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The uncrossable bridge

by Unfunnyguy1998


You say it in a slightly hushed tone but it sounds like thunder every time I hear it. Such a good friend.

My heart yearns for the day that I can bridge the gap between my heart and yours so that we can beat to the same rhythm and sync both body and soul. But you are forever locked in the shackles of another’s embrace.

My heart bleeds at the pictures but I lose more and more of myself in every breath. Nothing can stop the deterioration of my heart as I am further pulled into the trap that is the one sided love.


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Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:14 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



LittleLee's here for a review! Look, I have never reviewed your work, so forgive me if I sound too critical. I will start with the negatives of this poem, and end it with the positive parts.

The first stanza just is not how a really good poem should start. It does not sound poetic, frankly speaking.
And how is s/he a good friend if they speak like thunder? I mean, doesn't that imply that they shout a lot?
The whole poem isn't like a poem at all, because there are not enough commas and the whole thing is written like a story!
What pictures? To create imagery, you need a good back ground, don't you? Elaborate.
The last line : it should be "the trap that is one-sided love". What have I done? I removed a "the" and added -. Got it?
Like @DemonGoddess said, seperate the lines, and you're there!
Anyways, the poem is very moving, and many of the readers can probably relate to this. That's all I have to say!
Can I have your blood?




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Sun Oct 29, 2017 1:07 pm
Mathy wrote a review...



This is ZeldaIsShiek here, ready to review another amazing poem that I should review quickly in order to improve your writing, and lead our team to ultimate victory! Let's get started on this one.

The reason I like this poem so much is because of the imagery contained within the title and the poem itself. The "Uncrossable Bridge" the poet speaks of is the bridge between hearts that is created when a true partnership is formed. This is something truly amazing, and it's the only thing that is keeping this poem together like glue. That's why it's good, even though it's short and does not rhyme. The whole poem seems to be centered around a one-sided relationship that the poet is trying to bring back and balance out. However, this does not seem to be working, as she claims she is being "pulled into the trap that is the one sided love." This is something that I personally an not relate with because I don't date, but that doesn't mean it's not a very valid concern and a great subject for a poem at that! I really appreciate that you wrote this and the meaning that is behind it, the meaning that some relationships are better left than fixed.

That's all for now. Have a happy Review Day, and make sure to keep reviewing and writing! ZeldaIsShiek- Out!




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Wed Oct 25, 2017 12:24 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Unfunnyguy1998! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
You say it in a slightly hushed tone but it sounds like thunder every time I hear it.
Such a good friend. {Separate these lines.}

My heart yearns for the day that I can bridge the gap between my heart and yours so that
we can beat to the same rhythm and sync both body and soul.
But you are forever locked in the shackles of another’s embrace. {Separate these lines, because the one line was too long}

My heart bleeds at the pictures but I lose more and more of myself in every breath.
Nothing can stop the deterioration of my heart as I am further pulled into the trap
that is the one{-}sided love. {Separate these lines as well}


Overall, the imagery and everything is pretty good, but you need to separate lines. Otherwise, you're good! Grammar is fantastic and everything else is clear, so keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Wed Oct 25, 2017 12:12 pm
DeerInBacPac wrote a review...



Hello, E.E here for a possibly quick review and maybe some utter nonsense! Grim is here as well, drinking hot cocoa and being a slacker. *Grim looks over, glaring* So, lets get started. :smt020

So, first thing I notice when reading the poem is that a few places might sound more...urgent if you were to put a comma. The few lines were "You say it in a slightly hushed tone ", "My heart yearns for the day that I can bridge the gap between my heart and yours" and "My heart bleeds at the pictures". Otherwise, I noticed no other grammar or spelling mistakes.

Now is when I dissect your poem and see if I can't get its meaning right! So, in your poem you are telling us, the reader, that you love someone, you really really do. But they don't truly love you back. It pains you so much because you just want to experince things with them, love them but they are just cold. It hurts you so much but you can't leave them because you love them, you care for them too much.

Otherwise, I loved the poem and keep up the good work! Happy Halloween! I need to go now, Grim has some more dead to reap and I ran out of cocoa for him. Cheerios and fruit loops to you!





I want to see people turn and writhe; make them feel things they cannot see and sometimes do not know.
— Anna Held