End Of The World: An Afternoon (1) | ???

Hi there,

I am here to leave you a review!



First of all, I really enjoyed this story. I love your descriptions and the development of the characters. Your dialogue is nice and not too complicated. I love the idea of the whole thoughts youve put in there. Your summary at the beginning before I clicked in this story was the one that catched my eye. Great job!

This unforgiving world was full of wonders and yet I was bound to my village, never to wander too far. With good reason.

Moving alone was a potential nightmare for all who weren't prepared for the treacherous creatures which prey from the sides of every path. Wandering warriors or magicians of the highest calibre were sometimes unmatched when pinned against the wrong opponent.

I had always heard stories of the evil outside, and even the safety of this village was sometimes breached - having our small community huddle within barricades for protection. Spontaneous rampages between this world's creatures was very common, sometimes resulting in the loss of friends, family...

Still, these would fail to eliminate my curiosity.

Located in a blended stack of buildings near this world's only magical lake is where you'll find me.

Inhabiting the lake lived all kinds of life. Mermaids, few species of serpents, or a Capricornus that always makes me uneasy. Those are just to name a few.

I mostly spends my time watching inhabitants of the waters, just while I think of escaping this town and living like a warrior, magician or rogue. Maybe a mercenary could be interesting for me to trial - without accepting contracts against other people... there's enough of that.

Daydreaming is always a great pastime though I'm often spotted. Which leads to an awkward encounter.

This giant body of water is surrounded by decently-populated villages because of that. Good for business.

It's not hard to miss me since masses are always exporting vials of it to one another's kingdoms. The air is becoming polluted by the noise but, fortunately enough, there's enough space for me to find some semblance of peace - and my home happens to be on just the other side of it.

11 years of age messy dull white hair, and one prominent spike skewing to the right. That'll be me.

I'll either be here or nearby. At the porch of my broken-down home, where I watch the children of the village play - never participating myself. If I was lucky, my boredom would be washed away when my brother pays me a visit.

At times he'll come over to inform me with whatever news the town has, since I usually don't pay attention and stick to myself. In fact, if he hadn't come to escort me to the town's shelter last week, I would've been trampled by a leprechaun stampede.

A little younger than me at 9 years of age, dark and relatively tidy hair, and two spikes protruding in both directions.

Keita's "devilish" appearance is easily overshadowed by his soft face, voice and demeanor. His sight completely fixated on the light and ignorant of anything that isn't.

I suppose that's why he has friends and I'm just here.

"One of my buddies from out of town is coming back," Keita offers as he sits nearby, continuing on a carving he's been working on.

In all honesty, I have no idea how to speak in his language...

Avoiding eye contact, I reply as I always do. "Thanks but I have... plans. Things to do. I'll be there next time."

The amount of times he's heard that before.

Keita slinks into his shoulders. "You're always saying that."

Keita once offered me a place in his group but I'd never thought to accept. Too late now. Even so, I'm rarely asked to join in on anything. I'd rather spectate instead.

As the ninth moon appeared in the sky, it was time for the kids to head home.

"I'd better head off too," Keita explains as he spots a few of his friends walking toward us. "But first," he stands and turns to me. "This is for you." Keita presents his experiment.

It's what seemed to be the head of a mouse, with a ribbon underneath on its chest and patterns coming off the sides. Observing it, I try to make out what it was - what relevance this piece had.

After an insulting silence, "It's Faye," Keita blurts.

"Oh. Oh, yes, I see it now," I answer as to not trouble him further.

"You do remember Faye, yes?" The tone in Keita's voice shifts.

"Well, of course, I do. How do you?"

Faye used to be a close friend of mine - a pet I had for a brief moment at age six.

A wounded rabbit I found outside of town. The two of us spent hours together each day, and when I tried to bring her home, Aunty scowled me for housing the animal. I was sent right to whence I came with the blooded rabbit cradled in my shirt.

I took her back to where I found her, built her a quick make-shift shelter and placed her safely underneath. When I sought her out the next day, Faye had vanished, and I haven't seen her since.

"Keita! Let's go."

Their calling revived me from my memory.

"Trix is at the gate," someone continued.

Two boys wait at the steps to the house - a tall dwarven child with a shorter elf to the right of him.

"I'll see you," Keita hands me the item and groups with his friends. "See ya." "Yeah, see ya," the two call back as the three skip away.

"Have fun," I voice lazily.

After a few short moments of sitting in silence, I also find somewhere to be. I head inside, pass by our adoptive parent and her "partner", and enter my roughly furnished room.

Keita and I were handed to our father's sister for caring, and she often had men over in hopes a close relationship would form. Quite sad that they never went far. Having someone to teach me how to handle a gorgon would be sweet. I swish my arm as if holding a sword.

I sit at my desk and eye Keita's totems standing from end to end - from a bear to an octopus. Adding to the collection, I place my recently acquired Faye - and now a rabbit. Looking along the line of small statues, I contemplate for a minute - whether or not to start crafting something in return.

In our room, the furniture inside was made primarily by us two. The desk, which sat opposite the door, beds to the right of the entry on either side of the room, and a window made from a hole we punched in the wall, centred between the beds.

"Tomorrow," I yawn. I get to my feet, stumbles over to my mattress on the left and falls back. I look to Keita's resting place neighbouring mine - absent and empty. I turn to the roof and my eyes shut to allow full access to my mind and mind only.

With all the species on the planet, I was what I consider the most boring - human. Taken from my father. Keita was lucky enough to spawn a spriggan due to our mother having been a forest nymph.

Mother was revered as incompetent from what I've heard and our father had been labelled a traitor. It's safe to assume he was shunned from the village and our mother followed.

I don't know enough to choose sides, but it's not so wrong to believe in them. And why they didn't take us along, it'd be too dangerous.

Before long, I find myself in a slumber.

My first moment of consciousness was being blinded through closed eyes.

All the while a myriad of lightning strikes had burst into a dance around our village, all according to the deafening sound of the storm.

In between the noise of my ears ringing and gods singing, the distant sounds of crowds answered my confused swarm of questions.

Panic.

I jump to my feet and quickly pull myself to the window. Thunder and lightning uproariously take the skies, as far as the eye could see. Waves of the sea more than minutes away rise to unseen measures, and cracks begin to force themselves into the ground like clenched veins.

Keita.

Rushing outside of my room - empty, dark. I notice my aunt had already made it quite a way from the house, rushing toward the village's emergency bunker on her lonesome. Her "partner" stays a ways ahead, nearing safety.

The large dome in the centre of the village, formed by the Council out of some of the strongest materials and magic they could muster.

The ground shakes and throws me off balance.

I head back to my room and equip myself with a satchel, shoving in only minimal items of value, all of which are conveniently available at the desk. An illustrated image of our parents, a similar image with Keita and I mimicking the illustration of our parents, a pouch of "treasures" and coins we found on our adventures, and the carving of Faye I was just given earlier.

I make my way outside with great haste.

The earth rumbles vigorously and the land afar is peppered with flames - the gods must be very upset.

First off, your writing style is really good! You seem to have mastered the difficult art of using just enough dialogue and just the right amount of description. You have excellent word choice, and what you're trying to say really stands out and sits with the reader. I got a good feel for what kind of world the characters live in, and how they probably feel about that world.

I also must appreciate your character development. Keita and Jun (I'm assuming?) are excellent foils for each other and both seem to be highly tangible, believable characters. I'm imagining them looking rather like anime characters due to their "hair spikes." I really like the way you introduced Jun's description (with the: "that would be me") followed immediately by the location at which he can always be found. This also gives the reader a sense of foreshadowing that Jun will eventually not be found there, and end up leaving the safety of the village to explore the rest of the world he's so curious about. The only advice I have about these characters would be just to let you know that you seem to have those both Jun and Keita on the highly mature end of their age range. That, may be entirely purposeful as they live in a village where they probably have hard lives and not a lot of time to act childish, but it is something to keep in mind - if your characters are ages 9 and 11, they would ordinarily be lacking in a lot of maturity, responsibility, and good judgment.

My last comment will be just a matter of opinion (feel free to take it or leave it.) So far, this story depicts Jun as a rather unemotional, stoic character. If that is purposeful, absolutely leave it the way it is. Otherwise, I think it would strongly benefit the story and the depth of your character if you attempted to describe some of the emotion that Jun feels over being trapped in a village in which there is little safety, and loss is always around the corner. Excellent work overall!!