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Apathy-Poem

by ToxicAnglerFish


Emotions are what makes humans.

Its what makes you cry saddened tears

Makes you joyfully laugh

Makes you have great anger

But, some emotions

Consist of only apathy and disinterest

Mostly Apathy

So if someone apathetic to the world around me

Can they be called a human?

Or is apathy an emotion also?

How do we define emotion?


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Sun Sep 01, 2019 6:49 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hi ToxicAnglerFish - I'm here to Review your poem for RevMo, so let's get started.

Grammar/Flow
There were a few parts that weren't conventional grammatically that I wanted to point out.

Line one sounds a bit funky with "emotion" plural and then "makes" -> it should be "emotions are what make humans" or "emotion is what makes humans" and it should maybe be followed with another line of what it "makes human" for clarity.

Line two "Its" should be "It's"

& then in line 7 "Mostly Apathy" should be "Mostly apathy" to be consistent with where you lower-case apathy later in the poem.

No need for a comma after "But" in line 5.

Overall a second glance before posting and maybe reading the piece aloud will greatly improve the flow and clarity, so that readers can get to the meaning of the piece.

Meaning
This poem was fairly straight-forward in fact almost too straight forward because it didn't attempt to paint a scene with imagery or engage imagination with metaphor but was more like a philosophical treatise on emotion - it just made statements and questions without much embellishment.

I took the poem to mean that the speaker things that emotions are key to what gives people their humanity and then goes out to say that apathy is possibly also an emotion that people have, and the speaker doesn't ever give a conclusion on whether apathy is or isn't an emotion.

I have to say, I found it to be a bizarre premise for a poem. "Apathy" can sometimes be a synonym for lack of emotion. So this poem was like saying "Being cold is what makes ice really ice, but sometimes ice is warm, so is melted ice really ice?" it sets off to be deep and philosophical, but provides no argument for the questions it asks either for or against so ends up sounding a bit like nonsense.

Suggestions
If you want to keep going with this poem's premise I think it really needs some more meat - and substance.

1) In order to make readers interested in the question your poem is asking, the question must be clear and made personally meaningful.

2) In order to engage reader's attention in exploration of the question I believe this poem would benefit from more poetic elements like imagery or metaphor, for a poem about emotion this poem was almost completely devoid of it. I think giving an example of an apathetic response within the poem - or painting a picture that would draw out some emotion from the reader would give it a greater impact.

I hope you keep writing, because it does appear that you are trying some interesting things here, and the best thing you have going is originality - I've never read a poem on this topic, nor thought of whether apathy is truly an emotion or just the absence of emotion. Keep being creative, but also don't sacrifice the basics of poetry to be unique.

Good luck in editing.

Happy RevMo,

~alliyah

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Sat Aug 31, 2019 4:04 am
brookeallo wrote a review...



Hey I am going to leave a review. I thought your poem was different and a little confusing. I liked where you were going with it but I think in some sentences you might have been using like verbs as adjectives or nouns as verbs so some thing were a little confusing. I think maybe you tried to make it seem really out there and like strong writing but it actually ended up making to hard to understand at some places. I did however like some of the word choices and how you asked questions to make it fee more raw and real. I do hope to review more poems from you soon thanks for writing!




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Wed Aug 28, 2019 1:33 am
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there ToxicAnglerFish! Tuck stopping by for a quick review. Let's get right into it, shall we?

Poetry's not my forte, but I'll definitely do my best to at least tell you what I thought of it and the emotions it provoked in me. I'm gonna start with some more nitpicky, minor details and then jump into some more heavy stuff.

Emotions are what makes humans.
If you're trying to say that emotions are what humanize us and set us apart from animals, I would say "emotions are what make us human". Saying "emotions are what make humans" suggests that emotions compose humans, which is true, but slightly misleading since other things—namely, the physical body—compose the physical body, and it may not be what you're trying to say.

So if someone apathetic to the world around me

Can they be called a human?
These pronouns are inconsistent. I assume you mean "if someone is apathetic to the world around them", since that's more grammatically consistent.

I also think your poem's ending would be more effective if you took away the last line. That's somewhat of a personal opinion, but at first readthrough the line "or is apathy an emotion also?" was a good ending because it leaves the reader with something to think about and has a deep impact. "How do we define emotion" feels like it was added on as an afterthought, kind of tacked in place even though it doesn't add anything to the poem, and detracts from the punch of the second to last line.

My biggest critique of this poem is the lack of rhythm and flow. The divisions of the lines felt kind of random, which is not a good look on a poem. Reading it aloud, it didn't seem to have a natural flow. The biggest disruption to the flow was the two really long lines that seemed completely out of place. How you remedy that depends on what your goal for the poem is and what parts are most important to you. I just wanted to point out that oversight and advise that you edit it, or at least keep this in mind when you write future poems.

As a final thought, I think that the lines 2-4 could be improved with some minor tweaks. I'll show you what you have and then how I would change it, but I don't want you to feel pressured into making stylistic changes based on my opinions. I only include this so that you can see my perspective on it in the hopes that it'll be helpful for you. Without further ado:

Its what makes you cry saddened tears

Makes you joyfully laugh

Makes you have great anger


It's what makes you cry tears of grief

Makes you laugh with joy

Makes you experience deep rage


I messed with the format a little bit and replaced some of the words with some stronger adjectives to evoke a deeper emotional response in the reader. Again, only incorporate those changes if you want to; I just wanted to provide you another perspective.

Hopefully this review was helpful, and if you have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to contact me, and I'll do my best to help you! Have an awesome night!

All my best,
Tuck




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Tue Aug 27, 2019 4:48 pm
averyismediocre wrote a review...



This is less a review and more of an answer to your question from a personal view because I find this topic interesting. So I think, in this case, our emotions don't define who we are or what we are, therefore, the lack of them doesn't either. Like emotion doesn't define our being, it defines who we are as a person. So if someone mostly is filled with apathy, it doesn't make them less of a human, it just makes them a human with less feeling. If that makes any sense. Basically what I mean is apathy is just a lack of emotion and emotion is just our brain's reactions and feelings. Emotions aren't necessarily what make us humans, rather, they add to being human. Sorry, that was really confusing, but there's my insight on it. -Avery<3




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Tue Aug 27, 2019 1:28 pm
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



Apathy: lack of enthusiasm, interest or concern
In a sense.. apathy is not really like an emotion. More like a feeling.
It’s a rhetorical question really. Is the feeling of not feeling anything a feeling? Really, it is. But if you talk of the kind of apathy sociopaths feel- then it’s not. You see, the difference between a sociopath and psychopath is that a sociopath isn’t aware of what he is doing being wrong for lack of judgement and self ponder, feelings really; but psychopaths are aware and do that for pleasure. That is their key difference. In the case of a sociopath, they do not feel that lack of interest or concern- because they just don’t feel at all. It’s like an endless turmoil of feelings for them, they can’t really feel the right way for the right thing. But at the same time.. I guess depression is a feeling..
I don’t really get the first line “emotions are what makes humans,” well.. I just feel like somethings missing. It’s like saying “beauty is what makes people special” but taking out the special. And I don’t get why emotions makes someone. You don’t judge someone because of his emotions? That’s just.. horrible. Imagine. If everyone thought that way, depressive people and people who are always sad or can’t feel anything- secluded. The happy people, so to say; those are the only “people” then? Are sad people not human?
Next lines are descriptions of emotions. The basic ones tho. I only saw maybe anger and happiness. But emotions.. it’s so much more complex!
And again for that before last line.. emotions are not what defines us. Emotions are particular for having layers. Happiness can be a layer of pain or grief. Neutrality can hide sadness. Coldness can hide pain. Emotions are not the best tools to judge someone. If people were judged on their frontal emotions- the world would be a darker place.




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Mon Aug 26, 2019 10:59 pm
Em16 wrote a review...



I really like the concept you have set up in this poem, and I think you have really hit at the heart of what defines apathy. It's not a feeling, it's a lack of feeling, and it makes whoever feels it less human. However, I think you could expand more on what apathy is and what it does to someone, using metaphors and similes. Also, since you don't expand on disinterest, I would suggest cutting it from line 5. As it is, it distracts from apathy, what you are really trying to focus on. And while your ending is really great and it has an amazing twist, the beginning is a bit cliché. We've all heard that emotions are what makes you human, so I would suggest either condensing the beginning, or adding a twist to make it less cliché. Still, the poem overall is very original, with a unique perspective on emotion.






Thank you for the criticism! I will take that to mind.




Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind