War Crimes
by Lethe Jinx, your neighborhood werecat
If heaven had a key, I'd
steal it.
It'd be small, golden, and
easy to hide,
the lock matching it in
delicacy.
Soft chimes would sound as I
reverently turned my hand,
sealing a treasured goal
away forever.
And just like that, I'd lock us out of heaven.
If hell had a bolt, I'd
break it.
It'd be thick, gray, and
untouched by age,
the chains matching it in
maleficence.
A metallic clang of stricken
metal, shards falling in my wake
as I run, laughing, with the
hounds of hell at my heals.
And just like that, I'd unleash all of our demons.
If earth had a door, I'd
hide it.
It'd be fragrant, smelling
of apples and joy,
and its hinges would be
well-oiled and soundless.
The silence would deepen as
I cloaked the frame in shadows,
claiming happiness from
those who would squander it.
And just like that, I'd kill us all.
Turning humans into hounds, I'd cry havoc and unleash you to war.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello Black Night Werecat! CHRISSY321 here with a Really late night review!
*Happy Review Day!*
Okay, first off, I am going to tell you that I am tired, so this may not me the best review! For one What I want to do is just let you know how astounding you detail is! There is just so much of it, describing all the doors the the different types of our world. there is only a thing or two to fix:
" A metallic clang of stricken metal, shards falling in my wake
as I run, laughing, with the hounds of hell at my heals. "
I have to point out that I think you meant 'heels' instead of 'heals'
Heels are the back/bottom of your feet, and heals though sounds the same, means to fix or cure something- so yeah, I think you meant 'Heels" XD
Other that that, this is great! good for you! The words you used, and just that way you carried the whole thing out is great! Keep Writing!
Hello!
Very interesting poem you have here. I really like how it started out-- it caught my attention quite well.
That said, there are some things that could be improved.
First off:
That should be "at my heels," not heals.
Secondly, I thought this was executed very nicely, but you're missing something... Intention. Of course this is only my opinion, but I think it would be relevant and important to say why your narrator is doing all of this. Why do they have a vengeance against the entire planet?
This answer doesn't have to be long and drawn out. It could just be a line or two. Maybe just something vague. Maybe the narrator's father died in a war or something. I think it would add a lot of depth to "GRR I'M ANGRY LET ME KILL EVERYONE!!!" (although phrased much more eloquently).
Also, when you get to the Earth part, I think your concept started slipping a little, towards the end of the stanza, maybe around the hinges part. I understand why the key to heaven would be that way, and hell would be that way, but why is Earth's door soundless, etc. I think you should look over that stanza again. Personally, I like the smelling of apples thing, but the rest of the stanza feels really unneeded to me, and I would suggest you just remove it.
And I think that's all I've got in the critiques department. Just watch out for cliches. I think you did pretty well in avoiding them, but it never hurts to double check.
Great job, keep writing!
Very well written, I enjoyed it very much.
I don't know if it's in much poetry, don't read too much, but I really like the group of stanzas and then a short and quick overarching line.
I guess the only things that I don't really understand/ that bother me slightly is that I don't really see the connection with the title. But that may just be me.
Also the line after the third grouping just doesn't seem to fit for me. The first one involves locking heaven with the key spoken of in that grouping. then breaking the bolt of hell unleashing the demons. But the third group is about a door, and the line is death/killing, and I don't see how those are interconnected. But again, that may just be me.
I really like this though, you can picture everything very easily and it flows very nicely. Well done
Wow, lovely poem! Your writing is so smooth and I love your metaphors. Please, please write more!
This is really good. This isn't really much of a review though because I couldn't find anything wrong with the poem. I really like how you tied three different concepts together, it was really cool. This is one of my new favorites and you should totally write more things like this.
~Prez. T
tumultuous
*chews on poem*