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Cabalistic Corporations | Chapter 9

by Yoshikrab


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715 Reviews

Points: 20925
Reviews: 715

Fri Jan 22, 2021 4:26 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hi Yoshikrab!

I want to start off by agreeing with Ducklin's review. I think she had some good points, some of which I've already said before so I won't spend too much time on them. Showing instead of telling is always a good idea :)

So, as of right now, Thea doesn't sound very different from Ruben to me. I'm not sure how old Thea is, but the world child makes me think that she's somewhere between 8-12, which I think is also around the same age as Ruben. Ruben was presented to us as this intelligent, perceptive child from of a not so good home, and Thea seems to be presented in a similar fashion, but less extreme. What about Thea makes her unique? What about her adds to the novel in a way that none of the other three characters we no so far can? I get that she's from MageCorp, but nothing in this chapter explains to us what MageCorp is about or how Thea's life is any different at all. In fact, if you hadn't said she was from MageCorp, I probably wouldn't have known. Her life isn't described in a way that's any different from the other corporations.

I've already talked to you about length of chapters in the past, and especially this late we really should be well into the plot, but I still don't feel like much has happened. I do understand taking a break from the action and cutting away to other sections once and a while, but right now didn't feel like the time since clearly Ruben is in danger (from being knocked out) and Silvan and Dakota is in danger (from jumping off of SkyCorp), and we're way more invested in those characters right now. So that's something to think about.

Another question I have is why introduce Thea so much later in the story? I think it would make sense if you don't introduce her at all until the group gets to MageCorp, and having lived there, she would be able to easily help them. But, since she has her own perspective, I believe she is going to be important. And if she's that important, it would be better to introduce her sooner rather than later (like max around chapter 3!), because it was a little jarring to be nine chapters in and think "oh, there's another perspective character? how is she going to play a role?" Another thing to think about.

Final thing, I want to see how the atmosphere of the house changes when Thea's father is home! Give us more substance in this chapter, really introduce us to this character with the same treatment you gave to Silvan and Dakota way back when. It's much more exciting for us to read through the scenes instead of just being told ^^

I don't have much to comment about your actual writing, because I think you're doing a solid job. You're still developing a good voice, your dialogue is still strong and interesting, so I think right now it's just improving on showing more and telling less and you're set.

I look forward to future installments! Happy writing ^^
~ Wolfe

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23 Reviews

Points: 8
Reviews: 23

Tue Jan 19, 2021 8:08 pm
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Ducklinstories wrote a review...

Hey hey Yoshi,
Ducklin here for a review! Let's get started shall we?

Minuses -

So it's a realy interesting way of starting your chapter but (there is always a but :}) You see you are asking questions and giving us answers and that completely fine but show us why she isn't privileged and why she is bright. Don't give us a simple yes. I understand the structure here but it's just something I thought of.

“POLUS JACKSON GARAMOND GET DOWN HERE OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!” as for here it looks kinda amateurish for using caps when someone is screaming something you have enough word to express the screaming instead of caps

the chapter was rather short but that something subjectif so that's not really important.

pluses +

I really like the flow of the story and how you personificate thea's family. But the end the end was dashing!
keep on your good work.

I hop this helped a bit and title the next time!

Remember: when people tell you something’s wrong or doesn’t work for them, they are almost always right. When they tell you exactly what they think is wrong and how to fix it, they are almost always wrong.
— Neil Gaiman