I thought friendship
Was to be together
Than why do I
Find it works better
When I'm alone
*
I let you close
I tell you secrets
Only to find the tip
Of your sword in my rib
*
Words always unspoken
Hearts getting rebroken
And you ask why I'm unsocial
*
We get desensitized
To the point where we
Have to break the shell of our hearts
But the walls that we seem to crumble
Tears our soul cause we know we are in trouble
*
I look at my heart and know
In lies the pieces of cruelty
There are bullets of criticism
Sharap metal of lies
And of course the blade
That you can't deny
*
This is why we struggle
This is why we fight
Because we dont know
The difference in love and sight
*
I hate saying hi
Because that just means
There is someone else
That can create a demon
Out of this wreckage I've become
*
I dont want death
But I dont understand life
When pieces of paper
Are more valuable than a persons god given rights
*
We treat each other as primal figures
And expect better than to have scars
How do we get this mentality
That we have to forget who we are
*
The work of hopeless is romantic
But the work of the heartless
Is shown to be the token
And then you wonder why everything
Is broken
*
So here I write this poem or epic
But my voice is quiet in the world
And my heart fells for those
Who has never had the felling
of a blade that is no more than words
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hello Tomcat, and welcome to YWS. I hope you'll enjoy it here!
This is a minor nitpick but it bothered me a lot, so I'll be pointing it out:
can be
I changed the "fell" to "fall" and the "felling" to "had to fall". It feels really odd in my opinion to say "had the falling".
I find that the content is...well, rather common, about having somebody break your heart or betray you. While I haven't experienced that kind of incident, I can surely relate--BUT I'd like to know what makes this poem special. What makes it stick like glue in the reader's heart and makes them wonder. Other than some rhyming, the use of poetic language here is minimal, when there is a truly vast access to imagery and metaphor and other that can reveal your poet's voice and enrich the poem.
I would also appreciate a smoother flow in the poem. The flow was rather choppy in my opinion. Though I don't mind a lack of punctuation, perhaps it may have contributed to the choppiness. Writing a poem with no punctuation may be rather tricky because there's no help for the flow from punctuation.
Despite the spelling mistakes, I like the last stanza the best, especially the line "But my voice is quiet in the world"--as if the narrator is expressing their voice via poetry. Well, I think that's all I've got to say. Message me if you have any questions about YWS or this review, and feel free to use my suggestions or not!
Princess Ink
Of
Legacy here for a review.
I love the content of this poem, but there are some things that need some improvement before this is a final draft.
You seem to have some misspelled words (if for a specific reason, then it is okay, but if there is no reason, then you need to spell check your poem).
You also seem to have no stanzas. Without stanzas the poem is read quickly and the words aren't emphasised. A quick way to fix that is to either put dashes in between where you want a stanza break or pushing shift+enter to make a new stanza. (the publishing center can be difficult to learn at first, but once you learn it, it's not too hard.)
The last thing I have to talk about is your rhyming scheme. You started the poem with an AABB scheme but part way through the poem it switches to an irregular scheme. With the formatting of your poem right now, the scheme makes the whole poem fall apart. You also have some forced rhymes or rhymes that don't actually rhyme. The way to fix this is to not worry about rhyming, as not all poems have to rhyme, or to word your sentences differently.
Overall you have a decent draft. I would take this into editing again before it is a final copy. (You also don't seem to use punctuation at all during the poem, which is fine, but punctuation does help people stop for a second and process what you are saying). Legacy.