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E - Everyone

Loving Night at the Club

by Vilnius


"May I have this dance?" a handsome young man said, offering Maria his hand.

"I... Yes," Maria replied, standing. Her gloved hand took his pale one, and he led her towards the dance floor a few feet away,

Though the secret New York club was largely meant for modern jazz groups, the ghosts of the Glenn Miller Orchestra seemed to be playing tonight. Miller himself started a beat before the entire group began to play a catchy tune Maria recognized as "In the Mood".

"Do you know the Lindy Hop?" the young man asked her.

Maria nodded, and immediately he took her other hand and started to lead. His bright green eyes seemed to be a mix of human and Elvish. She knew them, but couldn't place where she had recognized them from.

They danced for a few minutes, twirling and spinning in rhythm with the distinctive music, seemingly staring into one another's souls. To them, no one else was there; together, yet alone, amidst a crowd of dozens.

Maria felt depressed yet exhilarated when the music ended, and the ghosts made way for a new band of Elves and a Dwarf. She kept looking at the dark-haired young man she had danced with. Had anyone else looked at them, they would be the perfect young couple.

"What's your name?" he asked quietly.

"Maria Allison Demun. And yours?"

"Vilnius Dragonheart," he answered graciously. "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Princess."

"And yours, Prince Dragonheart," she replied gleefully. "What would someone like you be doing in a place like this?"

"I could ask you the same thing," he replied. "But you asked first..." He paused for a moment, mulling it over. "Eh, what can I say. The Earthlings have good music. It's nice to have an escape."

"You were born here," she pointed out. "You're just as much an American and Earthling as the locals."

The Prince shook his head. "Nah. Our nation, our peoples remain underground and mostly unknown. The governments leave us alone, we leave them alone. That's how it's always been."

Maria thought back to her lessons and the things she'd learned bout Belecthorians and the Earth. In 1815, a hurricane caused by magic had not only caused a storm that tore New England apart, but saved the Belecthorians by bringing them to Earth. With help from President Madison and a few European monarchs, they were successfully hidden from the rest of the world. Only a handful of people in the world knew about them now, and they had all been forcefully assimilated or kept quiet.

Vilnius interrupted her thoughts. "And you?"

"I..." She trailed off for a moment or two before saying, "I needed a break. I deserve it."

"Most privileged children do," he agreed. "We get tired of being pampered like we can't take care of ourselves."

Maria nodded in agreement. "It's just so... infuriating. Everything's done for us, and we can never be ourselves. I didn't even come alone-- I'm not allowed to, after all."

"I snuck out," Vilnius admitted. "Next time, I recommend you do the same. The tongue-lashing you recieve will be worth it every time."

Maria smiled, inwardly laughing. "I'll try to follow your advice, then. Have a nice night, Your Highness,"

"You, too, Princess."


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43 Reviews


Points: 431
Reviews: 43

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Mon Jul 20, 2020 9:23 pm
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silverquill12 wrote a review...



Hey! Silverquill here.

At first, this seems like a nice short historical fiction piece, presumably set in the Jazz Age (one of my favorite time periods.) And it does seem to be set there, but with some surprise fantasy elements as well! Which isn't a bad thing; I love fantasy.

You do a tremendous job of capturing the overall vibe, if that makes sense. I could really feel the atmosphere of the room, and the chemistry between your two characters despite me only knowing them for a few paragraphs. I do however, have a couple suggestions, which you are always free to disregard.

First off: I feel like you need a better introduction. Going straight into the story with the handsome man and Maria felt slightly abrupt to me. Since you seem to be telling the story from Maria's perspective, I think you should introduce her first, and provide some background. When you said "the handsome young man," it sounded like I was supposed to know who that was, and I think an introduction in which Maria notices this man would be beneficial in clearing up this issue as well as livening up the piece. You could also just as easily fix it by replacing "the" with "a."

Second: I caught a few paragraphing/grammar/spelling errors I'd just thought I'd point out.

but saved the Belecthorians b bringing them to Earth.


I think that's supposed to be by.

"What's your name?" he asked quietly. "Maria Allison Demun. And yours?"


You should create a new paragraph after "he asked quietly" to show that Maria is talking.

Had anyone else looked at them, they would be the perfect young couple...


Okay, this one isn't really a mistake, but I was confused on the significance of the ellipsis at the end of the sentence.

And another thing! I find you saying "seemed" a lot in this, which is something I myself am guilty of too XD, so you're not alone. But "seem" does have its disadvantages, especially if you overuse it. Instead, try describing the action. Try to convey the "seem" through description.

(Or, you know, you could just say looked. :D)

Anyways, sorry for kinda tearing up your piece! I enjoyed it, really. It played like a little mini-movie in my head, and, like the other review, I'd totally be down for more, if you offered it.




Vilnius says...


Spoiler! :
I apologize for laughing when you said "seem" right after noting you use it a lot XD


Thank you for your critique. When I get back to my laptop, I'll be sure to revise.



Vilnius says...


Fixed!:D



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9 Reviews


Points: 53
Reviews: 9

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Mon Jul 20, 2020 2:41 pm
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NoobWriterIsHere wrote a review...



A story with a bit different from the usual setting. It's good though. The description of the Earthlings with the other tribe is quite vivid. I also like the point where nobody is interfering in others business.
The setting till now is great and interesting, but I feel it somewhat incomplete. Is there another chapter?




Vilnius says...


To be honest, I haven't decided yet! XD

I'd need a bit of time if I did write another, though.




The best and most beautiful things in the world can not be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
— Helen Keller