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Cabalistic Corporations | Chapter 8

by Yoshikrab


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715 Reviews

Points: 20925
Reviews: 715

Thu Jan 21, 2021 4:52 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hi Yoshikrab! Let's get into it :)

First of all, I'm still not sure why Dakota's perspective is necessary. I've mentioned this before, but it felt especially apparent here. I'm currently more interested and invested in Silvan, because he's the character we can relate the most to and have also seen the most development out of. I don't see why we need a third party looking at his actions, when it would be more interesting to just see his thought process as he watches the Firecracker burn, as his thoughts turn to an opportunity of escape, as he sees the escape pods and run to it. That's way more engaging than Dakota simply telling us she saw him trying to get into a pod, so run with it!

Now, I'm not saying we don't need Dakota as a character, but there should be some better reason as to why we're in her head. Right now, she feels like the most bland character. I don't know what her motivations are. Why does she care about Silvan at all? Their relationship hasn't been very well developed in the past chapters, because they haven't spent much time together at all. I'd love to see more exploration of that, of how they can grow together as they have a better bond. As it stands, I don't get why Dakota feels responsible for Silvan, but I want to! Show us the gritty details of their dynamic.

My other main issue with this chapter is in this paragraph:

Thinking about SkyCorp made Silvan mad. They all hated him. ...

I won't quote it all, since it's your story, but essentially Silvan sulks about how he feels like everyone uses him, which may possibly be true. The issue is that we don't get to experience any of that. We don't see how Silvan is treated by the other people. He was in maybe one scene with all of them, and I'd want to see this being a recurring pattern. I want to see more trial and error out of Silvan. I want you to show us that this is how the world is treating Silvan, instead of just telling us. Until now, I'd thought that Silvan was perfectly happy there, aside from wanting to go home. He had access to resources, he had a good promotion, he had a life he could live more comfortably. So it came a shock to me that he wasn't satisfied, and I'd like that to be more played up, so we can see Silvan's growth and his motivation behind his decisions before he makes them.

Quick nitpick!

Then, before he could even finish the dreadful thought, the parachute activated, slowing down his fall joltingly, knocking the air out of his lungs.

Joltingly is a very atypical adverb, and I think it would do this sentence some good to reword it. I'm a personal fan of the hemingway editor (it's a free app), and it recommends against using many adverbs, because normally you can just replace the adverb with a stronger verb or adjective. It'd make the prose easier to read.

As a whole, I liked the development. Silvan is finally going out on his own! Like I've said before, I think slightly longer chapters would do well for this novel, because then you get more time to get sucked into the story/scene, since right now it feels like disjointed flashes between a bunch of different plot points. I also like that you've come back to the idea of winds, which is a nice recurring idea that can tie the story together!

Also, I think your dialogue is pretty strong. It's easy to read, it sounds like it's in character, and it flows really well. Also, each character sounds unique to themselves, which makes it easier to distinguish between them while also relating more to the ones you like! So great job on that :)

Hope this was helpful! Let me know if you have any questions~
~ Wolfe

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33 Reviews

Points: 2189
Reviews: 33

Mon Jan 04, 2021 3:06 pm
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Ave38 wrote a review...

Good chapter! I love the dynamic you set up between Silvan and Dakota, with Silvan ending up in bad situations (like falling out of the sky), and then Dakota has to go and stop him from dying.

Then, he had to sleep in a room basically next to five tornadoes on the Firecracker.
'Basically' sounds a little repetitive here since you had used it recently.
Silvan thought that the parachute wasn't working for some reason and he was just going to smash onto the ground.
'For some reason' feels unnecessary here.
Then, before he could even finish the dreadful thought, the parachute activated, slowing down his fall joltingly, knocking the air out of his lungs.
I would probably put 'and' before 'knocking the air out' to string the sentence together.
Even Dakota wanted him to stay at the end. She probably just wanted him to stay so she could be promoted.
This sounds like a good conflict building up.
Other than that, I'm looking forwards to chapter nine!

Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White