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Young Writers Society


12+ Language

Eden Chapter Three

by Bellarke


((@Oniichan. Short I know.))

Chapter three: Broken little boy

He missed his Mother. Her soft, gentle hands. Her big blue eyes, and black hair, hair that felt as soft as a fussy feather in springtime.

Her eyes than would smile every time she looked at him.

He thought she loved him. If she did she would not have did this.

Taken her own life to save his.

“Mother.” Jay says as he sets down on the dirt. “It's getting hard.”

And before him, materializes his mother, her long black hair flowing around her glowing body. Dear son. It is not that it is hard, it just that you do not know what to do.

“Mother, I need you're help.” Jay says, looking into his mother’s dead blue eyes.

What do you need help with, my broken boy? She asks.

“I need you to help me find a lost soul. Of a young girl.” He asks.

And who might than girl be?

“Eden Michaels.” Jay says.

Okay, I am getting that information as we speak.

“Okay, Mother.” He walks over to his father’s grave and just looks at it with such hatred.

You do not need to stare at his grave like you expect him to come up and beat you like he did when you were a boy. He was sent to Hell. His mother puts a cold hand on his shoulder.

“He was sent to Hell?” Jay reels around and looks at her, his dark hair falling into his face.

Yes. Have I not told you this before? She says, then turns and looks behind her. I must go. I think one of your coworkers already found out something.

“Okay. I will see you, Mother.” Jay says, holding a hand out, but not touching his mother.

Because, touching a ghost, it will but your skin away, and you will decay into dust within hours.

“Master Wilson!” A voice yells out. “Master Wilson! Master Wilson!”

“What, Caran?” Jay gets up and turns to the annoying watcher.

“We found it. Her place of death, and where she is right now.” He pants, handing Jay a disk.

“Good work.” Jay looks at the disk. “Wow. That was some pretty fast work, Caran.”

She died on highway 327B in between Cold Water, and Lukewarm, Michigan. She is not stuck in her body at the main central hospital in Lukewarm.

Her body is unresponsive, but that must mean that the soul is paralyzed inside of the body.

“We need to get to her fast.” Jay says, turning to Kavian, the watcher patrol leader. “Gather a team. We need people to help find her at the hospital. We need to be fast, or the soul will perish in her dying body.”

“Yes, Sir.” Kavian says to Jay, then turns to his squad. “Jones, Harris, Patricks gather you're team, we are going to the hospital.”

Jones, Harris, and Patricks all look up, surprised, then they all run off, barking orders to their men, and women.

Women are allowed any job that they want to pursue. Whether it be a job as a Clerk in the main office, a Watcher, a Soldier, or they can even get a job as a Master if they are qualified for the job.

Jay turns back to Caran, who is scuffing up the dirt with his shoe. “You come to. If you want to.”

“Me?” Caran looks surprised.

“Of course you. You are pretty smart. And as you can see,” He drops his voice to a whisper, “We need more smart on our team.”

Caran smiles, despite the fact that he is talking to his leader. “I guess I will come with you, Master Wilson.”

“Thank you. Have you ever been atop earth before? Or were you born here in purgatory?” Jay motions for Caran to walk with him to the main hall.

“I was born on earth. I got a job here after I died.” Caran looks suddenly nervous in the Main Hall.

“Ahh. I see. You were human, that is even more helpful to us.” Jay walks into his hall, and asks, “Well? Are you coming? I am gathering my travel bag.”

“Y...yes, Sir.” He stutters, and shuffles forward.

“Okay, then.” Jay walks into his room and grabs his bag. “You can make yourself comfortable.”

Caran does not move, he stays rooted in the doorway, eyeing the elegant room.

Dark furniture, and flooring. White walls and tables. And paintings of art. Not purgatorian art. Actual human art. Mona Lisa. The Starry Night. The Scream. Girl With A Pearl Earring. And the one that caught Caran’s eye was one he has never seen before.

One of a girl. A girl with fiery red hair and a big white smile.

It looks like…..


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74 Reviews


Points: 0
Reviews: 74

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Thu Jun 14, 2018 11:35 pm
deleted221222 wrote a review...



Hi, I’m Thundahguy. I’ve already gone through your first and second chapters, and will probably also review your fourth as well later on. Let’s get into this, shall we?

I’ve liked your use of single or double sentence lines. It lends itself to the whole atmosphere of your story. Of course, a little description wouldn’t hurt, especially with how confusing the latter part of the chapter is.

I see that you italicized Jay’s Mother’s speaking. Even though it should really be for thoughts, like it should for your previous chapters, I can see it working well enough here that it doesn’t require any fixing. You did forget to italicize her first dialogue, though.

I’ll admit, the second half of the chapter starts to turn into confusing drivel. There seems to be a lot of unnecessary dialogue inside that doesn’t pertain to either the characters or the overall plot, such as:

Women are allowed any job that they want to pursue. Whether it be a job as a Clerk in the main office, a Watcher, a Soldier, or they can even get a job as a Master if they are qualified for the job.


It’s a very unnecessary quote. Unless you expected a lot of misogynists to read this, the idea that a woman could choose what job they wanted to pursue isn’t an uncommon one. It also doesn’t help that we don’t know anyone’s gender. In fact, outside of the dead mother, there hasn’t been one explicit female character, just names.

Overall, it’s a bit of a lacklustre chapter compared to the other two. It starts off strong with the first half, but it gets confusing by the second half. I will say though that the final three paragraphs are very nice. I’ll try to do the next chapter as soon as I can.




Bellarke says...


Hii! Sorry for the very very late response! Thank you so much for your review it is very helpful. And yes I absolutely agree that the part about women working is kind of unnecessary. But I do think that it kind of adds to the difference between %u201Cheaven%u201D and %u201Chell%u201D in the sense that both lore about them both state that women are genuinely just put in the background and not made very responsible kinda makes the idea of women being in charge in purgatory all the more interesting (in my idea at least).



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36 Reviews


Points: 306
Reviews: 36

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Tue May 15, 2018 6:04 pm
fishsashimi wrote a review...



Hey, BiruKun here!
Nice job on this! I think this is the best you’ve done so far, which means you are progressively getting better! One thing that I noticed was that the Mother’s diolouge was without quotes. I really like that, because it gives the feel of the character being hallow or incomplete. Just remember to replace periods at the end of diolouge with commas, unless it ends a line. I also like the mystery of who Jay is. The ending is also great. You’re doing great on these!

Keep on writing!




Bellarke says...


Awe. Thank you. Yes, The mother's dialogue is not quoted, because she is a ghost. And thank you so much. This chapter was hard, because I didnt know what to do.



fishsashimi says...


Yah no problem! I liked the dialogue with no quotes.



Bellarke says...


I changed it to Italicize.




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