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E - Everyone


by ToxicAnglerFish

Ghost, oh Ghost

Whatever happened to you

What did you do

That was so wrong of you

To where you must be imprisoned on the hell known as Earth

Did you murder a fellow

Or maybe you committed self-death

It is a wonder really

Why you still wander when Earth's purpose for you is now over

Oh I wonder

Will we all become ghosts like you too

What will we do

Kinda want to become a ghost too

So you aren't so lonely and sad

Let's be sad together

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362 Reviews

Points: 15642
Reviews: 362

Sun Jun 30, 2019 12:04 am
zaminami wrote a review...

Hello, ToxicAnglerFish! Welcome to YWS! What should I call you, I must ask? You could have a variety of nicknames, haha. Keep in mind that you do not have to take any of my advice into consideration and that these are all suggestions, okay? Also, I tend to be blunt and awkward, so I'm sorry in advance.

Your punctuation regarding commas is a little... strange. You put one comma in the first line and wherever you needed another comma you just left it? It's a bit confusing. I recommend reading your poem out loud and seeing where you naturally stop and put a comma, semicolon, or a period there - whichever you see fit - to make it flow better. You don't have to necessarily use commas, but the first comma implies that you are willing to use them in your work, along with other punctuation. This would also help with any awkwardness, which I won't comment on because I'm sure that other people would comment on any awkwardness that is present.

"self-death". You mean suicide? Why did you choose that specific word there, which interrupts the flow? If you're meaning not to trigger someone, you can always put a "16+" warning for mature content, though the word "suicide" doesn't generally trigger people. Sometimes it does, sure, but I have yet to meet a person where just the word triggers them.

A few specifics about grammar that you might miss, even if you read it out loud:

- the second "ghost" in the first line shouldn't be capitalized, if you're going for grammatically correct
- "Kinda want to become a ghost too" needs an "I" before "kinda" to make it flow better
- the fifth line is awkward because you used the wrong W-word. Instead of "to where you must be", you should have "why must you" for better flow.
- pretty sure "hell" should be capitalized if you're capitalizing "Earth".

Okay, so are you sure that the ghost is sad? It could be a Beetlejuice type scenario where the ghosts are happy that they are ghosts. To be a ghost doesn't mean that you have to be sad! I would personally be happy to be a ghost! I could scare my sister all that I want, heheh. >:)

That's all I have for today! Keep improving and keep writing! Auf Wiedersehen!


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106 Reviews

Points: 10793
Reviews: 106

Thu Jun 27, 2019 11:48 am
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silvermoon17 wrote a review...

What I love about this poem, is how we are at the same time empathetic, and self-pitying. You talk only about yourself and this ghost, (which I guess is an extended metaphor for something/someone else) and yet we feel so badly connected to you. That last sentence is really like- yes, let’s all be sad together. It’s like some sort of anthem every reader of your poem will take up. Your ghost, the extended metaphor, has a deafening silence which shows his sadness. Instead of giving him some line where he’ll look either silly or too hopeful to stick with the tone- you give him nothing. No description. No dialogue. No feautures. No backstory. No nothing. This is truly a ghost. We all get this image of a ghost, because you leave so much space for us to escape in our own interpretation. I won’t tell you to add description, because this lack of description makes us feel as if you’re directly speaking to us. As if you’re describing this someone in our life this poem fits so well. This ghost, in a way, has multiple faces. And with each passing day, we may come to see someone different in this poem. The poem might seem sad for people who see this ghost as someone they stick sad memories onto, and another day this person might bring us hope, and this poem shows the beauty of friendship. Your poem has the strict minimum to make us escape and interpret- and even though it’s almost as if we are the one filling all these blank spaces you left for us,- I absolutely love the style. Definitely keep on writing.

Thank you so much for your interpretation and the detailed review! I really love you see my poems!

We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.
— Mark Twain