Young Writers Society

Omg vil this had me crying. This was super emotional for me. Also I love the name River. That was going to be my name is I was a boy. I love how they figured out a way to give the dad and heir. The way he didn’t invite his own family to the wedding was a little cruel. On the other hand, I love how you put that authors note in there. Can you maybe go review my short story I wrote. It is called “The Pixies Spectacular Adventure” This story is so emotional and it is like it is happening in real life. I love how you painted a picture with your words, “The dim light of the electric fireplace made their skin seem to tan, flicker and burn as the flames moved.” And, “Standing, I moved towards the neatly-arranged bookshelves, reaching for a small box-- my mother's jewelry box.” Please if you do review my work give me some tips on what I can do to make it better. Also I am working on a story it is called “The Day The World Was Set On Fire.” I need some inspiration though because I have been working on it for a few months. I am sorry if this review is all over the place. This is only the second review I have ever written. I am bad at writing reviews also. Well I hope you like this review event though it is all over the place. Bye 😊

Hi there Vil! I'm back to leave you with another review today (this is my last review to get my maroon username, you should feel honored). Let's dive into it!

Overall, I liked the honest dialogue and politics behind this story. It definitely showcased some of your strengths as a writer, and it was clear that you put a good amount of thought into the backstories and motivations of each of the characters. It also had a touch of eccentricity, which doesn't surprise me considering your writing style and some of your other projects. It was, on the whole, a well-written story that appropriately twisted emotions.

Something that surprised me was, considering how generally open-minded the family's views are, nobody acknowledged what, to me, is the obvious solution: adopt a child and have him take the name of River's family. I had a hard time emphasizing with the father's position, especially since heirs don't have particular relevance in today's culture. It seemed like nobody was willing to make compromises or see outside-of-the-box, which is particularly interesting considering River's father seems to be relatively progressive, considering his support of the LGBTQ+ community. While I feel kind of weird suggesting this, I wonder if your story would work better and have less apparent contradictions if River's father was a flat-out homophobe.

Second, I was anticipating this story to be written from the perspective of the son, rather than the father. While I don't have any issues with how you decided to take it, I will note that I had to re-read the first part of the story to make sure I was following it. Because you approach it somewhat unconventionally, it wouldn't hurt to make the perspective a little bit clearer in the beginning of the story just to prevent that potential confusion down the road for the reader.

Overall, this was a well-written story that highlighted some of your familiar strengths in writing -- like politics, dialogue, and well-developed characters. Some areas for improvement are to consider the potential plot hole that none of the characters considered adoption or other ways to start a family and maintain the family name, and to clarify your perspective to prevent confusion. If you have any questions or concerns about this review, please feel free to reach out. I'll see you around!

Best,
Tuck

Hey Vil!

I applaud your decision of creating this story from the POV of the father. I was expecting the son's POV when I first read the description, which follows the framework of most LGBTQ+ family dramas these days, where the ostracized victim in the story is the one who identifies as queer. But you focused on the father instead, which I think is insightful and effective! Of course, it's still easy to sympathize with River, but it's also a lot easier to sympathize with the other side, especially when Richard is so calm about it and the son is not.

Despite his old-fashioned stubbornness about wanting an heir, it's refreshing to see a father character who has progressive views about gay rights. He's disheartened to learn that his son is marrying a man, but not for the reasons I'd normally immediately expect.

My main critique about this story is the parents' reaction. It feels unrealistic. To some extent, that could be the point. I was expecting a different story, one where the parents freak out and the son feels trapped and misunderstood, and you delivered something else. Nevertheless, the transition between the father's excited thoughts about his son's marriage to his immediate quietness and calmness about his son's words felt awkward and unrealistic to me. As the sisters are leaving, I was expecting the father's mind to be reeling as he grappled with the new information. Although they are present in other parts of the story, his inner thoughts are missing from this critical point. Maybe the father already had a feeling that his son was gay. Maybe a while ago River had told him he was bi. If either of those things were true (and were expressed through the father's thoughts), I would find his reaction much more believable.

Because the father is remarkably calm, I'm also thinking he might be an unreliable narrator. Maybe as he's looking back and retelling this moment (when his son first revealed his sexuality to him), he naturally describes himself in a very favorable way. He may have felt some inner turmoil but believed he kept it under cover well.

You're clearly very good at writing dialogue and at understanding the crossroads where family issues and political issues meet. Aside from what I already discussed, this conversation feels like something I could witness in a real-life family room. Great job!

Hi Vil!

This story highlights one of the stigmas present in the society when it comes to same sex marriage. The pressure from the family and society that is put on such people. Parents always look forward towards having their grandchildren and with this expectation, when the time comes they do put pressure on their own married children. Your story also reflected the stereotype associated with considering a boy as the only actual heir of the family. Like River mentioned before, his Dad that already had grandchildren from his daughters but still he wanted an Heir from his son to carry on the family name.
Though I must say his dad and mom accepted his son's sexuality very calmly as opposed to what many parents actually do, who overreact and are not supportive of the LGBT community. But putting demand of surrogacy like this isn't appreciable unless both the concerned partners mutually agree for it.

Maybelline hardened her eyes and motioned for them to leave. The each obeyed, albeit Margaret lingered for a moment or two.

"You're both crazy!" River hissed at us. Maybelline moved to my side, nervously glancing between us. "You'd stop me from getting married-- for that?"

Hey Vil!

I think this piece showcases your writing style well. You've got the heirloom, the concern over bloodlines, a touch of politics, a focus on family members working through tensions-- all themes that anyone who's read much of your writing can easily associate with you. You've blended them nicely here, none of them overwhelming the story or seeming unbelievable to me.

There's not a lot of setting here, though I don't think you really need it. They're out home, likely in a study or something since there's the mention of bookshelves, but also a table. The setting itself isn't all that important, but I would like there to be just a touch more for clarity and fluidity. In particular, at the very beginning, you mention three daughters and a son, but until going on further, I have no frame of reference to make a guess at their ages, so saying there's three daughters and a son doesn't tell me a whole lot. Besides that, I think the only thing in this regard would be to mention what sort of room they're in-- that's just because I was picturing something like a kitchen until bookshelves were thrown in, and then that disrupted my focus on the story itself for a moment while I reoriented myself.

The conflict here takes shape quickly, and unfolds more intricately as the conversation continues. The conversation too, I'll note here, feels natural and believable-- definitely one of your general strong suits. By the end of the story, the conflict obviously isn't resolved, but the story still feels complete I'd say, because the father and son (and the wife, as a more side character) have made a clear shift in their relationship and it seems pretty clear how this is going to be in the future. I don't think the ultimate outcome of the son getting the ring or not matters so much to the story, because whether he does or doesn't, the shift has happened and getting the ring or not isn't likely to alter it much. In other words, the arc is there, whether the story ends happily or not. For a single scene and a story this short, I view that as a pretty clever accomplishment.

And just as a side note, while you know I love seeing all your Belecthorian-based stories and stuff, it's refreshing too to see something unrelated to your usual. I think it's always good to try branching out every now and then, which you have. So that's just something that makes this kind of cool.

-Stringbean