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Night-time

by WritingPrincess


This was written for A Summer Outside Of Your Comfort Zone. Check it out in the Writing Activities forum. 

Stars flooding the black night sky,

Glittering, shining, sparkling in my eyes.

One thousand souls lighting up the black night sky,

I wonder who they are, when they died and why.

A moon is dancing in the blanket of darkness,

A light shining in the midst of all the madness.

Over one month in the blanket of darkness,

A moon changes shape and size and fatness.

Streetlights are beaming, leading the way,

Headlights are shining on the motorway.

Streetlights are showing a lead of the way,

Cars follow them, so they say.

Dawn breaks and the sun rises,

And once again the night has won one thousand prizes.

People climb out of bed as the day rises,

And the sun shines again. 


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Sun Aug 12, 2018 2:29 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hi WritingPrincess! I'm here to review for the Poetry Exchange! :)


I think you've actually got a pretty good handle on rhythm from the looks of this piece, for the most part it really worked. Towards the end the lines get a bit shorter as the poem is ending, and the 3rd to last line "And once again the night has won one thousand prizes" is a little clunky - because it's suddenly a long line again and has the awkward repetition of won/one.

There's a few other wording issues I'd recommend double checking:

1) Repetition

Repetition when used to make a point, or clarify meaning is great! Often it works best when the word means something different in each use, or is used like a chorus to emphasize a point. When it's not doing those things though, it sounds clunky and like the author ran out of words. Also one should normally avoid the same word for end-rhyme words (ie. rises, way, darkness, and sky are all used twice) because it shows a lack of variety/creativity in word choice.

I think there's a bit too much repetition in this poem in other places too - (Streetlights, moon, once/one, shines/shining) -- see if you can mix it up or just eliminate those lines. Because if you're repeating yourself the reader will likely lose interest.

2) Word Type

Another thing that I look for in wording, is the character of the words - ie. are most of the words scientific, romantic, technical, emotive, modern, formal, simple, aggressive, imagery etc. I always look to see if all the words kind of fit in those same categories or does something awkwardly stand out. For the most part in this poem you did a nice job of keeping all the imagery in the same sort of setting - machines (Streetlights, cars, motorways) and skylines (night, sun, day, shines). I didn't quite get the "prizes" bit at the end, because there was nothing about a competition or prizes prior in the poem and I did think the word "fatness" was a bit of an odd description to use for the moon, but that was the only two that sort of stood out in that way.

3) Some Good Things

Some aspects that I wanted to point out that I think you did really well are painting a picture and adding a layer of meaning. A poem with just philosophy or just an image is relatively boring, but when you combine a pretty picture with an interesting message then you have layers of meaning. And I think the poem did this, especially with the metaphor of the stars and souls, which continues down to the last lines as the souls are observing the people arising.

I think you could push your imagery to be a bit more imaginative because nothing in the setting descriptions struck me as particularly unique or even specific. You covered all the bases for the "basic" night sky descriptors, but it didn't really go further than that. I'd love to hear more about the colors and maybe a metaphor for what the sky looks like too.

You might also consider expanding that metaphor about the stars and souls to have a clearer tie-in at the end, so that the message pulls all the way through the poem.

Overall, I think this was a nice poem about the night sky, and I think a little bit more originality in some of the images and wording would bring it to the next level. Nicely done WritingP! :) I look forward to reading your next big poem!

Feel free to let me know if you had any questions about my review! :)

~alliyah




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Sat Aug 11, 2018 12:17 am
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello WritingPrincess! I'm here as requested (even though it's late lmao)

So first off, for your message, did you know that if you click on the little speech bubble on the right of your work when you enter the Publishing Center, you can preview the work and leave comments? That's where I always put my author's notes :)

Anyways.

So I noticed that every other line has the same word as the one two lines before, if you know what I mean? I think that this reduces the flow somewhat. However, it does provide a very different type of rhyme sceme, so I guess that it's your preference of what's important in the poem.

Also, I've noticed that you capitalize every line. You don't have to do that. (this is only for your information, in case you didn't know) In fact, you can capitalize only the first parts of the sentence or not even capitalize at all!

Otherwise, I did like this poem! With a little bit of revising, this could easily become a great poem on the site. I liked quite a few of the lines and I recommend for you to revise it as you get better at poetry! :)

Have a fantabulous day!

this review was brought to you by zaminami

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Sun Jun 03, 2018 2:43 am
elysian wrote a review...



Hello, here as requested!

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

I see this is for SOYCZ, that's exciting! I really need to work on mine ugh. Let's get right into my thoughts!

okay so the first thing I notice is that this is an ABAB CDCD EFEF... structured poem, but it suddenly ends with your last line. This could be a stylistic choice but it's kind of awkward to read.

I also notice you say "black night sky" twice but none of the other (C and E) lines match like that, so maybe use a different description so it's not random repetition?

Dawn breaks and the sun rises,

And once again the night has won one thousand prizes.


this part reads really weirdly, especially the second line. It's a little too long for the flow and it seems like you were straining to find the rhyme instead of putting a line that really means something to the poem there if that makes sense.

Other than those few things, I enjoyed your poem a lot! I feel like poetry is something that can't really be perfect nor not perfect at the same time, because everybody will view it differently. There is never going to be a right way unless you're writing poetry for a project or something. What I am trying to say is that my opinions mean NOTHING, it's all about what you as a poet want this poem to look, sound, and feel like. Just wanted to make that clear <3

Hope this helps!

- Del






Thanks! This really helped.



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Mon May 21, 2018 6:07 pm
SerefennaBlaze wrote a review...



Wow I really liked this poem.
I really loved the rhyme pattern that you used to describe the nighttime.
It enhanced the poetry.
Also I like the ending with the sun coming out.
I love the nature and poems describing day, night etc. So this was really good.
I just want to say that way was used a little bit but it got hidden because of rhyme scheme.
Very good effort!






Thanks!



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Sun May 20, 2018 2:38 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem about the wonders of night. I like the imagery of blackness, stars, moon. I like how the nighttime traffic is included. It reminded me of all those times that I drove during the night both in the city and in the countryside.

Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your work.


Suggestion

Careful in not repeating the same phrases and words or using words that are equivalent to one another.

. . . . black night sky, black night sky, . . . . [repetition unnecessary]

Glittering, shining, sparkling in my eyes.[redundant]
[Glittering, in my eyes.]






Ok and thanks for the review.



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Sun May 20, 2018 1:46 pm
Jevan13 wrote a review...



This was an amazing piece! I don't know if it's just because I like the night time or because of the more abundant use of descriptive language that I found. Believe it or not, there is not a cornucopia of people who can effectively describe the night, or maybe that's only based on the poems I've read. But as usual we need to get the nitpicky stuff out of the way.

1. The use of "way" so frequently– I get what you're going for–a string of rhymes– but in my opinion, "way" was popping up too often. If you had put another "at" ending between the "way"s that would have been fine. So like “waterway then motorway” not really, but “ waterway then say then motorway” would have been fine.

Honestly that the only thing that I found as a problem and it's being nitpicky so don't sweat it. Overall awesome poem and I'd give it a 9.9999 out of 10, just out of nitpicking :) .

-Jevan






Thanks so much! Yeah I get that but I couldn%u2019t figure out how to do the rhyming and repetition in that one.



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Sun May 20, 2018 9:18 am
qalbdaye3 says...



love the way this is pieced together so perfectly. how all details are joined. for example, when you started describing the sky, you stayed in that range (the darkness, the moon, the stars). love it. keep writing you are grrreat ! ~a






Thanks so much! I really appreciate your comment.




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