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16+ Violence Mature Content

Albus

by Till


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

They say we are what we eat and we eat the poor, the young, the elderly and the needy. What does that make us, if not human? Monsters? What do we call a man who pushes his burdens on another, if not clever? A murderer? Here among our numbers walk the thieves, the liars and the greedy. They steal, legally, making the poor poorer and themselves whiter. They “fix” themselves, breaking the broken unfortunates in the process. Worthless amalgamations of commodities, all of them -- all of us. You too, in fact.

You are a factory worker, lower middle class, brown skinned. You think you do alright for yourself. You’re simple and you like that, but secretly you dream of glamor. You’ve been saving your extra money for over a year, nearly starving yourself on days where you don’t have work. Today, you wish to graduate from your brown skinned cage and see how the whites live. You take one last look at your apartment. The beige walls are dripping with brown and black garbage. Your mattress doesn’t have any sheets to cover the stains. Soon you won’t have to worry about any of that. Soon you’ll have your own wall-paper, white, to cover yourself in. You take the money you’ve saved and head for the door, which creaks open before you even touch it. You can’t afford locks. You walk down the garbage filled streets, trying your best to ignore your neighbors. Soon you won’t have to see any of their dirty faces anymore. It’s their own fault, you think to yourself, they could save their money like I did, if they wanted. Dirty parents with dirty children, you’re glad you never married.

The Albus is within eyesight. You approach.

The familiar screams of a damned man greet you. This one’s slightly darker than you. He’s being dragged towards the Albus to be punished. He’s younger than you, maybe sixteen.

The white pillars tower over you, dousing the perimeter in shadow. You enter.

You pay your dues to the woman in the blouse. Her blouse is beige like your walls, but her skin is alabaster. Her hair, too, is bright white. She doesn’t show any signs of age. She greets you with the indifference you’re accustomed to and directs you towards a chamber on her right. You enter.

The chamber is translucent. Looking through out, you see her figure is distorted and strange. The curved glass bends her face. An angel, you think. You look to your left and see the young, dark-skinned man. He’s been stripped. You close your eyes, it’ll be over soon. You won’t have to think about him or anyone like him ever again. The Albus shutters. You sleep.

Here in our world, there are no prisons. We are our own cells and we hold our own keys. Most of us never try to escape. The security is too comforting; the unknown is too unconditioned.

You wake up from your dreamless slumber. You feel the same, a little lighter on your feet, but the same. Bringing your hand up to your face, you see it is now white. You admire the back of your hand and your pink palms. The woman is smiling at you, blinding you with her marble teeth. Out of the corner of your eye, you see the dark-skinned man. He’s shorter now, emaciated, older and covered in black sludge. Your blackness, age and disease has left you and been transferred onto him. You watch as he’s dragged from the Albus and thrown into the street like a leather sack of nothing. You feel nothing.

That man’s life is over, we all knew it. He’s too black to provide for his family, too old to go to school and too poor to live. In contrast, you have everything. You’ll never go back to your factory job. With your blackness, age and disease gone, you are truly free. Any employer would hire you and any woman would want you. Do you enjoy this power, or have you realized the disease you lost was your humanity? Weakness, empathy, you think, useless -- human. Now, you’re your own man and you’re free.


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Random avatar

Points: 341
Reviews: 2

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Mon Oct 16, 2017 10:24 pm
Symmote wrote a review...



Hi!

Overall, a solid piece. You're descriptive, using both stark-simple and toothy words with aplomb. It comes across as an advanced work without being overbearing or complex for the sake of complexity.

The repetition of 'the Albus' works well as a constant drumbeat throughout the story, pounding forth as the main character marches towards it. This story demonstrates the basic process of buildup-to-culmination simply and well.

Grammar check:

You take you’re the money you’ve saved...


which creeks creaks open before you even touch it...


...dousing the parameter perimeter in shadow.




Till says...


Thank you for the feedback! I'll definitely fix everything you mentioned before I submit it.



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364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Mon Oct 16, 2017 1:45 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello, Till! Welcome to YWS! It’s Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside...

STOP! Grammar time!



I didn't find any grammar issues. This is extremely impressive, as I am a grammar Nazi.

Suggestions:



None.

Confusing things:



None.

Other comments, reactions, and fangirling:



WOAH THE METAPHORS! The whole thing was a metaphor and very professionally written. This impressed me and, honestly, I loved it. Great job with this piece. It deserves the like I'm giving it.

Overall:



I don't even have words, that's how great this is. The metaphors are very cleverly placed and they hit me at the heart and home. I hope that this will become famous someday. That's how great it is.

Amazing job.

Give me your soul --

Kara

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Till says...


Thank you! Someone mentioned a few grammar issues, but I'll fix those soon.



zaminami says...


Hmmm... I didn't notice them.

I was in the middle of class, though, haha.



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20 Reviews


Points: 1583
Reviews: 20

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Mon Oct 16, 2017 1:18 pm
Rodger wrote a review...



Hi Till its Rodger the dark Rose here with a quick review.

OK lets get into it
What l like:
"What to we call a man who pushes his burdens on another, if not clever? a Murderer?" Is a perfect example of how to use to completely different words in place of anther well-done Till. Another thing I like is your opining paragraph it is very clear and it tells the reader what to expect from this narrative. l understood the narrative the first time, that is how clear it is.
I like the way how the story interactively points out cruelty and injustice. Great job on word usage.
But the were a few things l did not understand
"You take you’re the money you’ve saved and head for the door" its not very clear.
". The Albus shutters. You sleep." The use of full stops was too soon for me in this maybe a comma would be nice.
Your only major problem was using the full stop too quickly.
Besides that great job Till Keep at it.




Till says...


Thanks for the review!




Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart.
— Andréa Balt