The castle grounds were empty, the vacancy pronounced by the echo of the worn boots. Though abandoned, it was in relatively suitable conditions. The floors were clean, and only minimal layers of dust accumulated on the barren furniture. She'd hit jackpot find this place. The board of education couldn't close her department now, no, not with this pearl. The halls were intact, everything precisely so, and so very, very cultural. Her emotional rollercoaster was at an all time high. She couldn't begin to express her absolute fascination with the intricacies this Maximilian relict possessed. It was imperial, untouched, divine, miraculous-!
"Enjoying yourself, milady? Are my walls really eye candy for such a young damsel? I do try to upkeep them." The curt voice startled the intruder, and crashed her aspiration of discovering an uncollected piece of history. The girl's eyes lowered to her feet. She wriggled her toes and watch the thin leather flex with her movements. "I'm sorry to perturb you. I was under the impression that this castle was abandoned. You see, I'm an explorer, per say. My passion is finding history. It's better than any riches." The girl peered upwards and clasped her hands together. The owner of the voice was petite, from her height to features. Her face was rounded and soft, with slight cheekbones accentuating it. Her hair was clipped to a shaggy pixie, topped with a miniscule top hat on one side. Sitting on her face were the darkest eyes the girl had ever observed, hooded slightly by the long, downward stroking eyelashes and slopping eyebrows. Her lips composed to a fine line, before popping open. "Sorry, poppet. This castle is mine. I am the Lord of it. It is my sanctuary."
The girl's face fell. Damn, and even the mirrors were unscathed by the cruel tick of the clock. She had been naive to think such a preserved place was barren. "I am truly sorry. Perhaps I could have a tour of it?" The other girl's stare loosened and her lips twitched upwards for a slither of second. "Certainly, Noelle." The girl stopped abruptly. "I don't recall giving you my name." The short figure chuckled. "You must be forgetful then! Now, follow me and I'll lead you to the corridors of history." She gestured to a dim hallway, further dipping herself into it. With slight reservations and skepticism, Noelle followed suit.
The walls were lined with portraits of monarchs, some rotund and bald, others thin and cold. All of their eyes were narrowed with an unexplained discriminatory glint. For every step the other girl took, the hallway seemed to light and unveil its' length. It was almost as if was generated with each pace she took. "Oh! I am terribly sorry, I've forgotten to inquire of your name?" Noelle blushed a bit, taken aback by her own unpolished manners. The girl ceased her light manner, and turned with an almost hurt twinkle in her eyes. Her expression dulled before she regained her composure. "I am Angeline Venavente. And these are all the family portraits, starting with the founder of the Kingdom of Spades, Ligones. She was the first King-" At this, Noelle blinked, confused. "King? But she is a woman, is she not?"
Angeline rolled her eyes good naturedly. "Don't be stupid! The titles have nothing to do with gender, but are rather roles assigned. The Spadian Empire was established by the King Ligones, along with her Queen. For many years, my bloodline ruled the Spades. However, a war with neighboring kingdoms destroyed us all. The only thing that is left is this ghost." Noelle was awed. She had never heard of such a battle, nor kingdom. This was gold! "How was the Spadian kingdom destroyed?" She was genuinely excited, her voice tinted with wonder. Angeline rubbed her index finger dismissively at a frame from one of the nearest portraits, and flicked her fingers clear of the soot with a grim expression. "Legend has it," she began, "That the Spades had control over time," she proceeded to unbutton her breast pocket and pull out a gold chain, "during the war, the kingdom overused that power in a vain attempt to salvage itself. However, time is very much like fire. Mess with it, and it bites, expect much, much worse. The consequences for toying with the very fabric of the universe are steep. The Spades and their conspirers paid the highest toll. This is the last clock that remains. These were supposed to harness their power." She had finished fishing out the small pocket watch and deposited on Noelle's waiting palm. She promptly pried it open and studied the design. It was simple and bright, with a plain white face and contrasting black hands. Oddly enough, it was missing the very first numbers; 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5. The hands ticked forward, and it seemed six was slowly fading. "This is amazing." Angeline snickered. "Let us proceed." Noelle had to dash to catch up to her. She swiveled through corners of a seemingly endless maze, until she arrived at a pair of heavy wooden doors. With a melodramatic push, you spread them to reveal the room's contents.
"The master bedroom. Here the Spadian Queen and King slept." The grandeur of it was inspiring. It was decorated with the finest silk and light hues of blue and scattered earth tones. The bed was vast and inviting, the windows open to let the morning breeze in. A mirror hung parallel to the bed, portraying a full body image. Before Noelle could approach it, a sweet melody resonated in her ears. It was strangely familiar, and she could've sworn she heard it in a distant past. Angeline had a cracked open a music box that lay atop one of the mahogany bedside tables. It had carved roses and was painted with bright dyes. It was charming and soothing.
