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E - Everyone

A message from the heart and brain

by Swetachowdhury0


Knock knock

Who's there?

It's your heart,

Here to tell you

That it's time to fall

In loveā€¦

But I don't know anything about love.

How will I know about love?

How will I know that I am in love?

When you find someone

Who completes you.

Who you can blindly believe

Who will give you

Those twinkling eyes.

Who will make you feel alright,

Who will treasure you

With all his heart.

Who can find you

Even with his closed heart.

And who will make you

Go crazy and wild.

Who will give you

Those butterflies in your belly

Who you can't live without.

And when you will find that soul,

You have to fight the world,

To make him yours.

Sorry for the interruption

It's your brain

Here to tell you that,

Before loving someone

Make sure to love your self.

And make sure to break his bones

If he breaks this heart of yours.


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User avatar
562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

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Thu Mar 14, 2019 10:32 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhonix here to talk and do a review on your poem on this lovely day. I'll try to not take up to much of your time.

Okay so first off, I thought this was really sweet and funny at the same time. So I've never been in love ether, so I can relate to this person who is doubting themselves. I guess it is a very scary thing to think your in love. But I do agree with the heart, you do want someone to love you, but the brain has a point to. So all in all I agree with both.

So I did see two thing that I think can be fixed up a little. Okay let's get to it.

So this is the first one.

Make sure to love your own self.

So here I don't think you need to own. It kind of makes this sentence sound stretched. So I think it should be written like this.
Make sure to love yourself.

To me that sounds a little better. But if you don't agree then you don't need to change it.

Okay the next one is this line.
If he breaks the heart of yours.

Okay so with this one I think the 'the' need to be changed into this. It will make the sentence sound a little better. So is should be like this.
If he breaks this heart of yours.

But again if you don't agree then you don't need to change anything.

Okay so that's all from me for now. I really loved reading and reviewing your work for you. I do hope to see more of your works out on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix. :D
Reviewing with a fiery passion.






Thank you my dear friend.... I will fix it up. Thank you for reviewing and helping me...have a great day...





I'm glad I help you out. I look forward to seeing another poem from you.





will tag you soon. And your name is so good..





Thanks. Aww thank you.
I love you name to.





Thank you too...





Your welcome. :D



User avatar
113 Reviews


Points: 181
Reviews: 113

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Wed Mar 13, 2019 3:01 pm
Bellarke wrote a review...



Hello, I saw this, and thought that I could review it for you!! :)

I am going to try to point out some of the less obvious things, but i am going to fail....so....

First: I want to just tell you what is wrong with the following sentence:

I am your heart


I would get rid of the "I am" and put something like "It's" it would help your poem flow easier.
But I do know that English is not your first language (If that came out right.) And you do struggle a bit. That is like the only line like that, that I saw, so good job!!!

Secondly,

All the commas they are not really needed, because at the end of most lines, it just continues to that same sentence, and cutting off the like with a comma between makes me think that it is choppy.


Stanzas:
I would add some stanzas for you to give more ideas. Like it goes from the heart to , brain. I would make that a whole new stanza, so that it shows that there is a difference. Because, I almost didnt even notice that it was there. lol.

Favorite lines:

You have to fight the world,

To make him yours.

Sorry for the interruption,

I am your brain

Here to tell you that,


OVERALL:
I loved this, you portrayed your emotion perfectly.

I hope that its was not too harsh or anything.

keep writing,

~B E L L
:D






Thanks, bell... It is helpful. I wrote it into stanza but it didn't work.. Maybe because I uploaded this by my cellphone.thank you for the review.





Thanks, bell... It is helpful. I wrote it into stanza but it didn't work.. Maybe because I uploaded this by my cellphone.thank you for the review.




I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor