Hey Storm, Apricity here again! And now I'm all up to date with your novel. I'll try and not repeat any of the previous points. Reading the introduction to this chapter, this is where a pre-planned attack would benefit the situation, because at the moment it appears that all the Scouts are just scattering off into different directions.
I noticed that in this chapter, Caden as a character is singular at the moment. I say singular because I haven't seen the other facets as of him. Take a look at this article here which gives you some great advice on writing a well-rounded character. At the moment, Caden is all action and no thoughts. We need to see some of the internal processing of emotion as well. Characters are like people, in order to get to know someone, they'd have to share their feelings to you, open up. At the moment, I don't feel that we're being opened to Caden. For example, you've written here that
Caden ran out into the clearing, seeing the other cadets running alongside him. He paused for a moment. What should he do? This was the first real combat he had ever experienced.
How does seeing the other cadets running alongside him make him feel? Does he feel supported, a sense of comaradeship? Being engaged in battle, in such a dire circumstance as well is usually a distressing experience, Caden's mind would be a cauldron of emotions but we see none of that. You could add something like this onto the end of the quoted section, Caden felt the blood ricochet in his ear, he felt the cadence of its rhythm in match of his own fast-paced heartbeat. His throat was constricted and his mind, was a borderless pool of confusion and fear. You don't have to add in imagery like me, although imagery is an efficient way to appeal to the reader's emotion because it links something to a familiar and relatable object. But, you can describe things in other ways. As long as it unveils what Caden's own emotional response is to the situation, it'll do the trick.
It occurs again here,
I hope that by pulling these out, next time you write your chapter you can self-identify when you do this and correct it. Here, you have indeed described how Caden feels, but, it's not in concordance with the situation at hand. You say, marvelling at the blood, but you don't expand into the other emotions Caden is feeling. Slow down for a moment, and ask yourself. This is a fresh Scout, and this is his first time killing a scolopendra, what feelings would he going through his head? Might there be fear, that he would mess up the kill, is it reluctance to kill the monster. How does he feel after killing it? You want to show us as many emotions as possible, so that we can get a fuller image of who Caden is as a person.He looked at the blade in his hand, marvelling at the blood smeared across the steel.
If i'm not making sense, maybe this example will help. Say I come up to you, and say. 'Imagine an orange, it's round, it's ripe and it's kinda fragrant.' (The image you have in your head is a pretty vague one, and or an orange in general.'
But what if I say. 'Imagine an orange, it's round but the top is smaller than the bottom. The orange's colour is a rich and vibrant orange, when I lift it to my nose its fragrance brings to my mind the warmth of the sun in which it grew under.'
Out of the two examples, the second example would enable to envision the orange better because it was more specific and covered more senses than the first.
Moving onto the flashback, I like it and I don't like it. I'll tell you why, I like it because it gives us a glimpse into Caden's past, and you have picked the perfect place for this flashback. So kudos for that. But what I don't like is that consequence of this flashback, this was in front of a gaping scolopendra about to gobble Caden up. I know that this flashback may have only lasted a second, but it's longer enough to be dangerous in a battle, and you need to reflect that.
I don't want to ramble too long with the assumably illegal experiments conducted by the scientists. But, assuming the King put them there I find it strange that there is no guards, no security, nothing. Another question is, why are they conducting this in a scolopendra nest? (Isn't that dangerous?) When you write scenes, ask yourself whether it is veritable and whether something like this would work in the real world. Although this is fantasy, it still follows rules of logic and sequencing. To contextualise, say if the CIA (CIA because I can't think of anything else off the top of my head) were to conduct some illegal experiments regarding a dangerous animal. Would they leave such a base unguarded, and place it somewhere where people might stumble onto?
I know most of this review is criticism, but I'm enjoying this story. I just want to help you grow as a writer, and if there is anything you don't agree with or if you have any questions regarding what I say. Please, please send me a PM. I love it when reviewers respond to my reviews (so I can write better ones.)
-Apricity
Points: 561
Reviews: 476
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