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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Mar: Part 1

by Overwatchful


Mar wasn't always like this, His voice harsh and gravelly, his throat and neck mangled and scarred. He had once been whole and handsome, with a voice and demeanor that girls swooned at. But that had all changed on that day. That fateful day. Mar bowed his head as the memories came rushing in.

Kovty walked along the road that led to the castle. He'd just returned from his latest mission for the king, his favorite kind, aggressive negotiations. Those type of missions were rare, usually King Dorel like to be all diplomatic and make a big showing being polite. But, if diplomacy didn't work and the guy was going to be a problem, he asked Kovty to do what he did best: intimidation. That didn't mean that Kovty was all brawn. He was the son of the First General, so that had meant many years of studying besides the then-prince before being allowed to take any kind of command. Those years hadn't been too boring, he had spent much of the time in weapons training with his father. Then, at 16, he had finally been allowed to become a real soldier, but it had quickly become apparent that he was better as a bodyguard and assassin. So now he did stuff like this. And it was amazing.

Kovty walked into the grand hall of the castle. He could see ambassadors and representatives from various countries and kingdoms, council members, and servants serving drinks and whatnot. Kovty stood there a moment, nodding to the guards on either side of the door, and then scanning the crowd for the king. There he was, talking to a council member. Kovty walked over, nodding to the council member, then clapping Dorel on the shoulder.

"Kovty!" The king exclaimed. "Good to see you. The mission went well?"

"Of course! Prime Reotal is perfectly willing to hold off his armies. After a little convincing, of course"

Dorel smiled. "I can always count on you." Then his face fell a little. "There's something I have to talk to you about. When I'm finished with this, I'll meet you in the Library. "

Kovty nodded. It couldn't be too serious, otherwise Dorel would've sent a messenger to get him while he was still in Arneth. He took the time while he was waiting to greet the kings sister, Bethra, and grab a drink from one of the servants scuttling around. Then when Dorel nodded to him, he headed to the Library. The Library was one of the greatest knowledge stores in the world. Five stories of bookshelves and archives, almost always full of scholars. Dorel had a private reading room, and Kovty followed him towards it. Once they arrived, Dorel pulled some maps off a shelf, and spread them on the mahogany table in the center of the room. Kovty walked over and looked at the maps. The maps were of the Tamor kingdom and the surrounding princedoms.

"I hate asking you to do this, since you just got back," Dorel said "but the the Head Advisor to the king of Tamor is advising him against allying with us."

"You want me to assassinate him?"

"We need his trade routes." Dorel said. "Only then can we expand our influence as far as we have planned." His eyes sparked "I will make this kingdom strong." He declared, planting his fist on the table. The kingdom of Daetax was young, Dorel only being its second king. He was determined to gain influence and a lasting foothold in the world, and so far, it was working.

Dorel pointed to a place on the map. The capital city of Tamor. "I need you to 'strongly encourage' the Head Advisor to reverse his counsel, but if that fails, remove him."

Kovty nodded. "It will be done." Then he folded his arms and sighed. "I was looking forward to staying for a while, at least for the Midyear feast tomorrow night."

Dorel shrugged. "I'll make it up to you, when you come back."

Kovty sighed. He'd hadn't been to a Daetax feast for weeks, and Midyear was one of the biggest ones. "I'll leave in the morning."

"Very well. Until then, you're off duty. Take some time to yourself."

Kovty did just that. He stopped by a cafe to grab some of Daetaxs signature stuffed pies, then went to visit his father. His father was less of a general now and more of a military advisor, but he still had a commander's presence. A cousin of Dorels was the current First General, and didn't do too bad of a job. Then he went looking for his other best friend, a bartender in the west side of town. After that, he went and did his mission prep. He studied the Advisor, the map of the castle in Tamor City, and the best routes into the city without being recognized. Once he was satisfied with that, he went to bed.

He was awakened the next morning by the sunrise peeking in through his window. He got dressed into his traveling clothes, packed his stuff, then carefully hung his razordisks on his belt. The razordisks were Kovty's prized possession. They were one of the few relics left over from the Era of Mystics. It was often said that weapons of this kind weren't found, they found you. Using bonding runes inscribed along the edges, he could control they're every move with his handmotions. He'd become quite proficient at that over the years.

Once all his stuff was packed, he headed down to the kitchens to grab breakfast, and pack supplies for later. Then he mounted his horse, and was off.

The kingdom of Tamor was about a two day ride away, over the Shevu Mountains. Kovty wouldn't be taking the main road, there was a smaller path leftover from when the Kopin people still roamed the mountains. Kovty preferred this road, there was less people to see him, so it was less likely that news would get to Tamor of his coming.

It was a peaceful trip, and Kovty rode well into the evening. Then he stopped, hobbled his horse, and set up camp. He cooked a bean porridge for himself, and ate it morosely, thinking of the Midyear Feast happening right then back in Daetax right now. What a way to spend Midyear. He thought. Once he was done, he rolled out his mat, and laid down. He was asleep within minutes.

.....

He was awakened by rough hands grabbing him in the dark. He struck out wildly, instantly alert. His fist connected with something, but more hands appeared, forcing him down and binding his hands. He kicked out, hitting someone, who grunted and fell back. He efforts were rewarded by a expert blow to the head, knocking him out.

Kovty was awoken by someone splashing cold water in his face. He shook his head, trying to get his bearings. He's hands, were tied together with a rope, and the other end of that rope was attached to the ceiling. His toes barely touched the ground. There was someone in front of him, a man with a long thin scar crossing his face. He stood imperiously, staring up at Kovty.

"So this is the great assassin of Daetax." He said, scoffing. His accent was from the Tamor kingdom. How had they known Kovty was coming?

"You don't seem so great, now, do you?" The man continued. He turned and picked up somthing from a table nearby. Kovtys razordisks. "Once I'm done with you, I think I'll send one of these back to the young king of Daetax. Perhaps along with your head. That should teach him not to mess with the Elder City." He turned back to Kovty. "It's too bad, really, you seem a very talented young man. It's almost a shame to kill you." He gestured to someone behind Kovty. "Get what information you can out of him, then kill him." He turned again, walking out the door. The man behind Kovty stalked into his field of view. "This will be a pleasure." He walked up close to Kovtys face. "It's been a while since I had someone young and healthy." Kovty responded by smashing his head into the mans face. The man stumbled back, cursing, his nose starting to bleed.

"You've got spirit." He grinned through the blood. "It will be entertaining to break that."

......

Kovty didn't remember much over the next couple.... hours? Days? Weeks? Just pain. But he didn't say a word. Kovty gave no information, only screams. Finally, blessedly, it stopped. He hung there, nearly unconscious. He faintly heard his torturer talking to someone.

"He won't give." The man grumbled. "Should I just kill him?"

The other man responded "Try once more, but use the Collar. He'll either talk or die."

"Yes, sir."

Kovty heard him pick up something. He walked over to Kovty. He lifted it up and locked it around Kovtys neck. Kovty could feel the points of thin spikes lining the inside of the collar.

"Now," his torturer said. "This is the Collar. It's pretty simple. If you don't talk, I tighten the spikes. If you do, then I don't tighten them. Understood?"

Kovty didn't respond. He no longer had the energy to.

"Alright then. Let's get started."

Kovty still said nothing.

"What was your mission?"

No response.

The spikes tightened.

The pain was far worse than anything so far. Kovty screamed. His torturer laughed.

"The Kings best warrior? Imagine how he would feel to see you screaming like a child." He bent closer "Just tell me what I want to know, and the pain will stop."

Kovty remained silent, blood trickling down his neck.

The man shrugged. "Very well then." He tightened the spikes again.

Kovty blacked out from the pain.

.......

He could faintly hear voices. It was the torturer, and his boss.

"Dump him deep in the mountains. He doesn't deserve a quick death. We'll send a piece of his hair and one of his weapons back to King Dorel."

"Yes, my lord."

Blackness claimed Kovty once again.

He awoke. He was laying facedown on grass. He tried to lift his head, and almost fainted again. His neck was covered with dried blood. It was hard to breathe, and it hurt.

Have.. to get... to shelter. He thought. Have to... find... help.

But his body refused to work. After a few tries, Kovty gave up. He just... couldn't do it. It was pointless to try. He lay his face back down, and closed his eyes as it started to rain.

He felt arms picking him up, and a soft voice speaking to him. "It's all right, son. You're safe. Don't try to move, it will only make it worse."

Kovty didn't have the energy to resist. He faded in and out of consciousness as the arms carried him a ways, the placed him in some sort of cart. They rode for a while, then they stopped, and the man walked back around to Kovty. Kovty didn't have the energy to open his eyes, but he heard other people nearby, so they must have come to some sort of village. The arms picked him back up, and gently bore him into a house nearby. They placed him down onto something soft, then moved off. Kovty lay there for a while, then finally drifted out of consciousness again. He stayed that way for a long while.


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Thu Jun 18, 2020 3:54 pm
LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey there, Storm! Here comes Lee to review your story!
I really liked it. But I'll begin by pointing out all the things I felt have scope for improvement. If I'm too critical, I apologise. I'm just trying to help you improve this fascinating story!

Mar wasn't always like this, His voice harsh and gravelly, his throat and neck mangled and scarred. He had once been whole and handsome, with a voice and demeanor that girls swooned at. But that had all changed on that day. That fateful day. Mar bowed his head as the memories came rushing in.

This was a very abrupt beginning. There was no clear start, and it doesn't seem relevant to the story so far. And how about using italics so it's clear where the recollections start?
*"His" should not be capitalized.
Instead of saying "on that day", just say "one day".


"Of course! Prime Reotal is perfectly willing to hold off his armies. After a little convincing, of course"

*fullstop necessary at the ending of this!
And this seems just a little unrealistic; if this man, Prime Reotal, is on the verge of war, I don't think he would be intimidated very easily. Besides, the king should have heard of his decision even before Kotvy tells him.


Kovty did just that. He stopped by a cafe to grab some of Daetaxs signature stuffed pies, then went to visit his father. His father was less of a general now and more of a military advisor, but he still had a commander's presence. A cousin of Dorels was the current First General, and didn't do too bad of a job. Then he went looking for his other best friend, a bartender in the west side of town. After that, he went and did his mission prep. He studied the Advisor, the map of the castle in Tamor City, and the best routes into the city without being recognized. Once he was satisfied with that, he went to bed.

This was very rushed. Spend more time describing what happened, the city, and his friends. Not with too much detail, but not this briefly either.


He was awakened the next morning

He was awoken


*just "woken" will do it.

Once all his stuff was packed

If you're trying to go for an epic feel, avoid using words like "stuff". It makes the writing informal.

he could control they're every move with his handmotions.

*they're is the abbreviated form of "they are". The word you're looking for here is "their".
And instead of "handmotions", try saying "with the motions of his hand".

What a way to spend Midyear. He thought.

A comma should replace the fullstop after "Midyear."

He's hands, were tied together with a rope, and

*his
And remove the commas, they are completely unnecessary and have been used improperly.

The whole thing with the Collar was very unrealistic! The neck is pretty vulnerable, no one seeking to torture someone would go for it. It could very easily kill him! I suggest you use it on another body part. Perhaps his leg.

He awoke

*woke

He stayed that way for a long while.

Remove this sentence; it isn't a fitting ending. Otherwise it was fine.


Okay. Overall, good job! The worldbuilding seems fairly solid and well done, and I look forward to seeing more of that. The protagonist was a bit too perfect for my taste, but he was fine as well. I do like the names, they all sound pretty cool. I hope you kep writing.
Once again, I'm sorry if my review was too critical!
Let me know when you publish the rest of this story.
- Lee




Overwatchful says...


Thanks for pointing out the typos! I would've thought that I had gotten all of them by now, I've done so much editing. This is a short story, so I'm sorry if some parts feel a bit rushed. You're right about most of my writing mistakes, and I'm not trying to be rude, but you are wrong about a few of them. Awoken is the proper verb here, and there is supposed to be a full stop after Midyear, since that is the end of his thought.
And if the Collar was used on his leg, the whole point of it is lost since then it doesn't ruin his voice! Kovty is tough as nails, and this isn't a character growth story for him. If anything, he ends this story lower than when he started.
Thank you for your feedback, and I do appreciate your criticism, even if it is hard to hear sometimes.



LittleLee says...


Glad I could be of help.



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Points: 771
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Wed Jun 17, 2020 11:39 pm
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JasmineFelicia wrote a review...



I really like how you started the story off with a flashback, then show us his friendship with the king and then why his voice was harsh and gravelly!
In the line where Kovty says '"It will be done." . . . "I was looking forward to staying for a while, at least for the Midyear feast tomorrow night"', the reference to Midyear feast is a nice part of the sentence, because it shows that there is already a whole world set up with existing history and culture, and the readers are merely people who are diving into it from a different culture.
Now, in the last sentence, you repeated the name Kovty a lot, so you might want to use more pronouns.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this and can't wait for more!




Overwatchful says...


Thanks for the feedback!
(To be honest this is my favorite story I've written so far.%uD83D%uDE01)





Anytime! (It is a really good story)




What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice