Hi there TheBlueCat! I should be reviewing your poem you asked to be reviewed in my WRFF thread, but here I am procrastinating. I saw this and I just had to review it. Hopefully my feedback will help! Usually, I don't see many essays on here or they don't seem to interest me, so I'm glad I finally found one to test the reviewing waters with. I write essays all the time in school and wanted to see your take on writing an essay.
For the most part, in your first introductory paragraph, you have good examples and well thought out imagery for people to see in your mind. I have one thing to say about your verb use of the word 'covered' in two sentences -- you used 'covered' to describe the trash and gunk all around a city in two sentences in a row:
Picture this: city streets covered in slimy, sticky junk with nowhere to walk. Skyscrapers, which you can't see because of the choking, gray smog, covered in filthy plastic bags.
You have lots of options of verbs and I suggest switching one for an alternative word! This really isn't a big deal but I think it helps with uniqueness between sentences and then it feels like it is less repetitive.
One big suggestion would be to stay away from unnecessary words, like 'also'. You used 'also' in two of your claims in your body paragraphs for energy and saving materials. It's one of those words that sneak into our sentences when we want to be more straightforward -- I'm guilty of this too! If you read it out loud to yourself without 'also' you will find that it works just as fine, if not, even better. If having no filler word like 'also' doesn't work for you, I suggest using something like 'too' at the end of your sentence. For example:
Energy is saved when recycling, too.
This way it feels like you're not making a list with all of those 'also's.
I know this already has been turned in and graded (congrats on the 25, by the way) but I do have a suggestion for future essay writing, or just this essay specifically. You're promoting the action of recycling, but it might be nice to be introduced to alternative products that are originally made of non-renewable materials. For example, if water bottles are made of plastic, and are non-renewable, what can a person buy that will help save energy and help recycle? Boxed water might be a potential answer, as will buying a permanent water bottle made out of a non-plastic material. Hopefully that made sense! Giving examples of everyday items people can start using will help promote recycling even more.
I'm not sure how your teacher/school has you format essays, but I have something I want to point out. I noticed how you have 'to conclude,' as a boost in the beginning of your conclusion. I'm personally not a fan of those types of beginnings, but I think it really depends on the writer. It just feels like a basic essay writing format, and unnecessary. Like, there is probably an alternative than practically telling the reader that it's the conclusion. In some situations, it flows and works well, but your topic is very informational and sophisticated, that it could work with a more well-developed concluding sentence.
Let's talk about the rest of the conclusion a little more. I was a little disappointed that it didn't tie back to the introduction, with the trash-covered city, etc. It would have been nice to mention how the world could be cleaner, and say how a 'city wouldn't be covered in trash', etc. It would tie the whole message back very nicely. Besides that, I feel like the conclusion was a little beggy-feeling -- the way it was written feels a little less informational (which is what a conclusion is) but also directs the writing towards the reader. You could possibly add more personal ideas in there; about a household and the reader's everyday life, to really manifest the concept of recycling and improve the chances of the reader wanting to recycle.
I really liked the introduction! It painted a very good and impacting picture in my mind! Frankly, the topic you are discussing is a common issue and needs to be put into effect, so there is definitely a good reaction towards the topic idea.
Hopefully this review helped! I should really get going on your poem that you requested a review for. Oops. If you have any questions please ask! <3
Points: 7955
Reviews: 109
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