Young Writers Society

Hiya UncleQrow,

Shady here with a quick review for your short poem!

Rubies are red

I like how you mixed this up from the traditional "roses are red" poem bit that we get so much! It's enough like the traditional start of the poem to be recognizable, but it's refreshing to get a "rubies" rather than "roses" since it gives a different mental image.

Violet's the color of Yang's eyes

I... don't love this line quite so much. It feels so clunky after the super short first line that we have. Maybe work to re-word it a bit so you can have more of a smooth flow without needing to have a contraction and a possessive all in a single line of this poem?

My cape's also red

I'm assuming? this is something to do with the original series that I don't understand since I'm not part of the fandom. But it is a pretty unsatisfying end to the poem, from an outsider's perspective. You go from professing love to all of a sudden having a line about the cape. Maybe if you re-structured this poem a bit it would work better?

Like maybe rubies are red, my cape's also red -- or something? So that those things seem to go more together and make more sense, rather than capping it again at the end?

Overall, I did like this poem, though! It's short, sweet, and to the point! I think you had a cool idea with it, and you could make it even better if you ever came back to revise it!

Keep writing and Happy RevMo!

~Shady

Hiya there, UncleQrow!

This is Moonwatcher here with a review! Is it bad that I stopped watching RWBY after Volume 1?

First things first, this review will most likely be short, due to the shortness of the poem, and the fact that very much of the poem was covered by the previous reviewer. I do see that this is a comedic poem (sort of, although it's marked under romance) so I'll take things a little bit more lightly.

Rubies are red

This is pretty cliche, and generic. We already know that rubies are red, but what else about the rubies? What are you trying to tell us about the rubies that the reader already doesn't know?

Violet's the color of Yang's eyes

To be honest, I always thought Yang's eyes were yellow. I very much agree that this is the part where the understanding of this poem now relies on the reader's previous knowledge of RWBY. Making sure that the reader is informed is key in not only fiction, but fan fiction, as well. The reader might not know why Yang's eyes are yellow. Or who Yang even is?

I love you so much Winter

Alright, this is an Ode to Winter after all, but again, this is very generic. "Love" isn't really such a strong word anymore because it's so done to death. Another issue here is that the reader still doesn't know who Winter is, which is a part of my previous point. Even fan fiction should be relatable, both to those with prior knowledge of RWBY and to those who do not have prior knowledge of the show.

My cape's also red

Well, we don't have any knowledge about the narrator. First thing that comes to mind to me is Ruby herself, but this is from the perspective of Uncle Qrow, whom I don't have knowledge of, I don't believe. [Insert thing previously said about fan fiction here].

I'm sure that most of the things I have pointed out were intentional and meant to be there for comedic purposes, but nonetheless, the poem could use improvement. I hope I helped you out, and have a great day! ^-^

Hey, UncleQrow.

So. Er. The first vibe I get from this poem is not of romantic, but of... comedy. it is just that the structure and the limited vocabulary contributes to me thinking like that. Let us see what can be fixed here.

Rubies are red

As we know there are. There are two issues with this line. First, it is a variety of lines that are cliche. It is overused, and need to be represented in a fresh way. Second, I can almost predict what would ensue after it. When reading it aloud, I am reminded by a nursery rhyme surrounding the colours of red and blue, and how at the end the persona confesses their love to whomever receives the poem.

Violet's the color of Yang's eyes

Here we reach a territory that is only familiar by those who know it. It is called fanfiction. I do not know why Yang has violet eyes. Since I have not read or watch the fiction this fanfiction is based on, I cannot understand the context. This is, ultimately, bad. When you write a poem, even a fanfiction one, you have to make sure that the theme is general and can be relatable to everyone. You are talking about an ode to the person you love. Well, readers should understand that is the case here. Right now, I am thinking Yang should be either black or white because of the ying yang thingy.

I love you so much Winter

So, Yang is Winter? Is that it? Because if it is, then the information is unneeded. You need to make sure that the message of the poem is poignant, able to be felt by others. This information would not help with that. Instead of saying this person is also known by this name, elaborate more on why this person is loved by the persona. Is it because her voice is as melodious as a siren? Or is it because the warmth the persona feels when she is around? What are the winning qualities inhabited by Winter that makes the persona falls in love with her? This kind of questions can help you to make us understand the persona's love to Winter.

The last line is disconnected from the rest, and actually does not seem to make sense to me. Are you trying to follow the blue and red nursery rhyme? If so, I can see what you are doing here. His red cape to her violet eyes. Violet is a fancy blue colour, so instead of matching it with a simple red, match it with equally-exotic-sounding red colour. Scarlet, perhaps. And you need to make the connection clearer.

And that is all! Keep improving!