“If you don’t come down this instant, I’ll make you read the Saxton Dictionary!”

By then, Dale had joined in, “Mom! Can you be quiet! I’m trying to draw!”

“Tell that to your brother!” her mother screamed back. Thea was somewhat surprised that her mother had not lost her voice yet.


There was a flurry of footsteps, and Thea heard a crashing noise.

“Polus! Did you just break our last good plate?” there was no doubt about the answer to her mom’s question when a shrill, angry, bloodcurling scream echoed throughout the Garamond Estate.

Thea’s family was not a very calm one. One might even call it a nuclear family. But there was always a time when everyone was calm, quite, and obedient:

When Thea’s father returned home.

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
675 Reviews

Points: 18050
Reviews: 675

Fri Jan 22, 2021 4:26 am
View Likes
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hi Yoshikrab!

I want to start off by agreeing with Ducklin's review. I think she had some good points, some of which I've already said before so I won't spend too much time on them. Showing instead of telling is always a good idea :)

So, as of right now, Thea doesn't sound very different from Ruben to me. I'm not sure how old Thea is, but the world child makes me think that she's somewhere between 8-12, which I think is also around the same age as Ruben. Ruben was presented to us as this intelligent, perceptive child from of a not so good home, and Thea seems to be presented in a similar fashion, but less extreme. What about Thea makes her unique? What about her adds to the novel in a way that none of the other three characters we no so far can? I get that she's from MageCorp, but nothing in this chapter explains to us what MageCorp is about or how Thea's life is any different at all. In fact, if you hadn't said she was from MageCorp, I probably wouldn't have known. Her life isn't described in a way that's any different from the other corporations.

I've already talked to you about length of chapters in the past, and especially this late we really should be well into the plot, but I still don't feel like much has happened. I do understand taking a break from the action and cutting away to other sections once and a while, but right now didn't feel like the time since clearly Ruben is in danger (from being knocked out) and Silvan and Dakota is in danger (from jumping off of SkyCorp), and we're way more invested in those characters right now. So that's something to think about.

Another question I have is why introduce Thea so much later in the story? I think it would make sense if you don't introduce her at all until the group gets to MageCorp, and having lived there, she would be able to easily help them. But, since she has her own perspective, I believe she is going to be important. And if she's that important, it would be better to introduce her sooner rather than later (like max around chapter 3!), because it was a little jarring to be nine chapters in and think "oh, there's another perspective character? how is she going to play a role?" Another thing to think about.

Final thing, I want to see how the atmosphere of the house changes when Thea's father is home! Give us more substance in this chapter, really introduce us to this character with the same treatment you gave to Silvan and Dakota way back when. It's much more exciting for us to read through the scenes instead of just being told ^^

I don't have much to comment about your actual writing, because I think you're doing a solid job. You're still developing a good voice, your dialogue is still strong and interesting, so I think right now it's just improving on showing more and telling less and you're set.

I look forward to future installments! Happy writing ^^
~ Wolfe

User avatar
16 Reviews

Points: 13
Reviews: 16

Tue Jan 19, 2021 8:08 pm
View Likes
Ducklinstories wrote a review...

Hey hey Yoshi,
Ducklin here for a review! Let's get started shall we?

Minuses -

So it's a realy interesting way of starting your chapter but (there is always a but :}) You see you are asking questions and giving us answers and that completely fine but show us why she isn't privileged and why she is bright. Don't give us a simple yes. I understand the structure here but it's just something I thought of.

“POLUS JACKSON GARAMOND GET DOWN HERE OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!” as for here it looks kinda amateurish for using caps when someone is screaming something you have enough word to express the screaming instead of caps

the chapter was rather short but that something subjectif so that's not really important.

pluses +

I really like the flow of the story and how you personificate thea's family. But the end the end was dashing!
keep on your good work.

I hop this helped a bit and title the next time!

History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx