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change of hearts

by Swetachowdhury0


I was sitting outside of the hospital room waiting for the doctor to come out. After half an hour doctor came out and i started asking them about my mother condition as she is suffering from blood cancer.

Doctor :"Mia, she doesn't have time. Probably two to three weeks." The doctor informed me. He informed me about her health.i saw a pitty in his eyes and he patted my shoulder and left me there.

My tears started rolling down from my eyes. What will i do without her. She is my only family now after we left korea.w e are each other strength how will i live without her. I was crying outside the room when the nurse came and told me that" my mom want to see me". I closed my eyes for a minute . I can't look weak or afraid in front of her. I wiped my tears and took a deep breath then i went inside the room. She was lying on the bed i went to her side and hold her hand and i was looking down. Then she said that shs is fine.

Mother : "why are you looking down mia. I am fine. Don't worry nothing will happen toh me. But i have a last wish would you help me to fulfill that?"

I looked in my omma eyes with confusion.

I ask her : "what is it ?I will help you."

She took a deep breath and smile at me then said," i want to meet your father . I want to apologize to him for not giving him a chance to speak and leave him alone. I love him Mia . Please let's go back to him."

I wided my eyes as i was shocked how can she ask to go back to korea where she was insulted because of my father when he was incapable of defending my mother and me from his family. and agreeing to marry another woman for their so called company.

I said : "omma we can't go there. You are not in the position to travel. And we don't know about him anything. We don't know whether he remember us or not. "

I saw tears in my mother eyes rolling down her cheeks. I don't wanted to hurt her. I kissed her forehead and ask her to stop crying and said i will try what i can do. The nurse then said that omma needs to sleep now. I nodded and wished her Good night.i walked towards the door when she called my name . I turn to see her she was smiling and she said ,"your father never married anyone again,Mia".

I stood there motionless on her on her commitment.

Hii, everyone this is my first ever story i am writing .please help me out. I may do many mistakes help mw to find out my mistake. please vote for my story.


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405 Reviews


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Wed Dec 05, 2018 2:01 pm
Eros wrote a review...



Hey there, Sweta!!

This is Eros here with a review for you!!

So I decided to read the whole chapter and continue further till the laaast chapter of this novel, "Change Of Hearts."

The start is indeed amaazing!! It starts with a really emotional situation where in, Mia is tensed amd afraid about her mother's health. She asks the doctors how her mother's health is, but they say there's just a few weeks left with her and is diagnosed with blood cancer.
Now, the nurse calls Mia, and tells her that her omma that actually means mother (I could figure that out myself, so it's a plus point for you. You have used a really uncommon word for mother---rather is a word from a different language itself, I mean korean.)
Now her mother smiles and says that she's fine and asks her daughter, Mia to fulfil her last wish, "To meet her husband." He lived in Korea and Mia and her Omma were in some other place. So she thinks it's almost impossible to fullfil her wish. But she shows confidence on her face and assures Omma that she will do something.

The chapter ends with a twist, Mia's dad never married another woman for the so called company??!!
Now that makes me curious to read more. That'd the thing. You should keep the readers interested and engaged in reading your works.

My tips and suggestions:

Maybe try setting up the scenes. Like, describe omma--- she is suffering from blood cancer, so is she looking weak? Describe emotions, and to be honest, exaggerate a littttle bit. Describe her weak body and her expressions of pain that Omma is trying to hide, but Mia can clearly see it in the form of a little sighs of pain, arched eyebrows and clinching of Omma's eyes. But Mia can see it clearly and she feels all the pains of her mother inside her heart. It feels like a dagger stabbing her heart, yet she is unable to express it as she needs to show that she is strong and her omma doesn't need to worry much. These things will add more emotions and will "show us" the feelings instead of "tell us" like the many reviewers tell me. (but I am still not good at it as it seems the.mooost difficult part for me lol)

It is Overall going to be a great story... Will surely read the next chapters and let you know what is going beautifully and where you need to improve.

Keep writing!! You are an awesome writer. The thoughts that you have for this story are just Blasssting. It is going to be full of twists and turns and going to be full of beautyy.

Keep writing, never stop writing. We would love to keep writing such awesome and beautiful works and and also keep Reviewing them!

Have a great night!

With love,
From Eros.
:D






Thank you so much @Eros. I hope you enjoy it and i am trying to improve i hope i do soon...



Eros says...


Yeah, you surely will! :D I was even worst than you when I was new here. If you read my old works, you'll see there are many grammatical mistakes...



Eros says...


You write realllly well....





thank u so much @Eros....i hope i learn soon



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Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:57 am
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Danni88 wrote a review...



Hi! Danni here for a review!

First off, I did a bit of a double take at the end because your author's note wasn't marked out and I thought it was part of the story. Maybe put it in bold writing or just put A/N at the front of it.

OK, there are loads of spelling and grammar issues so I'll just rewrite it, with wrong things in strikethrough, corrections in bold and my comments in italics

I was sitting outside of the hospital room waiting for the doctor to come out. After half an hour, the doctor came out and i started asking them about my mother condition as she is suffering from blood cancer. .My heart pounded. My mother is suffering from blood cancer, and I'm terrified something might happen to her. I asked him about her condition.

Doctor :"Mia, she doesn't have time. Probably two to three weeks." The doctor informed me. He informed me about her health.i saw a pitty in his eyes and he patted my shoulder and left me there. He looked at me with pity in his eyes. "Mia, she doesn't have much time. Maybe two to three weeks." He patted my shoulder and walked away.

My tears started rolling down from my eyes. What will i do without her. She is my only family now after we left korea.w e are each other strength how will i live without her. I was crying outside the room when the nurse came and told me that" my mom want to see me". Tears started rolling down my cheeks. What would I do without my mother? She was my only family after we left Korea. North or South? We are each other's strength, I can't live without her.
The nurse walked up to me. "Mia whatever her last name is? Your mother wants to see you."


I closed my eyes for a minute . I can't look weak or afraid in front of her. I wiped my tears and took a deep breath then i went inside the room. She was lying on the bed i went to her side and hold her hand and i was looking down. Then she said that shs is fine.[s] I closed my eyes for a minute - I don't want to look weak or afraid in front of her. I wiped my tears, took a deep breath and went inside the room.
She was lying on the bed, looking pale. I rushed to her side and held her hand, then looked down, trying to hold back the tears.


[s]Mother : "why are you looking down mia. I am fine. Don't worry nothing will happen toh me. But i have a last wish would you help me to fulfill that?" If nothing will happen to her, why does she have a last wish?

I looked in my omma eyes with confusion.
I ask her : "what is it ?I will help you."


"Mia, why are you looking down? I am fine. Don't worry, nothing will happen to me." She squeezed my hand. "But I need you to do something. Will you help me?"

I looked into her eyes with confusion. "What is it? Of course I will help."


She took a deep breath and smile at me then said," i want to meet your father . I want to apologize to him for not giving him a chance to speak and leave him alone. This conflicts...I love him Mia . Please let's go back to him."

I wided my eyes as i was shocked how can she ask to go back to korea where she was insulted because of my father when he was incapable of defending my mother and me from his family. and agreeing to marry another woman for their so called company.

She took a deep breath and smiled at me. "I want to meet your father again. I want to apologize for not giving him a chance to speak. Mia, I love him. Please, let's go back to him."

I widened my eyes. How can she ask to go back to Korea? She was insulted because of how my father was incapable of defending me and her from his family, and agreeing to marry another woman for their so-called company.


[s]I said : "omma we can't go there. You are not in the position to travel. And we don't know about him anything. We don't know whether he remember us or not. "

I saw tears in my mother eyes rolling down her cheeks. I don't wanted to hurt her. I kissed her forehead and ask her to stop crying and said i will try what i can do. The nurse then said that omma needs to sleep now. I nodded and wished her Good night.i walked towards the door when she called my name . I turn to see her she was smiling and she said ,"your father never married anyone again,Mia".
I stood there motionless on her on her commitment./s]
"Omma, we can't go there. You're not in a position to travel. Anyway, he might not even remember us."

Tears welled up in her eyes. I bit my lip - I didn't want to hurt her. I kissed her forehead.
"Don't cry. I'll see what I can do."
The nurse walked in. "Mia, your mother needs to sleep now."
I nodded and wished her goodnight. I walked towards the door, when I heard her call my name. I turned around. She was smiling.
"Your father ever married anyone again, Mia."

I stood there motionless, amazed at her commitment.



OK, there were loads of grammar and spelling mistakes. I think Katja already offered to help proofread, but I can help too if you want. Also, when someone speaks, don't put their name then a colon.

This is what you currently do:

Bob: "Hello, nice to see you."


How it should be:

"Hello, nice to see you." said Bob.

Regarding the bold bits, you can use those or make up your own along those lines. I don't mind if you want to copy mine. I didn't go through this in much detail and correct every mistake, but I can if you want me to.


I like this! I love the close bond between Mia and her mother, and I really want to find out more about her father. Keep up the good work! I give this 2 mysterious fathers out of 5.
If you have any questions, fire away!



Dan






Thank you for your help.sure i will try to correct it as soon as possible.



Danni88 says...


Take your time!



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Mon Jul 30, 2018 5:14 pm
1nspire wrote a review...



Thank you for sharing your first story! I'm glad that you're not afraid to post writing even though there may be mistakes, after all, it's through these mistakes that everyone learns and grows. I think you have a lot of potential as a writer.

Overall, I really like the concept of this story. They way a majority is conveyed through dialogue made it flow really well, and I could really see how the characters were feeling through the way that they talked. I appreciate the way the protagonist shares her surprise and other emotions with the reader.


The grammar in this story made it a little hard to understand at times, but overall, the creativity and the depth of the characters kept me intrigued and committed to reading the piece.


Here are a few suggestions that I think will help. One easy thing to fix is just to make sure that the right things are capitalized. For example, the word "I" should always be capitalized, along with any character's name, such as Mia.


One of the really common mistakes I saw was that the story seemed to switch between the past and presents tense. For example: "Then she said that she is fine." doesn't really make sense, and could be changed to "she said that she was fine" or "she says that she is fine". This is something that I did a lot when I first started writing, but with practice, I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.


Lastly, I'd suggest that you don't state who is speaking before the line, for example, "Doctor :"Mia, she doesn't have time. Probably two to three weeks." The doctor informed me." In this line, you state that the doctor is the one saying the line in two different places.

Please you continue to post, as I see great potential in your creativity and storytelling ability. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Hope this helped!






Thanks, friend, yes I am trying to write. and I will improve with time I hope.



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Wed Jul 25, 2018 8:57 pm
rohan wrote a review...



Hey Sweta!

Let me begin by telling you that I liked the scene for its merits that included generating genuine interest in the characters which are Mia and her mother.

What I first noticed in your story was the abundance of grammatical mistakes which is generally a huge turn off for me but this particular scene had the quality of keeping me glued to the screen and complete reading it despite those little mistakes. I can pick them all up and tell you the words you could or should have used instead of them but it's both boring and useless as it doesn't help you to improve much as compared to you finding them on your own. However, to ease your trouble I might suggest you use Grammarly while writing a story in order to find those little mistakes and if you can, keep a note of where you went wrong if you want to improve yourself in that area (for exams maybe :P).

Apart from the incorrect usage of some words, there were also a few extra words that could be edited out. Assuming this is the first draft that isn't much of an issue but such instances must be addressed. For example, in "My tears started rolling down from my eyes" the first my isn't needed here and it makes the flow of the story a bit clumsy.

These were the things that I thought that needed improvement. Keep in mind that these are all technical things that will definitely improve the more you write. Coming to the heart of the story, it was good to see that the organisation of the scene clearly says that you knew the entire scene before you sat down to write. Also, the entire scene was from the POV of Mia so the narration was good too.

While writing the future scenes make sure that while changing the POV (if that happens) the narration must change accordingly. This is not based on this scene but is just a general advice since this is something that most people struggle with while writing a scene which makes every character very similar to each other.

Feel free to disregard any comments if you don't find it consistent with the story. And if you need any help/advice/chat I'm only a message away.

Looking forward to the next installation of the story.
-rohan






Hii, rohan thank you ao much . This is my first time writing and i am really nervous about my story . I think that's tge reason of my mistakes.. please help . I hope you like this story



rohan says...


Don't worry at all. Write freely and write for the sake of the story. Don't think about the readers while writing.
-rohan



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Wed Jul 25, 2018 4:47 pm
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KatjaDawn wrote a review...



Hey Swetachowdhury0! Welcome to YWS and thank you for sharing your first story with us! I'm going to review your work here, but please feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions I make, should you find them to be unhelpful. That being said, let's get onto the review! :)

Overall Opinion

You have a very good idea of what you're trying to write here... And you do a fairly good job introducing us to the main character (Mia) and her mother, whom is currently hospitalized with Blood Cancer. A big issue in your story is it is too short and vague. There is not enough detail to really tell us what is happening and what will happen. The story cuts off and leaves the reader (or in this case, at least one reader) confused and uncertain of what is happening. The basis is strong, but the execution is lacking. I also feel like this would perform better if set up more like a short story and not a script. For example, instead of using "Doctor:" you would use dialogue tags to show us who is speaking. But overall, I do really like what you have started here. :)

Suggestions and Comments

My first suggestion is on your format. While this is purely opinion-based, I find the use of italics and switching to regular and then back to be a strange choice and overall breaks me out of focus on the actual story.

Second suggestion: "Blood Cancer" is an umbrella term. It is vague and not specific. Three main types of blood cancer are Leukemia, Lymphoma, and Myeloma according to hematology.org (http://www.hematology.org/Patients/Cancers/). I recommend doing some research into these conditions and picking one (and using this knowledge to strengthen the story-telling) so that the reader can better understand and empathize with the mother's condition.

My next few suggestions/comments will be to point out errors or places that I felt could be changed. I may miss some, but I will show you the more obvious ones (corrections and suggestions will be in bold and/or red)

After a half an hour the doctor came out and I started asking them about my mother's condition as . She is suffering from blood cancer.


Doctor :"Mia, she doesn't have much time. Probably Two to three weeks at most ." The doctor informed me.


He informed me about her health. I saw a pity in his eyes and he patted my shoulder and left me there.


Overall, there were more minor mistakes and places that felt unfinished, run-on or had minor grammatical errors. If you use google docs or microsoft word to write your script/story before publishing it that should minimize errors that you don't notice and that I did not correct.

My last Suggestion is on the overall story. It really is a fantastic basis for a story, however it feels unfinished and rushed. I feel like it may benefit you to tell us more about the relationship between Mia, her mother, and the mysterious father character, It also makes me as a reader more confused when the mother states that he never remarried. Why did Mia assume this? Did the mother allow her to believe this? There are a lot of unanswered questions.

Here are some helpful resources on writing short stories, scripts, and grammar.

Short stories:
https://jerryjenkins.com/how-to-write-short-stories/

Scripts:
http://www.writersdigest.com/online-edi ... ng-a-novel

Grammar:
https://www.fluentu.com/blog/english/en ... mmar-tips/
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/category/handbook/

I hope to read more of your work soon! If you'd like me to review your later work, feel free to tag me in the comments or PM me. I hope I was helpful and did not come off as too harsh, as I am only trying to help out. I really enjoyed this story and I hope you update the story to let us know more about the father and what's going on with him...

Keep writing!

-Katja






Thanks @katja , it's really means a lot.. yes, I know there are mistakes but I am too nervous so it kept it short. I was thinking whether anyone will like it or not... That's why .. your suggestion means a lot to me. And I. Going to look forward . Feel free to tell me about my mistakes..I am going to learn from it





Thanks @katja , it's really means a lot.. yes, I know there are mistakes but I am too nervous so it kept it short. I was thinking whether anyone will like it or not... That's why .. your suggestion means a lot to me. And I. Going to look forward . Feel free to tell me about my mistakes..I am going to learn from it





Thanks @katja , it's really means a lot.. yes, I know there are mistakes but I am too nervous so it kept it short. I was thinking whether anyone will like it or not... That's why .. your suggestion means a lot to me. And I. Going to look forward . Feel free to tell me about my mistakes..I am going to learn from it



KatjaDawn says...


Hey, no problem at all! If you'd like, I could definitely help you proofread. And I am definitely hooked, so if you decide to write more to this story, you already have at least one fan! :)





Thank you so much.....




Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon