z

Young Writers Society


12+

Blue Arrows ~ Chapter 3 ~ Quest

by TheBlueCat


Everyone watched, mesmerized, as the flame bird drew closer. He was in such high contrast to the world around him. Each feather a flame in itself; tapering from yellow to orange to red, each color astonishingly sharp and richer than Eri had ever seen. She felt like she was seeing those colors for the first time. He started to land next to the wide-eyed queen, but before Eri could blink, he was a man with richly tanned skin and a flamelike beard and hair. His eyes sparkled a deep blue like the ocean, knowing, gentle, and kind. His clothes were regal and royal, and looked to have been dipped in liquid fire. He himself glowed with a fire-like radiance, and a moment after he landed, everyone dropped to one knee.

"Rise," came a chocolately rich voice, as soft as silk, humming with authority and gentleness. Eri had never heard anything so beautiful or almost-terrifying. Slowly, everyone rose. The Phoenix slowly pulled his gaze over everyone; Eri could even swear that he looked at the Mixed, as hidden as they were.

"Now we must attend to the urgent business at hand. The whole forest is in danger." Uneasy murmurs broke out. "You all know that the first queen, Queen Aisley, built the forest out of magic to keep her people safe, as it now guards us too. She stored the magic in the Shell, but recently it was stolen from us." Gasps soon accompanied the murmurs. "Peace. This is why I am here myself. There must be a quest. There are five, one from each guild, who must venture out of the forest to find the magic. I have chosen them myself."

Excitment rippled through the crowd. Eri felt something tug on her heart, wanderlust maybe, but she sadly ignored it, knowing how impossible it was. She glanced over the crowd below. Excited and worried chatter was stirring everywhere. Even the Queen was talking with her husband, apparently surprised as well. Only the Phoenix was calm. He was gently looking over everyone, waiting for the clamor to die down. She shifted a bit, and then could've sworn he look right at her. Her heart skipped a beat, but then he was looking elsewhere. She shook her head.

"The five will now be named." The Phoenix said. Everyone was instantly silent. He looked over everyone again. His gaze settled softly far to Eri's left. "Lupos Feathergem."

A single soft gasp eminated from where his gaze was resting. She heard a group of congrats and hearty back slaps, then a young centuar emerged in front of the Phoenix. She bowed on silver and black mottled horse knee. He gently kissed her on the forehead, a very fatherly gesture, and she shuddered the slightest bit. Smiling, he guided her to her feet and had her stand next to him. Eri could visibly see the fear and possibilities running across her face.

She had short and wavy bright purple hair framing her round face, with large purple eyes to match. Her silver and pink clothes beautifully melded her human body with her horse body. Her only other posession on her was a plain leather bag bulging with rounded shapes.

The Phoenix's voice snapped her back to the present. "Fye Emberwind."

"Me?" Squeaked a voice. The Phoenix chuckled, and then a small werewolf boy bounced up to him. Fye's large eyes twinkled bright yellow as he did the same as Lupos did before him. He merely blinked as the Phoenix kissed him, then bounced over to stand beside Lupos, who was smiling at him.

His energy was really cute and contagious. He had short messy hair that stuck out in soft tufts. It was shaded red to yellow with maroon wolf ears poking out, and he wore simply a white shirt with blue shorts. He was bare-footed.

"Auris Stillwood."

Eri heard no sounds of surprise, but a fairly startled looking unicorn strode forward. His coat was a shimmering rose gold with mane and tail, eyes, and hooves all shining in silver. He did the same as the others, shivering slightly more than Lupos had at the Phoenix's touch, then went to stand on the Phoenix's opposite side from the others.

Fye, being the excited friendly ball of energy he obviously was, smiled and waved energetically at Auris. The unicorn didn't seem to know how to react, so he simply nodded his head at Fye politely. Fye seemed a little crestfallen at the stiffly polite response, but he blinked and looked back over the crowd with his goofy smile.

"Rhys Riverfire"

"Yes!" Came the obnoxious reply. There were some loud congrats with some quiet discontented murmurs. A wood elf strode forward, a smug look on his face. He wasn't quite smug enough to not bow before the Phoenix, though. As the Phoenix kissed him, a very visible shudder racked his body, wiping the smug look off his face to be replaced with surprise and a touch of fear. It faded back to his look-at-me-I'm-so-much-better-than-you look as he took his place next to Auris, though not quite as smug as before. Fye wisely didn't try to interact with him. Rhys was small by elf standards, though not by most other means. His golden-brown hair was swept to the side of his angled face. His emerald eyes held a guarded look beside a thin nose and above pale lips. His clothes were majestic forest colors with gold accents. He assumed a crossed arm position as Eri watched.

The Phoenix was about to speak again when Eos stepped forward. "Excuse me, but did you not say that there would be five to go on this quest, with one from each guild? There are only four guilds." Eos stepped back, looking very pleased with himself for catching this mistake.

The Phoenix looked directly into Eos's eyes as he spoke. "The Mixed are a guild. Everyone must have a representative, and the Mixed will have theirs." He looked back out at the crowd. "Come forward and show yourselves, my dears. There will be no more hiding."

In the midst of enraged, confused, and scared murmurs, Mixed of every shape and size tentatively stepped forward out of the forest. Eri joined them and stepped out of the shadows in the tree to sit on the edge of the branch overhanging the crowd. The crowd near the outer edges of the woods edged away. Eos paled and opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water. Eri also spotted Rhys looking rather indignant at the whole situation.

"And now, if I may continue," the Phoenix said with a glance at Eos, "Eri Moonglow." And with that, the Phoenix looked straight at her, the kindest kind of expression on his face.

Eri's heart stopped and she nearly fell out of the tree for a split second. Then she recollected herself and jumped gracefully down from the tree. She stalked forward, tail twitching behind her and ears catching every whisper. The crowd parted around her like a bubble. Hundreds of faces stared at her, everything from disgust to horror to curiousity showing on them. She pasted a mask of indifference on her face, although she couldn't help a little spark of joy and hope from showing. As she approached the Phoenix, she felt like an invisible force was pulling her forward at the same time another one was pushing her back. The pulling one was stronger, though, and she dropped to her knees before the Phoenix as the others before her had. He reached down with an extremely gentle touch and lifted her head so he could meet her eyes before cradling it in his hands. His lips touched her forehead, sending something equivalent to an electric pulse coursing through her body. It touched her mind like a probe and she recoiled, instinctively putting up barriers around herself. A shudder raced through her body, a result of the mental battle. The probe sent a message of love and hope out. She realized it was from the Phoenix, and she reluctantly pulled her barriers down. A kind of positive feeling like nothing else flooded her, rushing through her before receding into a back corner of her her mind and winking out. It all happened within a second, and it left her mentally gasping. She stood, wiping the shock off of her face. She took a spot between the Phoenix and Lupos, who instinctively shifted away from Eri. Eri ignored it.

The Phoenix turned towards the crowd. "These are my chosen ones. Their quest will begin one week from now. I... I will not be leaving just yet. It seems I have some work to do first." He wore a thoughtful expression.

Queen Lyra appeared next the the Phoenix. She whispered into his ear for a moment. He pressed his lips together, then whispered back to her. She nodded.

"The Great Meeting is over. You may leave. There will be no greeting the five currently." She said to the crowd.

Everyone started milling around and talking with everyone about the crazy events of the day.

Queen Lyra, Eos, and the Phoenix quickly ushered the questers down the backside of the hill and into the castle about fifty meters off. The structure was a mass of cobbled towers and flag topped spires. Intracate stained-glass windows and painted and carved stones decorated the otherwise plain castle.

The carved oaken gates were open as always, leading through the surrounding wall into the large grassy courtyard around the castle. It was deserted, an effect of the Great Meeting.

Eri glanced over at the other four. They were as captivated by their surroundings and as confused and excited about the quest as she was. Rhys glanced over and they had a split second of eye contact before he sneered and she looked away. I guess I know who hates me the most. Eri thought sadly.

Queen Lyra stepped up to the castle doors, which mirrored the other wall doors, only a little more intricately carved and painted. She muttered something under her breath, a spell probably, then opened the large doors with ease. The five stepped inside.

They weren't given time to properly look at everything there was, but Eri could see that the castle had no shortage of decorations and shows of wealth. The rooms were extremely spacious with paintings painted directly on the walls and inset with precious jewels and metals. Glittering gold and diamond chandeliers hung high on the decorated ceilings with ornate rugs under their feet. The questers were then ushered into a large study. The walls were lined with books and there were chairs strewn around a small desk coated with papers and books.

The Phoenix seated himself behind the desk gestured for them to sit. A weary look had crept into his eyes, although he maintained his polite and kind air. "Please, sit. There is a lot that I need to explain."


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sun Dec 30, 2018 11:18 pm
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Cat,

Shady here with a review for you on this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Red Team. My style tends to be making comments as I read about anything that stood out to me (both positive and negative!) and then giving a summary of what I thought about the piece at the end. Let's get started...

Each feather a flame in itself; tapering from yellow to orange to red, each color astonishingly sharp and richer than Eri had ever seen.


Whoa, this is a really vivid, impressive description. Super good job at the descriptions at the start of this chapter -- both here and after he turns into a man. I was really impressed.

His clothes were regal and royal,


So this might be a bit of an anal nitpick, but aren't regal and royal basically two words for the same thing? I know there's probably a subtle nuance between them, but it still seems fairly repetitive to have them describing the same thing.

Eri's heart stopped and she nearly fell out of the tree for a split second. Then she recollected herself and jumped gracefully down from the tree. She stalked forward, tail twitching behind her and ears catching every whisper. The crowd parted around her like a bubble. Hundreds of faces stared at her, everything from disgust to horror to curiousity showing on them. She pasted a mask of indifference on her face, although she couldn't help a little spark of joy and hope from showing. As she approached the Phoenix, she felt like an invisible force was pulling her forward at the same time another one was pushing her back. The pulling one was stronger, though, and she dropped to her knees before the Phoenix as the others before her had. He reached down with an extremely gentle touch and lifted her head so he could meet her eyes before cradling it in his hands. His lips touched her forehead, sending something equivalent to an electric pulse coursing through her body. It touched her mind like a probe and she recoiled, instinctively putting up barriers around herself. A shudder raced through her body, a result of the mental battle. The probe sent a message of love and hope out. She realized it was from the Phoenix, and she reluctantly pulled her barriers down. A kind of positive feeling like nothing else flooded her, rushing through her before receding into a back corner of her her mind and winking out. It all happened within a second, and it left her mentally gasping. She stood, wiping the shock off of her face. She took a spot between the Phoenix and Lupos, who instinctively shifted away from Eri. Eri ignored it.


This is an extremely long paragraph. I would suggest breaking it up in at least two or three paragraphs to make it easier reading.

~ ~ ~

I REALLY like this chapter. You have such stunning, breath-taking descriptions and it was just extremely rich with imagery. I kept reading and reading and couldn't get enough of it. You did a really good job of setting up the tension and suspense.

I mean, obviously, I kind of guessed that Eri was going to be chosen -- but there's little you can do to remedy that, as it only makes sense that the MC is going to end up going on the quest that's central to the plot lol. The mixed breed twist was a nice bit of added flair, though.

Overall, this was a really good chapter. I like that you have such a diversity of characters represented, and I love, love, love your Phoenix. It is curious to me that he knows the names of people that don't think that they're going to be called (aside from Rhys, lol), but like, if they're not prominent figures or mighty war heroes, then why should he be aware of their existence? I think a bit of an explanation there would be good.

Anyhow, I think that's about all I've got. I see your next chapter is also in the Green Room so I'll head over that way now.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




TheBlueCat says...


Ah thank you so much <33 this was a great confidence booster and great critiques c:



User avatar
456 Reviews


Points: 69427
Reviews: 456

Donate
Sat Dec 15, 2018 2:28 am
View Likes
EternalRain wrote a review...



YO YO YO. Sorry this is so late! But it's still in the green room... surprisingly!

The first thing I wanted to say was how this gives me Narnia vibes. Not that it is a copy of Narnia or anything, but just the way the world is described gives me such a nice feeling, similar to how Narnia was described. I just love the pure magic that you have in this world. It's nice!

So. I think a lot was accomplished with this chapter - which is good and bad. We jump right into the Great Meeting and boom, Phoenix is calling names. This excites me because I loved learning about all these characters that are going to accompany Eri on her quest, but also... I feel like a step needs to be taken back.

Where is this system of choosing coming from? Do they volunteer? Is it hunger games esque where they are chosen and no volunteers? I feel like it's lacking build-up; thoughts from Eri thinking "this has never happened before" or her explaining "this is what a great meeting is - they choose people". Something like that would enforce this system you have. It just feels like we jumped from one thing to the next (and maybe you were just really excited to write this portion and got ahead of yourself).

We also never really got much more development on the Phoenix - last chapter Eri mentions the Phoenix arriving being really important, but not much else is developed on him in this chapter. Maybe that'll be more in the next chapter, though, because they'll be talking.

Other than that, I really loved this chapter. I'm SO excited for Eri to meet the others (and for me to meet the others) and Rhys bc omg. The world built is so fun and these characters are so unique - I'm am just verrrryy pumped to get to know more about them! I can't wait haha.

One thing - it's a bit confusing that Lupos is the name of a centaur because Lupos usually refers to wolves, and since there's a werewolf going on the quest, too, that could potentially confuse readers.

Rhys glanced over and they had a split second of eye contact before he sneered and she looked away. I guess I know who hates me the most. Eri thought sadly.


Hmmmm. Will this perhaps change? ;D Also werewolf boy - cute and contagious energy?? I love him already.

I hope this helps you out!

~ EternalRain




TheBlueCat says...


Thank you so much!! Heh I did get a little ahead of myself xD I appreciate all the suggestions thank youuu
Also I never knew Lupos revered to wolves! Good to know c:




If you steal property, you must report its fair market value...
— John Oliver