Mathiew's arms lazily, and instinctively reached over his alarm-clock until it was right above it. With great fury and anger he slammed on the snooze button, although, to his avail, the alarm kept beating.
There was a moment between him smashing his clock and it not turning off where pure rage and insanity devoured his emotions. For some reason he had mustered up so much anger from just his alarm.
He rose his body from his bed in a flash, as he looked angrily at his clock. Soon that insanity subsided and all that dripped from his mouth were whining sounds.
"Turn off that alarm clock, Mathiew. You're going to wake up your sister," his mother called to him from the kitchen.
He just sat there and sighed, letting the alarm snooze itself...Whimpering sounds could be heard from the room adjacent, afterwards.
Sun rays pierced through his window curtains revealing his small bedroom, cramped with books and drawings.. A desk, computer and a lamp were alongside his bed, near the door. A brown dresser with a mirror sat in front of his bed, ready for use.
It was a school day, the first school day of the school year actually. Summer break had gone in the blink of an eye, or so it felt. Second year of secondary school was underway now--time to reconvene with old friends, as well with old and new problems.
"Hurry up, you're gonna be late for school!" He heard his mother again.
"Coming!" He yelled back.
Quickly, he put on his new uniform for the year; navy dress pants; a white dress shirt with a navy, gold and white striped tie. Mathiew hated uniform, he wanted to go to a regular public school where they don't use uniforms but his parents insisted that he should go to a private school. He wondered why, it's not like that school was prestigious or anything.
"I'm leaving," he called out to his parents.
"Aren't you going to have breakfast with us?" His father asked, peeking over his newspaper on the kitchen table. He already had his food on his plate.
Mathiew turned to look at him, balancing himself whilst putting on his shoes. "I made arrangements with a friend to meet each other in the school's train station," he lied.
"hmm... Well, make sure you eat something before you get to school then," he bought it.
"Yes sir"
And so, his first day of second year began. Any person his age would be steaming with anxiety and jubilation, but for him it was just another day. Nothing exciting was going to happen--yeah he might see some new faces but nothing out of the extraordinary. Not that he wanted it otherwise, he had already gotten complacent with his lifestyle.
The roaring city was PACKED with people going to and fro. It was easy to get lost in sonder. The ambiance was loud and frightening, but for someone who repetitively heard these sounds, Mathiew had grown accustomed to them and had found a way to cope, just plug in your earphones and get caught in the lyrics of a song.
Swiftly, he navigate his way through the crowds until getting into his train in the last minute. People with suits and cases filled the carts, filling the air with nauseating smells. School kids hadn't left for school yet, making him stick out like a sore thumb.
As the train left the station it became apparent how early he was, the sun had just began to make its way into the horizon, shining a bright, warm aura across the sky. A light beam in particular cracked the sky and jabbed at Mathiew's eyes, straining them.
The train ride within the city was a long one, but Mathiew didn't mind--he enjoyed the long rides, basking in the sun's warmth. To him this was paradise, listening to the greats orchestrating their classical music whilst watching the morning sky was something most took for granted. He felt free look out towards the neverending sky, beyond the clouds, beyond our planet and beyond the sun. That's where he belonged... Out there.
Unfortunately, despite his school being so far from his home, he felt the ride was short lived, especially since the city installed new trains that were much sleeker, cleaner and, most importantly, faster.
"Virgin Waters Station, now arriving at Virgin Waters Station." The robotic intercom voice said. Although, its only job is to say the names of the stations, having the conductor say it was better, although he didn't care, he learned to distinguish stations by mere appearance rather than someone telling him.
Hastily he headed towards the station's convenience store, hoping to settle his hunger with a beef patty or perhaps some chips.
"That'll be ten dollars," the young cashier said. She looked to young to be working in a place like this, maybe it was just her part-time as she went to college. She smiled and wished him a good day. "Please come again."
"A coffee; two chip bags and two patties for ten dollars? We must be in a recession," Mathiew thought, but he just smiled back and headed his way.
Evergreen Secondary School, it read on the school sign just outside its gates. The school was larger than most public schools, in both population, staff and just general size of the premise. Its placed on the north side of the city, inside a quiet neighborhood in quiet suburban area. Compared to the rest of the city, this place seemed like a green patch on a rather grey and dull painting--hence the name 'Evergreen.'
By the time Mathiew got to the gates, other students began to appear as well. This school day in particular began early due to the principle welcoming and addressing new and returning students, but Mathiew wasn't early for that, in fact this was his normal time of arrival. He enjoyed spending his early hours cooped up inside the student council room, which he was apart of.
Up the stairs, on the second floor, to the left and all the way down the hallway, near the emergency exit door, the room called to him. He once asked the President why they were stationed near an emergency exit, she just joked that they were V.I.P.
From that room, he had an amazing view of the suburbs and the rising skyline of the city. Behind the silhouette the sun kept rising higher and higher. The alluring sky he admired so much was now dark purple for the most part but was quickly dissipating, foreshadowing the commence of a new day.
Within the student council room, a small room was hid behind the chalkboard. A large shelf had to be moved in order to access the entrance.
In that small, cramped room Mathiew dreamed his mornings away.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.
Since the previous reviewer did a line-by-line, I'll be mostly commenting on overall and anything specific that catches my eye.
To be honest, nothing really happens in this chapter. I don't see any possible conflicts, some kind of character chemistry!--basically everything about this is everyday except it's day one for school. It's just Mathiew waking up, going to school, eating his customary breakfast, etc. etc. For that reason, it doesn't interest me too much.
Your writing style is slowly paced but consistent and introspective and I'm kind of enjoying it. I also agree with the previous reviewer that this could be strengthened by filtering out the weak verbs like to-be verbs, passives, etc. The reason having stronger action verbs and less passive sentences is good in writing is because the writing becomes crisp, stronger, more to the point.
The scene with the alarm clock, I feel, is overly exaggerated. Exaggerated to the point that it made me laugh. Okay, I understand Mathiew's want for more sleep but the wordiness and individual action-by-action kind of exaggerates the whole scene, while I feel like more scenes could be expanded on (such as when he buys food or hops on a train). Maybe that's the point of this scene!
Hope this helped, and use any suggestions you like and throw away the rest!
Hey, Skywind here for a review.
Mathiew's arms lazily, and instinctively reached over his alarm-clock until it was right above it. With great fury and anger he slammed on the snooze button, although, to his avail, the alarm kept beating.
There was a moment between him smashing his clock and it not turning off where pure rage and insanity devoured his emotions. For some reason he had mustered up so much anger from just his alarm.
These first two paragraphs have a lot of "tell" in them. Consider using more "show" in your writing. Here, you could write something like...
Mathiew's arms sluggishly raised from the comfort of his bed toward the alarm-clock. He pressed the snooze button, but the alarm kept beating. He pressed it again. And again. And again. The alarm didn't turn off.
He frowns and clenches his fists. He strikes down onto the clock with force repeatedly.
He rose his body from his bed in a flash, as he looked angrily at his clock.
Instead of looked angrily at the clock, you could write, frowned at his clock. It would easily "show" anger rather than tell you. Also, because frowning was mentioned in my previous paragraph, I would just have him look at the clock and anger would still be implied. Or stare.
Instead of, Soon that insanity subsided and all that dripped from his mouth were whining sounds.
You have a tendency to create unnecessarily long sentences. Consider shortening some of them that you can write in fewer words. You could write... He sighed and whimpered.
He just sat there and sighed, letting the alarm snooze itself...
Avoid the use of ellipsis in non-dialogue sentences. You can use them in dialogue or thoughts, but here is more like an action than a thought.
Whimpering sounds could be heard from the room adjacent, afterwards.
Avoid filter verbs whenever possible. Here you could write... Whimpering sounds resounded from the adjacent room.
"Hurry up, you're gonna be late for school!" He heard his mother again.
Use lower-case "he". Even though it looks like it starts a new sentence, a dialogue tag is part of the same sentence. Also, you could just write... "his mother called." instead of "he heard his mother call again."
"Coming!" He yelled back.
Same thing here. Use "he"
Mathiew turned to look at him, balancing himself whilst putting on his shoes. "I made arrangements with a friend to meet each other in the school's train station," he lied.
Avoid sandwiching dialogue in between other text. I recommend starting a new paragraph after "...on his shoes."
Rule of thumb to follow:
You follow one of three patterns for dialogue and new paragraphs.
1. Description Dialogue
2. Dialogue Description
3. Dialogue Description Dialogue
"hmm... Well, make sure you eat something before you get to school then," he bought it.
Capitalize "hmm"
The dialogue tag at the end tells us too much about what's happening so it feels like its spoon feeding us the information that he bought it. I advise only using dialogue tags like... said, informed, asked, yelled, whispered, answered, etc. Here, you could use answered.
"Yes sir"
Missing period.
The roaring city was PACKED with people going to and fro.
Don't use all caps like this ever in writing. You could use it in dialogue if a word is highly emphasized, but don't overuse it. You could also use italics for emphasis.
The ambiance was loud and frightening, but for someone who repetitively heard these sounds, Mathiew had grown accustomed to them and had found a way to cope, just plug in your earphones and get caught in the lyrics of a song.
This sentence is awkward because of the random present tense verb "plug"
I'd rewrite this as:
The ambiance was loud and frightening, but for someone who repetitively heard these sounds, Mathiew had grown accustomed to them and had found a way to cope. He plugged in his earphones, turned up the volume, and followed the tune of the song.
"Virgin Waters Station, now arriving at Virgin Waters Station." The robotic intercom voice said.
Need a comma for the dialogue tag, not a period.
Overall, it looks like you have a good mental image of what's going on. I would read over what you have and try to incorporate some of the stuff I mentioned. The "show" not "tell", replacing filter verbs with more active verbs, and write more concise sentences.
Keep writing and good luck.