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Young Writers Society



Fall In

by SteppenwolfDeSade


The man gazes from his perch, entranced by the crawling ocean beneath the derelict shell of what was, once upon a time, a home. The vanished west wall of the upstairs bedroom gives him a panorama of Dover, a familiar haven.

He observes the distant ants with a longing gaze, far off civilians clustering around the local port. Observing their throbbing passion, heartful embraces of farewell and loving words whispered, all from a distance.

Hypnotised by the pulsating spiral patterns of the monochrome men and their doting admirers, hysterical on propaganda. Clockwork soldiers eager to bite the bullet in the name of heroism.

His ears ring with the naïve maxims that once ricocheted through his mind when he was the one boarding the boat:

"Tomorrow I fall in. I've finally been drafted to fight for the good of the country, like a hero, for King and country and honour and liberty"

Leaning back in his lonely throne he pities the scuttling ants, before dethroning himself to bow before an alluring brown package. In hesitant movements he removes the rancid contents and assembles his instruments of debauchery.

He pauses. Delaying his degeneracy, stalling for an act of God or a roaming bobby to pull him from his path. Nevertheless, he is alone, and no one is coming.

Marching on. He traces for the vein in the crook of his arm before observing the glass chamber eliminate its peculiar contents into his body. He doesn't fight the strange substance. He surrenders himself to the narcotic, as a hostage to vice.

The tide of the alien sensation washes away his mortal weaknesses.

The warmth of the angelic substance coils down his spine, branching in to every nerve at a gradual pace. Vibrating in his veins, its Siren call serenades him, seducing him. Its holy hand animating his stagnant, mortal mind. During this spiritual purification, eons of mindful decadence, eons of ecstatic rapture, were consumed in minutes.

A sharp acceleration in its potency strikes and conquers in a chemical blitzkrieg, a meteoric force at a whirlwind pace. The foreign substance storms across every cell in his body to seize hold of the trenches of his perception, eviscerating the dreadfulness of consciousness to carry the phantasmal projections of his subconscious into the bare space, an unchained mind paints spectral images onto the previously mundane canvas of reality.

Within an instant, mad convulsions were throttling his body, nausea and gagging gouged at his throat desperately purging his blasphemous soul of the demon. Spluttering, spitting and spewing punctuated his sorrowful cries while savage thrashes smash his uninhibited limbs against the ashen surfaces of the desecrated semi. An agonising surge of heat swells from his core, boiling and withering him, like Mercury bled through his veins.

Soon after, his frame went numb and paralysis embraced him.

Startled and shaken, nevertheless, the world was once again in order... somewhat. The heavenly smokescreen still envelops his mesmerised eyes. Ivory strobes of lurid hallucinations glide in fluid, serpentine motions over the surface of his iris until darkness saturates over this divine delusion from the outskirts of his vision.

In the darkness, reality and fantasy intertwine in a vision that resurrects the dormant horrors of his memory.

The dour gloom recedes, revealing a just as dismal grey sky. He is reanimated in some ungodly hellscape. Swarming soldiers scuttle past. He rises and follows, such is his duty.

They move in a united wave, fear stricken lads run towards the wall of hungry guns, towards a sea of sinners feral to wash them away.

Cackling Gatlings and bombarding Blockbusters bludgeon the repugnant sludge, the warning whistle of their descencion flittered before him in soft pastel pinks, shifting to darker gradients of red as it approached terra firma. Violent vermilions separate heaven and earth, before dissipating into the immutable white waves of his squealing inner ear.

His comrades hide horrified eyes behind wincing lids and tin brims, but his eyes are wide open. Mesmerised. Mesmerised, and repulsed, by his unifying, merging senses blending into an orchestra of sensations.

The scents are screaming. A fetid reek of disemboweled bellies. Skinless creatures coil in torture. Agonized shrieks spill from their mouths and writhe in the air, searing into my brain like salt in gouged eyes.

Pink whistling above. He sprints and flings his full weight forward, away from the danger.

A split second weightlessness.

A whistle, a crack and silence.

************************************************************************************************************

Ending 1

A swarm of bobbies hive around a morbid spectacle, discussing possibilities of murder, and suicide, and the damn war, and these foul bombings, and how one constable's son had recently been blown to smithereens in some squalid field in France. Ultimately, they all agreed, just another coward... just another coward taking the easy way out.

As for the sleeping soldier, tranquil eyes watched the departing military boat sail off to their awful war.

Ending 2

Splinters of light, spectral and blinding, lance at his eyes. The morning sun illuminates his shame: glass shattered, vomit splattered and blood bludgeoned into the wallpaper.

His skull throbs feverishly hot, dried blood flakes on his cold forehead. The drugs have abandoned him. But he can still hear the shrill screams of mortar and machine guns, he can still see the Man-eaters dancing on the walls.

A military boat sails off to its awful war, leaving him to fight his own.


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Mon Jun 26, 2017 8:01 pm
RishabhParmar wrote a review...



Hi,

It is a very monstrous story. But It fits in short story section. Because I love unabridged short stories. You are a great story teller. I love when a story teller tells the tale in an unabridged fashion. I love this way of writing. Expand the story, and reader feels each paragraph of the well-crafted story. I loved the way you described it. It took fifteen minutes to read this elegant story(I am a slow reader). But I love to read it. Eating and Reading should be slow to taste every ingredient. I did the same. I spent time on you story. What a piece!

I liked the beginning of the story. "The man gazes from his perch, entranced by the crawling ocean....................". You didn't lack details. You have a good observing power, I guess. I loved each minute details in the story.
"He observes the distant ants with a longing gaze, far off civilians clustering around the local port." I take it as an example, See the beauty in writing. Wow what an elegance. You didn't give an opportunity to get bore on this piece. I didn't feel boredom. I was excited to read further.

When you talked about he heard the maxims.............That part was awesome. He recalled the old maxim. To save the country, for the country..heroism. My efficacy went up. It was high. Very high. Towards the infinity. I can't tell you how blessed I am to read such a piece, and It is my inner feelings I am sharing it with you. Reviewing doesn't only mean criticizing the work of an artist. In my way of thinking, encourage others and tell them to bring good work.


Now I come to the title. You chose Title according to your story. It went in right direction. Till the ending you explained everything in super detailing. That's what I loved most in your Story. NICE.


When I came to the end of the story, I was surprised. I said: "Merlin's Beard, what a good ending." I hope to read it further. I request you to write some more stories like this one. I loved it.



I also sensed something related to Starwars synopsis. The terms you used were out of my course. but I searched them and understood the story.


Keep writing. and Good work!!!






Thankyou very much Rishabh, these are some really encouraging words



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Mon Jun 26, 2017 3:29 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hi there!

So I'm going to second Biscuits' vote and say the second ending is better. I think it clarifies everything that's happened in the middle, when the man in the story was gripped in the confusion of drugs. Additionally, I think the "leaving him to fight on his own" and seeing the PTSD-type flashbacks from the war are more tragic and chilling than his overdose.

I didn't think things got confusing in the middle, but I do feel like they maybe got too prosey. I think it's because, since he's on drugs, almost everything described in the middle is very abstract, so you use all these lovely, poetic words, but the sentences can get a bit lengthy while not really telling us anything. I think chopping the sentences up a bit more - even if that means using more sentence fragments - might help.

Image






Thankyou for your help BlueAfrica, this is great advice :)



BluesClues says...


You're welcome!



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Mon Jun 26, 2017 3:07 pm
ExOmelas wrote a review...



Hello, welcome to the site!

Nit-picks and nice moments:

He observes the distant ants with a longing gaze, far off civilians clustering around the local port.

I really like this image, especially how you don't say that it is an image at first.

its Siren call serenades him

I don't think that needs to be a capital s, makes the sentence a little bit jerky. Like the image though.

eons of mindful decadence, eons of ecstatic

You don't need the second eons and it just makes it a bit clunky. Could maybe replace it with a different word for a long time, since it's hyperbole anyway.

Within an instant, mad convulsions were throttling his body

Random tense switch?

The heavenly smokescreen still envelops his mesmerised eyes

And back again

searing into my brain like salt

Random foray into first person.

Overall:

I'm not quite sure what happens here. I definitely have a man taking drugs, and I definitely have a man far away from the war. The bobbies talking about the soldier taking the easy way out makes me think a soldier used drugs to commit suicide, and I'm not really sure how I got there. The bits that are clear, ie the beginning and the endings are extremely powerful, so I think if you make this clearer you will have something brilliant on your hands.

As for the endings, I prefer the second one. It shows the way that life can be horrible through so many different things, and I think that's a really interesting theme to highlight.

Your description is wonderful and vivid, though sometimes does become too metaphorical too constantly for me to get an idea of the concrete plot to which this is all anchored to.

You change to past tense for a little while so I'm thinking you just wrote this on a couple of separate occasions. Be careful with that, it can really break the immersion.

That's all I have to say here,
Biscuits :)






Thankyou Biscuits, that was really helpful feedback and highlighted issues that I've not considered, thankyou for your help :)



ExOmelas says...


You're welcome :)




It always seems impossible until it's done.
— Nelson Mandela