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My clarity (acrostic)

by Traves


Loud memories dead and half made, playing around in my head

insidiously stamp out my hard fought silence.

First- aid? I can only breathe in and out to patch my cracked peace, yet

every time it ends up being this blur.


It is only when I slow down the murky moments that

seconds of clarity are bestowed upon me by myself.


Silence hard won lets my eyes stray over and around

until they come to rest on the bandages wrapping my hands,

fiddling around with my wounds punches me with some more clarity.

Finest and darkest moments of a person’s life are re-played,

earnestly they come on his death-bed granting escape

rightly earned then, but not a damn moment before!

It is not time for you yet, pulsing parts of me remind since I

needed only those few sharp moments anyway to

grin and bear it, and walk off before my blood can pool.


______________________________________________________________________________
Note - Read the first letter of every line. (It's called an acrostic, a neat idea I got from StoryBraniac's poem Heartbreak)


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Thu Oct 11, 2018 12:54 pm
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GreyMatter says...



Thanks for the note at the end. I have written an acrostic poem earlier but didn't know it was actually a thing.




Traves says...


Link?



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Thu Oct 11, 2018 11:42 am
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Storybraniac says...



This is amazing.




Traves says...


Thanks!



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Wed Oct 10, 2018 5:10 am
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niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Traves! Niteowl here to review.

In general, I think acrostics are a unique challenge because you want to make sure the poem itself is solid even when you have a letter pattern. It's probably more difficult when you have a whole sentence like this.

Loud memories dead and half made, playing around in my head

insidiously stamp out my hard fought silence.

First- aid in there is slowly breathing in and out, yet

every time it ends up being this blur.


The first line is gorgeous. The second line is okay, but "insidiously" is a little clunky. The transition to "First-aid" makes little sense, which in turn makes the fourth line unclear. What's breathing? What is this blur? I think it's that you're trying to give first-aid to the silence/peace in your head as it dies from the loud memories, but I'm not quite sure. Maybe you can use the transition from the second to the third lines to make this part clearer.

It is only when I slow down the murky moments that

seconds of clarity are bestowed upon me by myself.


So "bestowed upon me by myself" makes sense grammatically, but it still feels awkward to read. Maybe it's the passive voice that is making this phrase unclear. You could write the same idea as

I slow down murky moments, finding
seconds of clarity.

Granted, this is a little sparse, but I think an active voice would make this part feel less awkward.

Silence hard won lets my eyes stray over and around

until they come to rest on the bandages wrapping my hands,

fidgeting around with which punches me with some more clarity.


The first line here has a weird image of straying eyes. The bandages on the hands are interesting, as up until this point I felt like the speaker only had mental pain. The third line here is weird and, ironically enough, unclear. The silence is punching you with clarity because you saw bandages on your hands? I don't have any suggestions for this line, but I would rework it so you don't totally lose the reader.

Finest and darkest moments of a person’s life are re-played,

earnestly they come on his death-bed granting escape

rightly earned then, but not a damn moment before!


I'm not sure how I feel about the sudden shift to third person. I think this would be more powerful if you stayed in first person. I also think "Finest and darkest moments" makes for an awkward start to the sentence, so maybe you could lead up to it in the previous line, like "I replay the/finest and darkest moments in my life...". Otherwise, I really like the idea of this, like the memories are holding the speaker hostage and keeping him from dying.

It is not time for me yet, pulsing parts of me remind since I

needed only those few sharp moments anyway to

grin and bear it, and walk off before my blood can pool.


"pulsing parts of me remind" is awkward. Maybe something like "my pulse reminds me"?

Overall, this poem has an interesting message that works nicely with the acrostic phrase. The speaker starts out in mental pain, fighting for peace and clarity in the din of old memories. In the third stanza, he feels physical pain as well and nearly surrenders to death, seeing his life flash before his eyes. However, in the end he accepts that it is not his time and he must live through the pain, whether he likes it or not.

I wonder if some of the awkward wording of this acrostic is due to the uniform line lengths and only ending sentences at the ends of lines. Some weird enjambment can actually make your transitions smoother in an acrostic poem.

work/niteowl/Extraction-103190-This is an acrostic I did a while back, though I didn't advertise it as such and got a lot of critiques about my line breaks haha. Anyway, I don't think this acrostic would have worked without ending a couple sentences in the middle of the line.

Great poem and as always, keep writing! :D




Traves says...


Thanks for the review @niteowl ! I was making some changes just as you were writing this review and so could you please go through it again when you have ime and tell me if it's any better?



Traves says...


that link to your acrostic is not working ...
and your portfolio is huge!
where do I look for it ?



niteowl says...


Extraction

Okay see if that works. Yeah that%u2019s what happens when you%u2019ve been on here for 14 years haha. I might need to reorganize it. And I%u2019ll take a look at your revisions tomorrow! :)



niteowl says...


Okay so I think the first stanza is much better. The second one is still awkward. "punches me with clarity" still feels weird to me, but that line is much clearer. The italicized part is a nice touch. "pulsing parts of me remind" is still kind of weird grammatically. Overall, I like the revisions. :)



Traves says...


Oh ok. thanks! I will try to re-word the second stanza when I find a better way to write it.

14 years is a long time for sure! Hope you stay for a lot more!



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Tue Oct 09, 2018 11:12 pm
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mavisknightley wrote a review...



I love this concept, @Traves. You convey this so well. Your tone is conversational, which makes your structure a bit easier to read. Interesting imagery...

Onto the review!




'Loud memories dead and half made, playing around in my head

insidiously stamp out my hard fought silence.
***I like this. What are you silent about?

First- Aid in there is slowly breathing in and out yet
***Perhaps make this "First aid" or "First-aid". The capital A and space after hyphen threw me off a little.

every time it ends up being this blur.

It is only when I slow down the murky moments that

seconds of clarity are bestowed to me by myself.
***This felt a little bit awkward. "Bestowed to me by myself." Reword?

Silence hard won lets my eyes stray over and around

until they come to rest on the bandages on my hands,
***"On the bandages on my hands" reads a little awkwardly, because of the double use of 'on'.

fidgeting around with which punches me with some more clarity.

Finest and darkest moments of a person’s life are re-played,

earnestly they come on his death-bed granting escape
***Love this

rightly earned then, but not a damn moment before!

It is not time for me yet, pulsing parts of me remind since I

needed only those few sharp moments anyway to

grin and bear it, and walk off before my blood can pool.
***Love this too....


Overall, I thought this was great work! If I can answer any questions, feel free to drop me a PM.

Write On,
Mav



Mavis Knightley
http://www.mavisknightley.com




Traves says...


this is a good review @mavisknightley , thanks!
I have made some changes based on your review, but could you be a little clearer on why certain word choices of mine felt awkward and needed re-wording?
Like the "bestowed on me by myself?"
thanks again!





I can try to shed some light, absolutely...

"Bestowed on me by myself" sounds aurally clunky. It doesn't read or roll off the tongue with as much grace as you show yourself capable of. Hunt around for some synonyms and play with it, perhaps.

Hope this helps! :)

-Mav



Traves says...


Alright. that makes sense. I'll edit it if I can come up with something better.




Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
— Kyle Chandler