z

Young Writers Society


16+ Language

Scolopendra chapter 4

by inktopus


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

As it charged, the commander leaped into action. It seemed as though his gun had materialized into his hand. He aimed and shot, a loud crack echoing throughout the forest. The bullet hit the scolopendra in the center of its head, but was nothing more than a nuisance to it. Still, the creature turned to face the commander who had unsheathed his blade, the steel glinting in the light.

Commander Schaefer did not wait for the scolopendra to come to him. Instead, he raced towards it. It reared, allowing him to stab his blade into the unprotected flesh below. The scolopendra dropped the top part of its body, Schaefer only just rolling out of the way. “Engage!” he shouted. He stood upright and charged again, embedding his blade into a gap in the plates.

Caden ran out into the clearing, seeing the other cadets running alongside him. He paused for a moment. What should he do? This was the first real combat he had ever experienced.

He had to do something, anything! Working quickly, he recalled his training. Aim for the back; it bleeds quicker. He took a deep breath and chose a target. It was fighting with another cadet facing it head on.

He charged, raising his sword high and bringing it down inside a chink in its armor. Blue blood began to flow from the wound. Caden pulled his weapon from the animal, stunned by his own actions.

He looked at the blade in his hand, marvelling at the blood smeared across the steel. He looked up again, finally truly prepared to fight. He stopped dead in his tracks. The scolopendra had turned to regard him; he faced wicked pincers, fully equipped to kill him.

Frozen, he remembered that day. The day his whole world had fallen apart and all he had known had been taken from him. The day those wretched creatures, the scolopendra, had attacked his home.

He was there when the first of them had arrived. The Garrison, who should have protected them, never rang the warning bell. Those keeping watch were too drunk to do their jobs properly.

The scolopendra came all at once, not hesitating for even a moment, to murder everyone they possibly could. He ran home to his mother, he needed to warn her about what was coming. He burst inside, breathless. No time to explain, he just grabbed her by the wrist, pulling her outside.

He didn’t bother telling her what was going on, he only focused on getting the both of them to the safehouse. But suddenly she stopped, he was pulled back with a jerk. “Why did you stop?” he asked, tugging at her arm. “We have to go!”

His mother didn’t speak, she only stared and slowly she raised her hand, pointing beyond the both of them. He turned to see what she saw and he too, was frozen. A scolopendra was not 15 feet away from them, its head turned their way.

Far too quickly for a creature of its size, it raced towards them. His mother pushed him away from her, “Run!” she screamed.

Dazed, he obeyed, too frightened to think about her request, at least until he looked back. The scolopendra, the monster, held his mother in its jaws. He didn’t shout, he didn’t cry, he didn’t even move. He only stood as that horrible, terrifying monster crushed his mother in between its jaws.

He watched as it unfolded, time slowing down. He saw every minute detail. The way blood dripped down its body, the way she sagged in its grip, for a moment, he could almost smell the blood that left her body as she died in slow motion.

Then time sped up, the ground loosened its hold on Caden’s feet and he ran. He ran to safety. He was safe. His mother had died.

The end of the memory brought him back to the present, still in the face of the scolopendra. His breath hitched as it darted towards him to catch him in its jaws. Panicked, he ran just like he had all those years ago. Nothing had changed. He hadn’t changed at all. He was still that same scared little boy.

Caden didn’t think where he was running. He just wanted to be away from the fighting and the monsters. The demons that had haunted his dreams since he was ten years old. He didn’t notice that it was dark and that he could see the sky until he was far into the tunnel.

Caden had fled into the nest of the scolopendra. For a moment, he was alarmed. What would the commander think? What would the other cadets think? But then he noticed something. A light.

It was just up ahead, deeper into the cavern rather than a way out. Curious, and with no regard to his wellbeing, he continued into the tunnel. As he approached, Caden could hear soft voices. Human voices.

He had enough presence of mind to press himself against the wall, inching closer to the cave. He listened quietly, wondering who could possibly be in a scolopendra nest.

“I think that’s the last of it,” a distinctly male voice said roughly.

“Why are we even doing this?” a younger voice asked. “Aren’t we supposed to kill these things?”

“I dunno,” the gruff voice said. “Just do as you’re told and you get paid. Don’t question your orders.”

The younger man sighed before a thump. “All done,” he said. “Let’s get out of here. This place reeks.”

“You get used to it,” the older man said. Caden heard footsteps. He braved a peek around the corner. He looked around the room, it was large and dug from packed earth like the rest of the nest, but his eyes were drawn to the two men.

He couldn’t see their faces, only the backs of them. They looked to be climbing up a ladder and they both wore a blue uniform with the king’s seal on the back. Caden held his breath, leaning his back against the wall.

He heard the clang of metal on metal and he dared to look around the corner again. The room was empty. He released the breath he had been holding and slowly walked into the room. The smell hit him like a brick wall. The stench of rotting meat.

Inside the room, he found ravaged animal carcasses and splintered wood. Splintered wood? Caden looked around the room for any clues. He spotted dozens of crates stacked on top of one another. He wandered closer, prying off the lid of one of the crates.

Immediately he regretted it, the box was filled to the brim with the bodies of dead animals. Why? Caden shook his head, trying not to breathe too deeply. There was no time to think. He had to report back to the Commander. He had to say something.


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Sat Feb 11, 2017 8:02 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Hey Storm, Apricity here again! And now I'm all up to date with your novel. I'll try and not repeat any of the previous points. Reading the introduction to this chapter, this is where a pre-planned attack would benefit the situation, because at the moment it appears that all the Scouts are just scattering off into different directions.

I noticed that in this chapter, Caden as a character is singular at the moment. I say singular because I haven't seen the other facets as of him. Take a look at this article here which gives you some great advice on writing a well-rounded character. At the moment, Caden is all action and no thoughts. We need to see some of the internal processing of emotion as well. Characters are like people, in order to get to know someone, they'd have to share their feelings to you, open up. At the moment, I don't feel that we're being opened to Caden. For example, you've written here that

Caden ran out into the clearing, seeing the other cadets running alongside him. He paused for a moment. What should he do? This was the first real combat he had ever experienced.


How does seeing the other cadets running alongside him make him feel? Does he feel supported, a sense of comaradeship? Being engaged in battle, in such a dire circumstance as well is usually a distressing experience, Caden's mind would be a cauldron of emotions but we see none of that. You could add something like this onto the end of the quoted section, Caden felt the blood ricochet in his ear, he felt the cadence of its rhythm in match of his own fast-paced heartbeat. His throat was constricted and his mind, was a borderless pool of confusion and fear. You don't have to add in imagery like me, although imagery is an efficient way to appeal to the reader's emotion because it links something to a familiar and relatable object. But, you can describe things in other ways. As long as it unveils what Caden's own emotional response is to the situation, it'll do the trick.

It occurs again here,
He looked at the blade in his hand, marvelling at the blood smeared across the steel.
I hope that by pulling these out, next time you write your chapter you can self-identify when you do this and correct it. Here, you have indeed described how Caden feels, but, it's not in concordance with the situation at hand. You say, marvelling at the blood, but you don't expand into the other emotions Caden is feeling. Slow down for a moment, and ask yourself. This is a fresh Scout, and this is his first time killing a scolopendra, what feelings would he going through his head? Might there be fear, that he would mess up the kill, is it reluctance to kill the monster. How does he feel after killing it? You want to show us as many emotions as possible, so that we can get a fuller image of who Caden is as a person.

If i'm not making sense, maybe this example will help. Say I come up to you, and say. 'Imagine an orange, it's round, it's ripe and it's kinda fragrant.' (The image you have in your head is a pretty vague one, and or an orange in general.'

But what if I say. 'Imagine an orange, it's round but the top is smaller than the bottom. The orange's colour is a rich and vibrant orange, when I lift it to my nose its fragrance brings to my mind the warmth of the sun in which it grew under.'

Out of the two examples, the second example would enable to envision the orange better because it was more specific and covered more senses than the first.

Moving onto the flashback, I like it and I don't like it. I'll tell you why, I like it because it gives us a glimpse into Caden's past, and you have picked the perfect place for this flashback. So kudos for that. But what I don't like is that consequence of this flashback, this was in front of a gaping scolopendra about to gobble Caden up. I know that this flashback may have only lasted a second, but it's longer enough to be dangerous in a battle, and you need to reflect that.

I don't want to ramble too long with the assumably illegal experiments conducted by the scientists. But, assuming the King put them there I find it strange that there is no guards, no security, nothing. Another question is, why are they conducting this in a scolopendra nest? (Isn't that dangerous?) When you write scenes, ask yourself whether it is veritable and whether something like this would work in the real world. Although this is fantasy, it still follows rules of logic and sequencing. To contextualise, say if the CIA (CIA because I can't think of anything else off the top of my head) were to conduct some illegal experiments regarding a dangerous animal. Would they leave such a base unguarded, and place it somewhere where people might stumble onto?

I know most of this review is criticism, but I'm enjoying this story. I just want to help you grow as a writer, and if there is anything you don't agree with or if you have any questions regarding what I say. Please, please send me a PM. I love it when reviewers respond to my reviews (so I can write better ones.)

-Apricity




inktopus says...


There's one thing I should probably clarify. The men weren't experimenting on the Scolopendra. They were providing them with food. Thanks so much for the review. I'll definitely take these thoughts I to consideration when I edit this.



Apricity says...


Oh damn, ok. These two liens misled me '%u201CWhy are we even doing this?%u201D a younger voice asked. %u201CAren%u2019t we supposed to kill these things?%u201D

%u201CI dunno,%u201D the gruff voice said. %u201CJust do as you%u2019re told and you get paid. Don%u2019t question your orders.%u201D'.

Especially the kill part, could you perhaps include a scene where we see them physically handing food over? Bad assumption on my part, I'll try and refrain from it in future reviews.



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Thu Feb 09, 2017 12:01 am
Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Steggy here for a review!

I haven't read the previous chapters so if I get anything wrong, let me know!

The beginning of this chapter is little confusing, but mainly that would be because I have't read the previous chapters but I do like to mention how you start off with suspense. Like, I want to know what is going to happen next. Most people, including myself, have a hard time writing action scenes but you seem to pull it off nicely.
Another thing I like how about this chapter is the pacing of scenes. I was wondering as to why they were fighting the scolopendra (which I'm thinking a monster)? Perhaps it is possibly attacking the village that the main character lives at? For some, when I think of a scolopendra, I think of a big alien with a slim body that moves really fast and bleeds, as you said, blue blood. Perhaps it could be a little helpful if you could describe the scolopendra a little bit in this chapter to give a visual to the reader.

When you have thoughts of a story, it is better if you have them in some form different from your writing portion. Like, italics or bold. For example, I thought, perhaps I could give him the chocolate milk for the slushie type of thing. Writers alike do this without even realizing and decide to just leave it as it is because we don't see it there. We just assume it's part of the text of whatever we're writing.
In the beginning, where did the commander leap out of? Like, from behind a tree? Outside a camp? Where does this scene take place at? You mention a forest of some sort but what's the weather like? I'm guessing rainy because that's where most battle scenes take place :P

It seemed as though his gun had materialized into his hand.


Your word choice with materialized make it seem like his weapon appeared at random and it makes me think did he lose his weapon before the battle? But like I said, you might've mentioned it before in the past chapters about him losing his weapon; it might be best if you hint at it, if you haven't.

The bullet hit the scolopendra in the center of its head, but was nothing more than a nuisance to it. Still, the creature turned to face the commander who had unsheathed his blade, the steel glinting in the light.


Where you transition to the next sentence, be careful not to make it seem out of place. Like, have to where you can pick off from where you ended to begin somewhere else. Basically, get rid of the 'still' because it sounds a little better that way. Also, the reader can assume the commander had a gun but where did he put it at? You should state somewhere or at least hint he put it in his pocket or somewhere else because the reader's imagination can run wild.
I think the main problem with this paragraph is the sudden placement of things, like the sword. I'm guessing he had a sword on his back? Or perhaps, it was around his stomach like a belt?

Instead, he raced towards it. It reared, allowing him to stab his blade into the unprotected flesh below.


Who and where they are standing are important for battle scenes. At first, I thought they were battling on a flat surface but when you said 'below' that made me think they were floating around(?) or something. I wouldn't mention 'it' twice, either. It's okay to say the creature again or some other word besides creature; if you continue the habit of writing the same word throughout the story, you won't even notice. But no one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes. That's understandable. We learn and grow. That sorta thing.

The pacing, as I said before, is nice but there are times where you seem to just go too fast. Like, you don't have enough description for the reader to imagine the battle scene. I suggest reading up on some battle scenes to see some author set it up; it usually good to see how other people do things and pick up on that. ^^

Caden ran out into the clearing, seeing the other cadets running alongside him. He paused for a moment.


I'm sorry but what if he stopped running and one of the cadets just ran straight into him, causing him to be pushed into the ground. XD
I feel like 'racing' would be better instead of 'running' because it gives me that actiony feeling for whatever is going to happen next.

It was fighting with another cadet facing it head on.


Like I mentioned before, it's always good to have the creature or the scolopendra instead of it. xP

Right where he was caught between the scolopendra, Caden has a flashback. When writing about flashbacks, it is always important to stay in the past tense and not to wary far from the future/present tense. It's always hard and like I said, writers make mistakes they can't always catch. There are some places in the middle section that follows just that. I would rereading over the last few parts because, for me, I thought it was happening during the battle. Like, the scene with his mother in between the scolopendra's mouth. Another thing about flashbacks is when you have then, they should be different from the text surrounding it. Kinda like what you would do with thoughts of the main character.

He heard the clang of metal on metal and he dared to look around the corner again. The room was empty.


I think were you have 'metal on metal' can be rephrased to 'the clang of metal' to show that they had the locked the door. Because when you have metal on metal, well, that doesn't have a nice sound to it.
The ending of this chapter feels a bit, rushed? Like, he finds the room and just leaves. If I were him, I would walk around and figure out what the heck is happening. But he did make the right choice of going to talk to the commander.

Overall, this was a nice read. The characters in here (spare for the two mysterious people who are working for the crown) are interesting and wide-ranged. I really want to know what happens in the next chapter, so if you publish it, tag me! :D

If you have any questions, let me know!

Steggy




inktopus says...


I just realized that there's an entire sequence that isn't italicized. I'll fix that. You may understand the chapter better if you reread it with that bit fixed. I had it in italics in the document, but it must not have transferred over. Thanks for the review, and I'll be sure to tag you when I post more chapters.



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Wed Feb 08, 2017 2:18 am
Squirtlepowiee wrote a review...



Hello! Squirtlepowiee here for another review!

“He aimed and shot, a loud crack echoing throughout the forest.” Through instead of throughout should be sufficient enough.

“Still, the creature turned to face the commander who had unsheathed his blade, the steel glinting in the light.” I would take out the word still. Since the shot did nothing to the creature, the creature doesn’t “still” anything. If the creature was effected, then still can be used.

“The scolopendra came all at once, not hesitating for even a moment, to murder everyone they possibly could.” This sentence means that the scolopendra aren’t bothering to kill anyone and I don’t think that is what you meant to say. Rephrase it too, “The scolopendra came all at once, not hesitating for even a moment to to kill everyone and anyone they possibly could.”

“Then time sped up, the ground loosened its hold on Caden’s feet and he ran.” There is nothing wrong with this sentence. I love the way how you portrayed the ground as an obstacle. Very well written.

I love your story so far. The writing, style, language, very well blended into a smoothy of a story! I want to see more from you, *follows. Keep writing!


~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee :D





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