Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Politics

E - Everyone

His Name is Richard - One

by Vil


“I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter, so help me God.”

A pleasant shudder rippled up my spine, and I struggled not to shiver at the feeling. Senator Brown beamed at me and said, “Congratulations, son.” His thick Virginian accent was sweet enough to charm the dew off the honeysuckle. Brown chuckled, nodding to the other freshmen Senators-- one from Tennessee, one from Georgia, and one from Washington Douglas Commonwealth-- before motioning to the Senate leaders.

I stepped back and away, returning to my desk towards the back of the chamber. I was lucky this year-- Democrats had maintained our hold on the Senate since 2020, and this year was no different. We held 68 of the 102 Senate seats. We held the power in both Houses of Congress. And we would be the ones to defeat the Republicans and the pro-Trump radicals in 2036.

As I sat on the ancient wooden seat, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see the other Texas Senator, Irene Clark. “‘Lo, Justice,” I said, using her nickname from her days as a judge.

“Welcome to the house that never dies, Richie,” she chuckled dryly in reply. “This is where dreams pass away, and nightmares live on.” She tinkered with the charms that hung on on of her many bracelets, excitedly looking me up and down. Her steely brown hair was starting to gray, and wrinkles were starting to form on her forehead.

I shook my head, failing to hide my grin. "Such a depressing place, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is," Clark sighed. "Then again, I've lived through a lot of happy things, so of course this is drab and boring."

I smirked. "It's nice to see ya,."

"Nice to be here. Have you met the Senators from Alabama yet?"

"No, no I haven't," I said. "I only just got here, Justice."

"Your point? They're a couple of crazy Trump loons, you gotta laugh at them while they're still here!"

"I thought you said this place was depressing, not a nut house," I laughed, unable to stop myself from smiling. "If you want to make fun of Trump cronies, go ahead, Justice, but Senators Garland and Lafayette invited me to lunch."

Justice glared at me. "Really? You've already charmed your way into a lunch with our majority leader and his right hand man?" She sighed, shook her head, and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Young'un, if I could sing the way you do politics, I'd be more famous than Governor Swift or Madonna."

"If you could sing the way I do politics," I replied with a smirk, "we'd be having lunch together so I could get some press."

"Pfft. You're no fun."

"Nah, I'm plenty of fun," I replied, "I just have a different way of having it."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
237 Reviews


Points: 20370
Reviews: 237

Donate
Sat Oct 10, 2020 2:24 am
View Likes
starlitmind wrote a review...



OKAY HI, I'm finally here! <3 Thanks for requesting a review! I skimmed through the other reviews so I wouldn't be repetitive, but if I do repeat something, then pardon me. You've been doing a lot of writing lately, and I think that's really great! Also, for some reason I really like your title. It's simple but it feels impactful and meaningful, like it's saying "this is who I am, and I'm proud of it," (the "I" being Richard), hence why it's the title of this novel. I'd definitely take a look at this if I saw the title in a library c:

I think your opening is pretty interesting! Although it may be "boring" or "skimmable" to some readers, it kind of sets the stage for what this is going to be about. Also, the reader knows exactly what is going on so they can follow along

A pleasant shudder rippled up my spine, and I struggled not to shiver at the feeling. Senator Brown beamed at me and said, “Congratulations, son.” His thick Virginian accent was sweet enough to charm the dew off the honeysuckle.


Okay so I have a few thoughts on these sentences, and I'd love to share them!

I like the of a shudder "rippling" up your spine. I also love your simile at the end! It's unique and descriptive, but not overwhelming. I was thinking about switching "the honeysuckle" to just "honeysuckle," so basically removing "the," but that's completely up to you; that's just my personal opinion.

This is just another opinion of mine, but I would replace "said" in "beamed at me and said" with something stronger. Since this is your opening dialogue, I feel that I need something more impactful. Especially since the senator is congratulating someone for a huge accomplishment. I'm not saying that "said" isn't a good word to use like people think; I just don't think it fits here, if that makes sense. But hey, these are just some opinions of mine :)

I turned to see the other Texas Senator, Irene Clark.


Do you need to capitalize "senator" here, since you don't have it with a name? I'm not quite sure, so I thought I'd point it out

Her steely brown hair was starting to gray, and wrinkles were starting to form on her forehead.


I'M BEING SO NITPICKY BUT THIS IS ALREADY A GREAT PIECE SO I HAVE TO BE XD

Perhaps you could vary this instead of having the repetition? Just a thought!

I smirked. "It's nice to see ya,."


Just a typo at the end of the quote :)

"Young'un, if I could sing the way you do politics, I'd be more famous than Governor Swift or Madonna."


I love this haha cx

"Nah, I'm plenty of fun," I replied, "I just have a different way of having it."


This feels like foreshadowing :O

OKAY so I think this was a pretty neat opening! I like how it's informative with all of the politic stuff and whatnot, but it's also a little vague (if that's the right word), so the reader isn't exactly sure what is going on and will want to read on. I'm not surprised this was well written; I've learned from your other work that you're an amazing writer and political world builder!

I hope this helped! :D




Vil says...


Thanks for the feedback! <3

Yes, revisions are needed... I need to expand my vocab next year, shake things up a bit...

I'm glad the singing part was funny. I mentione dit because there's a rumor that Taylor Swift might run for governor, and the only reason I support that is because she's the only Dem with a chance to win here, and anyone is better than Bill Lee.

Yes, foreshadowing, I love using that technique.



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 175
Reviews: 25

Donate
Wed Oct 07, 2020 1:55 am
View Likes
Stringbean wrote a review...



Hey, Vil!

I really love this as an opening chapter! The thing that stands out to me most is that the characters and their interactions here are so natural and vivid. I love it! There's just one thing as far as that goes that you should probably go back and check, and that is that Justice and Richard use each other's names a lot during this conversation, enough that it's very noticeable. But otherwise, it's great! I really like the tone and Richard's flippant, relaxed, joking manner. His character comes across very strong.

And actually, I get glimpses at more than one side of him in this short piece. There's his joking side like I already mentioned, evidence of his more serious, hardworking, forward moving element that drives him to success (I get that from how Justice talks about him and from his self confidence), and-- and I love how subtle this is-- in the very beginning when he first comes in as the narrator with, "A pleasant shudder rippled up my spine, and I struggle not to shiver at the feeling," I can really feel his rich, deep-felt enthusiasm about this without consciously realizing that's what it is. It's more than just excitement-- this definitely gives the sense that this is something hugely important to him, that he's worked for and is part of some larger idea or goal that he strives for. Your word choice here ("rippled up my spine") is visceral and takes an old cliché and revives it-- always a good thing.

Also worth noting, I think you've got just the right balance of personal story and political foundation going here. I imagine that the politics may become more prevalent later on, but for a first chapter, this is great for helping me to get to know a couple characters and not get hopelessly lost in the politics aha XD

Looks like there's a typo in there, towards the bottom-- "'I thought was thought this place was depressing,' I laughed."

So overall, this is a good, strong start. I think if you can keep up (or work out later in revisions) this strong characterization, balance of plot and character focus, and steady, easy pacing, this'll really turn out to be fun. Nice job (but don't let it pressure you going forward, yeah? (; )

~Stringbean <3




Vil says...


Thanks for the review! <3

Yeah, some typos I missed ;-;



Vil says...


Revised and added some details :P



User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 4166
Reviews: 38

Donate
Tue Oct 06, 2020 10:11 pm
View Likes
SilverNight wrote a review...



Hey there! Just here to take a look and comment a bit on this, as I knew you were in the process of writing this.

“I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter, so help me God.”


As a hook, it's not the most captivating one, but it does set the scene and let us know what's happening before you even get to describing it, which is certainly a benefit. I can see why you chose to open with this instead of something else.

A pleasant shudder rippled up my spine, and I struggle not to shiver at the feeling.


You wrote the rest of this in past tense, but here you wrote "struggle" and not "struggled". I'd change it so it's consistent!

Here's another thing that isn't too important, but I noticed that even when using nicknames, you often don't say it in every other sentence when you're addressing them, or else it feels like name-dropping. I say this because I feel like I'm seeing Justice a lot, and unless there's a good reason, you usually don't use someone's name that often in a discussion or conversation when they are the one you're talking to. You might have a reason that I don't know about, but here it just feels slightly overused. Of course, if you want to mention her nickname a lot, that's up to you.

I look forward to reading more!

- Shadow




Vil says...


Thanks for the review! <3



User avatar
856 Reviews


Points: 56940
Reviews: 856

Donate
Tue Oct 06, 2020 7:23 pm
View Likes
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Well you've posted three things so I thought I'd pop over here and give a review to one of them!

This is very short but sweet... I'm guessing the fact that you've labelled this 'One' suggests you're going to post more chapters? It's hard to get a full impression from something so short but I think you've a good job of getting me introduced to the characters and interested by the plot so good job there!

I was lucky this year-- Democrats had maintained our hold on the Senate since 2020, and this year was no different.

Wow, that's optimistic xD

And we would be the ones to defeat the Republicans and the pro-Trump radicals in 2036.

There are still pro-Trump radicals in 2036? Oh man....

He chuckles, nodding to the other freshmen Senators-- one from Tennessee, one from Georgia, and one from Washington Douglas Commonwealth-- before motioning to the Senate leaders.

should be 'chuckled' rather than chuckles :)

“Welcome to the house that never dies, Richie,” she chuckled in reply. “This is where dreams go to die, and nightmares live on.”

This was a bit of an odd statement, I think due to duplication of the word die/dies. The house never dies but dreams go to die? It just read a bit funny!

That's all from me - I already like Richie's character!

Interested to see where you go from this xD

Icy




Vil says...


Oh dear

I posted the wrong one

Goshdarnit

This was the completed first half

*sigh*

Thanks for the review XD



IcyFlame says...


Oh dear, you went mad with points!



IcyFlame says...


Oh dear, you went mad with points!



Vil says...


Yes, yes I did XD



Vil says...


There XD




The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star