Heya Yastika!
With this review I am all caught up with your novel until you post some more! Again, this review won't be the longest in response to the length of the work. But it was interesting to read, and I think I liked it more than the second half of the first chapter!
I know what I like very well here is what you did when she was out and unconscious. Sometimes that can be pretty hard to write well but you managed to do it perfectly. I liked how we never got to see her thoughts or emotions to what was occurring around her because it showed she wasn't actually aware, but instead we simply could hear things and that is all. We got to know about the people who were looking after her and that she had some kind of transformation, which I am eager to hear more about. I want to know what they changed, and how she is going to react to finding out. It seems like she hasn't noticed anything different yet, but I am sure it can only be a matter of time...
She looks way too ordinary...I mean
Here's a pet peeve of mine! After the ellipsis, the three dots, there needs to be a space before you start the next sentence. If you don't have it then you are technically conjoining the two words together, likeso and that doesn't make any sense in the slightest. Therefore, the all important space needs to happen after the ellipsis, and then you can continue on.
I feel like the flow in the president's speech and in that section was basically off. Reading it was a struggle because there was so much stopping and starting. And that is probably because we have to pause every time we see a comma. I am not saying you used them wrong, because I think they ere all done well. But I think you could easily tweak those sentences so you could use a lot less commas. Just take them and say them aloud, switching word order and small things such as that until you have a sentence you can say naturally. Remember, although there are dramatic pauses in politic speeches, they aren't written in to the written version with commas. They are chosen on the moment, and the speech still seems to flow well.
I felt like the beginning was an oh so convenient info dump! There really is no other way to put it xD In one flashback we were showered with all the information to tell us why the crystals were there, and who put them there. It does cause me to ask some questions, but it also breaks any aura of mystery you had going on. It's good to have some more mystery there, to prolong it a bit before we found out the reasoning behind everything. I also think maybe there could be another way to show us which would be more exciting? Have Christine unearth it somehow? I just felt like the speech was a bit mediocre and a bit of a typical info dump method. Too easy. Try and jazz it up a little bit more, make giving the information to the reader more fun for us!
Leave it to us, this is government work, and we don't need a 15 year olds opinion.
I don't even see why a fifteen year old is involved in government work as well. Maybe her parents have something to do with it, and she would wonder why there is a stranger in the house, but I doubt they would then go and tell her everything they are doing and give her explanations. I would think she'd be used to people keeping secrets in her house because it would all be part of the job. So it confuses me to see her with so much information at her disposal to begin with. Also, when you write 'year olds' it should be 'year old's'.
That's all I have to say! I would be eager and happy to read anything more you write for this novel or your other one, so make sure you leave me a comment on my wall or something if you update.
Deanie x
Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634
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