Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
I lie there lifeless as your jerk my body into remorse. I stare off blankly and I do not move. You keep on going not caring about anyone or anything but finishing this dirty deed. I trusted you but you took all my trust, the little I had left in humanity gone. You could not understand my pain but I suppose I didn't either. I tried so hard to make stop or no form into words and spoken for all the world to hear but they remained merely a thought stuck on my lips forever. My lips fainted with your devilish bite. My lips that no amount of lipstick could ever cover the cracks your wet mouth left there. You did not drug me nor did you words of persuasion lead me to this unclothed and unprecedented event occur. I was saving it but not for you. What led me here was simply dear. You were tall and strong you had bruised me before, truthfully they had just begun to fade. You made me fear your every word and when you angered it made me tear. It was not your words nor actions it was simply my fear of you that lead to you hurting me in a way that cannot be changed.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey there,
The concept for this was fine, but I think you could make some changes to your execution.
It's not an easy thing to define poetry, so I'm not going to say this isn't poetry, but the fact that you write it as prose means that you aren't able to take advantage of a lot of the structural features of poetry. With shorter and longer lines, breaks in weird places and variations in metre and rhyme, you are able to convey the speaker's feelings without necessarily stating it. This is more enjoyable to read because it's less like a piece of information and more like feelings. This can quite often make it more harrowing.
With that in mind, let's look at this in the form closest to how I would define it. This seems kind of like an open letter, with you the speaker speaking directly to their abuser. That's one of my favourite forms, actually. Within this form, there's still opportunity to use things like repetition, links that aren't quite there but that imply something horrible when the reader figures out how the speaker got from A to B, alliteration, lots of things. You have some interesting word choice and some imagery too, so you're going in the right direction, but I think it would be a good idea to look at some more features of writing you could use to give more potency to your speaker's feelings.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
p.s. remember that this sort of event doesn't lead to just one emotion. It's an incredibly complex event that comes with fear, loathing, even guilt sometimes. Seeing what you can do with that could be quite interesting.
Hey, Lee's here for a review!
Positives--
You have expressed yourself quite well, and fit your first pen, this is really good!
Negatives--
Who is the person you are taking to?
You have not used paragraphs. It's all just crashed together, so it looks tortuous to the eye. No, seriously. If you had broken it up into stanzas, it would look much easier to read. Right now it looks more like an essay than a poem.
"I tried so hard to make stop"
I can't understand a word of that part. Maybe you tried to say "I tried so hard to stop"? Because that makes that part a little bit easier to understand.
"My lips fainted with your devilish bite" - One can get the meaning, but you've expressed yourself rather vaguely.
" What led me here was simply dear." You meant "What led me here was simple, dear." See the difference?
The first line - it should be 'you', not 'your'.
And why remorse? Be specific, please.
You keep changing tenses. If you had written the poem in stanzas, then it might be possible.
Second line - there shouldn't be an "off".
"I stare blankly" is enough.
"My lips that no amount of lipstick could ever cover the cracks your wet mouth left there."
That makes absolutely no sense. Please do tell us what you meant by that.
You have hardly put enough punctuation in the poem.
I'm sorry if I was a bit harsh, I meant it for the best.
All the rest of your mistakes are just like the ones I pointed out, so if you just look carefully and correct yourself, you will really shine.
Good luck!