"Milady," Angeline bowed and her hat stayed on in a gravity defying moment, "may I ask for this dance?" Noelle giggled, before it occurred to her that she had never once set foot in an elegant ball in her life. "I, uh... I've never waltzed before." Angeline smiled warmly, almost nostalgically, and outstretched a gloved hand. "No matter, we all start off as beginners. Think of a box as we dance, and keep your eyes on me. Don't look away again." Noelle decided to ignore the final words, passing them off as a quote from some sort of poet. She carefully took the offer and began to sway in time with the music. Her body fell into an almost trance like state, as she danced to her heart's content. The melody ended, and the pair split, Noelle tucking a stray strand of curly hair back. "Dear, I must be made a mess. Allow me to fix myself." She began to walk towards the mirror.
"NO!" screamed Angeline, her hand outstretch in a desperate attempt to hold her back. But it was too late. As Noelle stared into the reflection, a new image was reflected back. The castle was in tatters. The bed was broken and every single furniture was burnt or broken beyond repair. Everything looked a millennia old. And Angeline's reflection was not there. Instead, a tattered, stained purple coat and a pair of red gloves were strewn on the floor. A hat lay half chewed underneath the bed, as if a malicious dog had gnawed through the material.
Only then did she remember. The King Noelle recalled the war, and the death of her beloved Queen, Angeline. The war between Diamonds, Hearts and Clubs had pulled a strain on time, and they had ripped a paradox through it. As payment, everyone was sacrificed in order to balance the world. She remembered how the hounds of death had torn Angeline to pieces. She could hear the distorted screams of her citizens begging for mercy as the world ripped in half. Noelle turned around, tears stinging her eyes, only to find Angeline a mere shadow of what she was. The pocket watch's numbers were completely wiped. Her eyes were gelatin, her cheeks hollowed. She was too skinny, and sickeningly pale. Her limbs were missing chunks and her clothes were frayed. Some of her bones were visible from the lack of skin. Noelle had an overwhelming
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Hello, there.
I don't think you put the whole story up. It ends mid sentence. And just as I was getting into it, too!
I think your premise is quite interesting, though there are some issues with the execution. I feel like it moves too fast, and there are some grammar errors.
First of all, you need to start a new paragraph every time a character speaks. If it is the same character speaking, you can keep it in the same paragraph, but if it is the other character speaking, you must put it in a new paragraph. That way, what everybody says is attributed to the correct character.
Second, I like how the story jumps in, but I would like more context of Noelle's exploration. It mentions something about a school board, but it's not enough.
The card wars are interesting, but I feel that the transformation into the King needs more context, or at least explanation. I would describe the mirror as something special before she looks into it, so it's at least different from any other mirror. That would be nice.
I hope that this review proves useful to you. Happy YWSing!
Hi there, Vivaldi. Donizback for a review! And I hope it won't disappoint you any further now. Welcome to this awesome website. It is really great and I hope you will enjoy a lot on here. The people here are really cool and friendly. And everyone loves to review these amazing stories.

I am excited about reviewing this little masterpiece of yours now! So without any further delay, I am going to get into reviewing your work.
Please note that whatever I say is just a suggestion and should not be taken very seriously because that's why I think - and guess what! Nobody cares what I think.
Well, you wrote that it is a romantic and mysterious short story. And, to be honest, it was good. Not really one of the best short stories ever but really good. It is still the first time you posted something on here so I hope you shall improve a lot as time would pass on. Another suggestion being that, do take all the criticism positively.
I am not a grammar guy who would pick every mini mistake you made in every paragraph so I shall leave it onto @CapitalMonday to do that for you. He/she is really cool at doing it.
If I am not mistaken, it roughly 1300+- words, right? Short stories are a little longer than this. Try to add more depth to your writing especially the ending of it.
I see your lacking on the punctuation too! Try to get those correct, boy. They are super important when it comes to writing. Also, I see no period (American) or full stop (British) at the end of the story. Why? Did you forget it or left it on purpose?
I suggest you to proofread your own work, or ask your friend to proofread it from time to time before posting it on here.
Not to forget, it was a really good attempt to write this story. Do keep writing and I hope to read more of your stuff here. Good luck and don't ever hesitate to message me if you need any help whatsoever.
Signing off from here! Got more reviews to do. Good luck!
Sadly, I don't think this website can hold all of my writing. Oh well.
It should. People have posted stories that are five times longer than this. What's the problem? Is it showing an error?