Hi Stormblessed! I'm here for the review you request ages ago - I'm so sorry it took me so long, school and life have been hectic! But I'm trying to catch up on my request thread, so here I am for a very very belated review c:
General comments first ~
Oh my goodness things are starting to feel hopeless! I'm curious to know what happens next since it seems like there's no way the Gorlacs can't win. But I'm guessing there's a plot twist coming up, unless this just ends up being a tragic story and the bad guys win <.<
Your grammar is nearly impeccable, again, so no general comments about that - just a couple of very small things down in the nitpicks section.
You're also still doing a great job of switching between POVs without getting confusing. (Also, I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I love the names of the characters/creatures - Gorlacs, Jakos, Namorian ~ I love the fantasy vibes I'm getting.)
One critique I have is to try and use more emotional, rather than matter-of-fact, language. For example instead of "the enemy line advanced" -> "the enemy line oozed forward, lapping at the defense with ease". Instead of "his heart sped up" -> "his heart shivered faster and faster until it felt like it would escape his ribcage". That helps to really draw the reader into the story and create more vivid scenes and emotions! I gave a few specific examples from the story in my comments below, but it's just something I'd suggest looking out for when you're editing, maybe, to see where you can spice up word choice.
Nitpicks ~
"Form up!" He bellowed, shocking them into action. They jumped to attention, forming once more into a solid shield wall, though it was much smaller than it had originally been.
Because of the way the verb "forming" works, "into" is actually unnecessary here - I'd either take out "into" or change "forming" into "moving", just for grammatical accuracy!
Also, here's a chance to use emotional language. If Fallin sees that their numbers have shrunk significantly, he'd probably be worried. Even just phrasing it more like "though their numbers had shrivelled into half their original size", would convey more of a negative emotion for the reader.
Jakos scrambled back into the line of shields. He was so tired.
Again, try to convey how tired Jakos was with tone, rather than just straight out saying he was "so tired". Something like "his armor clung heavily to his sweaty skin and pulled at his aching muscles" would work well - though of course feel free to use your own language and description!
After that it was utter chaos. Hairy bodies poured through the newly made hole, flinging themselves at the line of infantry. Jakos fought with all he had, but it wasn't enough. Men all around him fell, gaping wounds weeping blood.
This is an incredibly advanced critique, but since your writing is so strong already, I thought I'd bring it up. The scene goes from tired fighting to utter chaos, so you could use this shift in energy as a chance to change up the writing style ever so slightly. By that I mean, change the sentence length around depending on the mood. When the soldiers are tired and dreary, use longer, heavier sentences. When everything turns to complete chaos, try using short, choppy sentences! One possible way to make this paragraph "choppier" would be:
After that it was utter chaos. Hairy bodies poured through the newly made hole. The enemies flung themselves at the line of infantry. Jakos fought with all he had - but his weary energy wasn't enough. All around him men fell. As he looked around him he saw gaping wounds weeping blood.
Maybe not exactly like that, but hopefully you get the idea! Changing sentence length can really help to show a change in action and mood. (Also, while we're here, can I just say that "gaping wounds weeping blood is such a poetic description! <3)
A sudden flash of blinding pain as a Gorlac hewed through his shield with an axe.
*There was a sudden flash
Jakos nodded. That was all he could manage.
Poor Jakos <3
They teared through the streets, heading straight for the command tower.
*Tore
There were a few tense minutes where everybody stood tensely, hearing the distant sound of battle below.
This is really little but I'd just suggest trading one of these out for a different adjective/adverb, so "tense" isn't repeated - strained, stiff/ly, anxious/ly, and agitated would all be possible synonyms!
"Sir? I- um." He swallowed. "G-good luck."
Trena met his gaze, understanding what was left unsaid. "You too, Colonel."
Ohh my heartstrings </3
As their eyes met, Ashe was shocked by the animalistic look in the Gorlacs eyes. They were brutal eyes, with no irises, just pupils that filled the eye with a black pit.
I love love love this description!! It also gives a lovely break from just descriptions of fighting and injuries.
"I'm sorry, sir." He whispered. "We failed."
nuuuuuu :/
With his good arm, he reached for his general's cold hand, and tears ran down his cheeks as he knew: this was the end.
This is such a sad and bittersweet way to end part three.
Overall, this was another very strong part. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it, and I hope this review is helpful - I'm so sorry, again, for the long delay!
Keep writing,
whatcha
Points: 22098
Reviews: 455
Donate