An Odd "Article"

Okay, a word of warning. I wrote this for an english class. The topic was somewhat dictated. Therefore it will not be totally amusing to most. Please critique accordingly.

This is fiction. I didn't go to Chile. I don't have an older brother. The Pajine do not exist (to my knowledge).

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The Eating Habits of the Native Tribes of Chile’s

Near-Uninhabitable and Completely Secluded Mountains

If harmony is to exist in any relationship all parties must have knowledge, to some degree, of the others’ practices and customs. Therefore, a clear and concise picture of the eating habits (and impediments thereto) of the tribes that inhabit Chile’s mountains is necessary for any and all who inhabit the planet on which Chile currently resides. I feel a word of explanation as to how I acquired this knowledge is in order. During my holiday in the illustrious 2000th Year of Our Lord, I traveled to the completely secluded mountains of Chile to observe, and record the way of life of, the natives that live there. As a part of my experience I lived precisely as they lived for the fortnight I was in their society—not using any modern convenience so as to not adversely affect their culture. I would like to thank my older brother, Peter, for the generous contribution he made to my traveling fund therein enabling me to make my enlightening journey. The Pajine (Pa-he’-nae) tribe has been cut off from civilization due to the near impregnable precipices that guard their home. One will (undoubtedly) ask why these people do not move to a more comfortable living facility, but I would argue that something only seems hard when compared with the ease of the alternative, and they have never been presented with an alternative.

The Pajine have been blessed with a ready source of food, but that is where the comfort ends. When a member of the tribe is hungry he or she must undertake a formidable endeavor—they must crack open a rock in order to procure edible rockgrubs that live therein. The rockgrub is edible, but that is the lone complement that can be paid it; it is neither tasty nor nutritious, and is (regrettably) quite small. Therefore one must crush a large number of rocks to accumulate a sufficient number of rockgrubs for a meal, and then consume the sour glop (an even more unpopular event than crushing rocks). There are two prevalent ways of devouring one’s meal: one can crush all the rocks and then grind up the rockgrubs so as to only necessitate one load of acrid pulp traversing the Esophagean Passage, or eat all the rockgrubs contained in one stone so as to only necessitate eating a small portion of the putrid mess at a time.

The Pajine tribe’s consummation habits are not aided by another invertebrate: the rockworm. The rockworm is the rockgrub’s only natural enemy, and will eat any rockgrubs it comes upon (as denoted by its name the rockworm shares a habitat with the rockgrub). The destruction of rockgrubs would not be such a problem if one could simply eat their assailants; however, the rockworm is highly poisonous to humans. The rockworm possesses an exceedingly flexible exoskeleton, which prevents it from being smashed. The Pajine do not possess tools, so there is no hope of cutting one into pieces. And, to date, no rockworm has been successfully drowned, though many have been held underwater for exorbitant periods of time. Therefore the only way to destroy a rockworm is to dip it in acid, and since no one has seen fit to open a dangerous-liquid-surplus-store in the barren wilderness of Chile’s mountains, the only acid on-hand is in-stomach. Hence, the primary form of execution is to force-feed the offender as many rockworms as possible before he (or she) expires; thus ridding society of poisonous, rockgrub eating wretches, and a public enemy. I might add that the death penalty is quite common, for even seemingly minor offences can one find oneself eating rockworms.

One can readily see the difficulties for the Pajine in procuring nourishment; however, there is one more all-too-rare delicacy: the albino cavefish. The albino cavefish lives in the caves beneath the mountains that these good people inhabit. The cavefish lacks the organs of sight, for no light ever refracts in the depths of the cave lakes to be perceived by an oculus. The cavefish also lacks pigment of the skin; making it quite tasty without ever touching a flame (this is a positive for the Pajine possess no fire). Cavefishing is made quite difficult by the cavefish’s natural predator: the caveviper. The caveviper is a more formidable opponent than the rockworm; it is, naturally, venomous, some four feet in length when fully grown, and has a seemingly perfect working knowledge of the cave systems underlying the mountains. It is (like the cavefish) aquatic and blind, but makes up for its lack of sight by its incredible sense of smell and the heat-seeking pits indigenous to the viper family. No one has been fortunate enough to either catch a caveviper or find one dead to determine if they too might be good for eating.

I hope that all have found this as interesting a topic as I found it during my two-week stay with the Pajine. Now the world can better understand the processes of ingestion our Chilean neighbors partake in. I would exhort all who have the opportunity bestowed on them to take such a trip as I did, for their own edification, and for the education of all whom they come in contact with.