Pretty words:
A girl with brown hair that falls straight down to her back, her green eyes sparkle, reflecting the smile on her face. She is sitting with her best friend on the bus. She is telling him about her crush, blushing in all the right moments. And he is telling her about a ring he got his girlfriend. The world is silently listening to her story.
The story about the silly bliss she is in when she is with her crush. How she smiles and giggles, how she feels like everything is okay.
How her crush, with brown eyes and a smile that lights up the world, looks at her like he cares.
She walks home with a smile on her face, the world walks with her. That night she sleeps peacefully, dreaming of the boy who makes her heart smile.
The next day she speaks with her friend with dark hair, she is a girl that listens like no other.
Ugly reality:
A girl runs her fingers through her brown hair. Her green eyes pool with the tears that she is fighting. She tries to smile at her best friend who she is sitting next to on the bus. She is telling him about her crush, who doesn't talk to her anymore. Her best friend tries to make her feel better by telling her about a ring he got for his girlfriend. He is so stupid, because the girl can't stand his girlfriend, and his girlfriend hates the girl. The world is loudly laughing at her story.
The story about how she believed every word her crush told her. About how he lied to her. About how she misses him, and how he rejects her and refuses to speak to her.
How her crush, with the dark eyes like a black hole, drew her in then spat her out like a piece of trash.
The reality hits her: He never cared at all.
The world laughs at this rejected girl as she walks home and cries herself to sleep. Wishing she knew why her crush stopped talking to her.
The next day she gets into an argument with her friend with dark hair, she is a girl with depression, she makes the girl with green eyes feel like nothing.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
hi Inked , heard from you after long.
so, i liked your work and it really juxtaposed faced of reality and fake. the story is beautiful, but again is it really a poem or a story? is it properly categorized? please clear my doubt or misunderstanding if you get a scope. now for the nitpicking-
"feels like everything is okay."- i think you may use " fantastic'' to raise it to a different level so that the fall seems more drastic and painful.
"The next day she speaks with her friend with dark hair, she is a girl that listens like no other."- "listens like no other"- i really didn't understand what you mean here. is that a silent girl, a compassionate one or anything else?
"she is a girl with depression, she makes the girl with green eyes feel like nothing."- i think you may have written it as " she is a girl who gifts depression" - that you suit well with her black hair and heart.
you write very well,
keep writing
Rituparna
Aw I feel bad for anyone that can relate to this (I can) and it's not something I want anyone else to have to go through. There are always two sides to a story and often the thruth is the less pretty one. You did a stupendous (big word!!) Job on this. Keep up the fabulous work love!!
Thank you for taking the time to read it. I'm not sure if I'm a good writer, but I know what I feel, and this was it. It means a lot.
Yes I did go through this, that is probably why I get a little salty when people tell me to change a scene, because this is how it happened.
Thank you again!
Hey there!
I really like this concept. You have a cool thing here, but I think some things could be tweaked.
I don't know if this is an autobiographical account of something that happened to you, but I'm going to assume that it isn't. There are parts in this where the "Ugly reality" doesn't seem ugly at all. The first ugly reality does seem rather ugly, but the second one sounds really nice, to me at least.
Also, this looks like a typo: "frienthis"
There are times also when the Pretty words didn't sound pretty. For example, when a guy shows a girl the ring that they're getting for their girlfriend, but that girl could perhaps still like that guy... no matter how you phrase it, it still sounds pretty ugly.
I think you could extend this metaphor of pretty words if you made those sections be written in poetic, lavish language. Usually I would NEVER instruct someone to do this, but because of your metaphor, I think it might work okay.
For example: "The fair maiden holds a remembrance of yonder years since past, when a the gentlemen of her affections made her bosom swell with laughter and beat with passion. She reminisces a time when he held her just as close to his heart." Something like that.
Conversely, the Ugly reality should definitely be uglier. Use ugly words. Make ugly comparisons. Make your reader write in discomfort at how ugly it all is!
I think that might pull your reader in stronger.
Wow, I just read Aley's review, and she's saying pretty much the same thing. Must be a sign then, huh?
Keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions!
Thank you this poem is a work in progress and will change periodically. Thank you for your feed back,
~ Inked.
Hey Inked!
I think what you're trying to do with this poem is really courageous. You're trying to portray the difference between reality and hollywood, but I think in a lot of these cases, you still have a bit of the "pretty words" to cut through.
Because you still use the same language for the actual "reality" as you do for the "pretty words" it makes it feel like pretty words are in reality when I think what you're going for is opposite that, isn't it? Instead of saying "clear green eyes glittered" again, why not use some other description that's more apt to what you actually have experienced. Do you know your best friend's eye color? What about that girl you just talked to a few times on the bus?
Overall, I think you're really trying to strive for something interesting. I haven't seen a poem comparing the false reality and the reality in writing in quite this manner, but I think you could push it even farther. Try working with just one of these, and really create an image for us in our minds through the language, then create the image again, but through reality, off the big picture, so to speak.
Welcome to YWS!
If you have any questions feel free to ask <3
I can't wait to see more of your work.
Thank you I appreciate your feed back, and I have taken what you have said into consideration as you can see.
~Inked:)
I'm sorry if this poem doesn't make sense I tried really hard to make it work.