Young Writers Society

Thanks everyone for the constructive criticism. I'll surely change my work for the better.

It is a positive story, but it needs some work. Some words do not rhyme, but do not worry, it can always be fixed!

I think the majority of the poem is a little off and rough on edges. But some polishing and new words will really do:)
I just wish that the world will be cleaner and safer.
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey!
So Widdershins already commented on quite a few elements of this poem which I agree with. The rhyme is forced, and it makes for an awkward, slow read. A lot of the time I had to go back and read a line twice because it didn't make sense due to the forced rhyme. So, yeah, go back and revisit that.

I do like the sentiment and message behind this poem, but I don't think you convey it very well. You make it rather unrelateable to the reader, there is nothing in the poem that makes me go, 'oh, damn'. This is obviously not very good, so work on how you use language to connect with your audience, like Widdershins said, don't just try and sound fancy by using big words.

Also, please edit, there is nothing worse than reading a poem that isn't edited. You have some very obvious mistakes that make the reading of this poem hard. So just go back through and edit it a bit, it will make a world of difference.

Sorry for being kind of harsh, this has the potential to be a good poem but you need to work on it.
All the best and keep writing
Nargles xxx

Hello!
I think there is a really good point behind this poem.
However, I think it is obscured by forced rhyme and thesaurus words.

First, let's talk rhyme. Rhyme is good when it isn't forced, when it's used naturally. However, when people go, "oh, I have to make this rhyme. Hm, what rhymes with 'fuss?' hm... yeah, let's use treacherous! Now I just have to weave that in somehow." Well, that's when rhyme isn't so good. That's when words are used solely for the purpose of rhyming. Can you honestly tell me that you would have used the word "honey" if you had not used the word "money?" Could you tell me the same for any of the rhyming pairs? My suggestion: Don't make this rhyme. Get rid of the rhymes. They're clogging up your poem and making it hard to follow. I know rhymes are cool and all that, but I honestly think this would be a more thought-provoking poem if it wasn't muddled.

Next, thesaurus words. These are words that you look up to use a bigger word. Examples of these words in this poem: "defalcate," "indelible," "Dubitable," "Perfidy," with the more common, but still thesaurus-seeming words, "treacherous," and "Insatiable."
I had to look up the first four words on that list, and I feel like they don't even really fit with the context they're in. In short: these words stick out in a bad way. If you reader has to look up multiple words that are not critical to the poem, then you're poem isn't going to be very popular. It sort of sounds like the author is going "nyah nyah, I'm smarter than you!" Use more common words, is what I'm getting at. The audience will thank you.

Finally, triple check your grammar. There are a lot of places that make me cringe. For example:
You end nearly every line with a semi-colon. That's a no-no in my books. I suggest punctuating this like you would any piece of prose. Lots of comas and periods. Semicolons are okay where semicolons are needed, but usually they're not needed, and that's why no one knows how to use them.

The nature their, treacherous;

The good the laws, they defalcate;