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Under My Bed

by Sree


"There is something under my bed and that's not a monster", I tell myself.

But deep inside my heart knows that's sarcasm.

"The bed tremors", I yell

But It's my body, my heart knows.

I pull myself together and look under the bed.

I see something, uncertainty, that's a terrible monster.

"Who sent the monster here", I whisper.

It turns into a mirror and finally I see the monster crystal clear.

We see what we are, don't we?

The monster was never under the bed.

The mind knows what we are and heart makes us feel it.

And mine tells me I'm the monster and the heart makes me feel the cowardness.

I step down and crawl myself under the bed.

That's where cowards are supposed to dwell.


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Sat Aug 17, 2019 4:53 am
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alliyah says...



Hey Sree, you asked me to take a look at this a while back, and I am just now getting around to it. Thanks for sharing your poem!

This is definitely a fairly interesting and unconventional poem. I like that it's heavy in narrative, and that there is clear conflict and emotion expressed.

I have a few suggestions - I think the constant dialogue in such a short poem is fairly distracting, even taking out the quote marks and dialogue tags would add a bit of flow to this piece. Also I think the imagery could really be expanded. The twist that the monster is actually in the mirror and facing the self is really interesting, I think that for a body/image poem it could use a lot more imagery as well, which would really help the poem stand out and resonate I believe.

Looking forward to reading more of your poems.

~alliyah




Sree says...


Thank you very much for your valuable suggestions. I'll take that sincerely. Thanks again for the help :)



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Thu Aug 08, 2019 12:51 am
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DariaTheGirlWhoLovesPizza wrote a review...



Hey, here to review. I loved the picture that went with this poem, and the metaphor that connected the whole time about the monster. I also actually enjoyed the ending. This poem took something familiar “the monster under the bed,” and transformed it into a meaningful relateable poem.. something people go through sometimes.

I don’t really have any critique, except the moment where the “person” realized they were the monster. I feel it was a tad rushed at that part. Like maybe the poem should’ve been longer.

Other than that, I liked this poem a lot! I actually read this awhile ago but I wanted to review something, and I found it again! Soo here you go. Plus, if you ask me, you’re underrated.

As always, keep writing!

-Daria




Sree says...


Thanks for your review. I appreciate you in taking your time to read and rev it.
Encouraging.



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Fri Jul 26, 2019 2:51 pm
ABC123 wrote a review...



Hi Sree, there are a few things that I'm going to cover in this review.
Firstly, I'd to say that the concept that you've written about is probably something more common than people might realise. Children especially are nearly always worried about something that might be hiding under the bed, whether that's a creature from a book or a monster from a film on the telly. This makes it, as OmMolly put it, a very relatable piece of work.
Now to some constructive criticism, which you can either take on or discard, I don't mind. Sorry, I know it's a bit long but none of it is meant to cause you any offence!
1. In the first line, "There is something under my bed and that's not a monster", I tell myself," the choice of the word "that's," for me doesn't fit, personally I would choose to use the word "it's," as I think that would flow more easily. I would also be consistent on whether or not you decide to shorten words using apostrophes or not.
2. In the phrase "But deep inside my heart..." I would add a comma after the words "but deep inside," so that they are separated from the next phrase. I would also change "that's sarcasm" to "that is sarcasm," I think this would make the phrase stand out more and make more of an impact on the reader.
3. The 'I' in "But It's" shouldn't be a capital letter.
4. In this sentence, "I see something, uncertainty, that's a terrible monster," to make it flow more easily I would swap around the word 'uncertainty' and the phrase "that's a terrible monster."
5. In the phrase "the heart makes me feel the cowardness," I'm not sure that the word 'cowardness' fits here properly, I think it's meant to be either 'cowardice' or 'cowardliness,' not sure which though.
There we go! I hope all of this helps and thank you for writing this piece, I really like it.
Please keep on writing.
ABC123




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Tue Jul 23, 2019 8:01 am
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silented1 says...



I have a review for this but it won't let me post it. It's long.




Sree says...


Oh you can post it by parts then
Or you can pm that to me. :)



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Tue Jul 23, 2019 2:39 am
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OmMolly says...



Wow, well done.

This poem I really relate to in many ways.
Actually sometimes my heart makes me look at the stuff scarely, while my head encourages me to look at it from another corner.
I liked this line.
" The mind knows what we are and heart makes us feel it. "

No words can really say much but THANK YOU, you have done a beautiful work.




Sree says...


Thank you for your encouraging words and your precious time <3333
Glad that you liked it. :)



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Mon Jul 22, 2019 4:11 pm
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Eros wrote a review...



Hiii dearest Sree!!!

I am here after a loooong time...How are you?? I missed you and YWS a loooot!!

So ... This is a really sweet and indeed a deep poem. I really find that the picture over there... AMAZING. It's sooo sweet and adds a cherry on the top of the cake. Ahh.. Your poem is as sweet as the cake...

Coming back to the review, the theme pf the poem, "Under My Bed" is beautiful. The idea swims between the reality and the imaginary monsters. There is fear, there is courage, there is darkness, there is light... All these things are blended into one in a smooth way... As smooth as cream, I must say.

Fear: The feeling that there is a monster under the bed, upon where you are sleeping is obviously going to trigger the adrenaline hormone to get released into your blood. This feeling is expressed nicely.

Courage:
"I step down and crawl myself under the bed."

I would have definitely not done that. If i was in this situation in reality, I would have clinged to my teddy bear and squeezed my eyes shut, chanting prayers in a hope of falling asleep as quickly as possible. But in your poem, you have added the gentle, yet strong touch of courage. That makes the poem stand out as a unique piece of writing.
I love it, totally.

Darkness:
The idea of the monsters being the representation of darkness is a very good thought. I Love it.

Light:

The introspection added in between like toppings on a cake, adds the light to the poem. Oh Gosh, do i have an obsession with the cake, or is your poem really sweet as i said before that it is getting my attention only towards the cake? xD My heart says it's your poem being sweet. <3

Love your poem. It was creative indeed. Deserves a like from me... Keep writing!!
I would love to keep reading and keep reviewing your works... <3

Have a great evening!

With love,
From Eros.
:D




Sree says...


Awwwwww <333 Lovely review from you. Thanks for your time. You just made my day.
Really great to hear from you after a long time.
Hope to read your works soon. %u2763%uFE0F



Eros says...


Welcome! :D

yeaaaah !! I will be writing soon... Now I'll never go away from YWS... :D



Sree says...


YAYYYYYY!!! Can't wait to read 'em.
See 'round then <33333
And yeah, dare not go away. Stay in touch. :)



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Mon Jul 22, 2019 12:53 pm
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's begin.
So I have been waiting to read and review one of your works for a long time, and this was quiet worth it.
So out of the whole poem I only saw one small mistake.

"Who sent the monster here", I whisper.

Okay so the only thing wrong with this is a punctuation mistake, after here in the sentence above, you should but a question mark there. It will make this feel more like a question.
Other than that I really liked this poem, it's a bit like my work I wrote called Nighttime Surprise. And I truly can relate to this poem, I didn't think there was a monster under my bed, but I used to be afraid of the strange shadows on the walks and the strange sounds going on outside, so yes this pulled a few strings for me. Oohh to be young! XD
Anyway I like the meaning behind this poem, it was really fun to read and it was like a trip down memory lane.
I thought the flow of the poem was really good, all the words moshed together really well, making this a very enjoyable read.
Anyway that's the review for now, I'm really happy you asked me to read your work it made me really happy. I hope you will write more now, I've really missed reading your works. So don't ever stop writing and have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion!




Sree says...


Thanks for your review <3
And I meant that question to be rhetorical... Wasn't sure if I could use that question mark there. Since that wasn't my intention.
Glad you had good read.
I'll try to write poems and will let ya.
Have a nice day



Sree says...


Thanks for your review <3
And I meant that question to be rhetorical... Wasn't sure if I could use that question mark there. Since that wasn't my intention.
Glad you had good read.
I'll try to write poems and will let ya.
Have a nice day





Hmm okay I understand that!



Sree says...


:)



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Mon Jul 22, 2019 10:55 am
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silvermoon17 wrote a review...



I must admit this poem could pull on one’s heartstrings.
The image is not amazing or memorable really, but it sets the mood- it really does. Starting with the structure, I; from my point of view- think the twist appears much too early. I’m not sure if anyone else felt it, but I directly knew it would somehow be the boy on the bed the monster. But since the poem is short, I can understand.
Maybe you could have developed imagery at the beginning, and thoughts; and more of that character development. There just is too much “going under the bed” and too little “I am afraid of what’s underneath.”
Rhymes are irregular. Most of the time you can’t hear them, or they even aren’t there; but it’s usually AABB.
For the message I think it could be
•he is afraid of who he is
•he sees himself as a monster
But both are so close to meaning the same think, that it might be both. I still really think the twist would’ve had notebooks effect on us if the unraveling of plot had happened this way:
-the whole “it must be my mind imagining things”
-the part where he crawls underneath
-the part he sees himself
I also think the mirror idea was kind of rushed.
Some people use an actual mirror instead of a bed and the main character sees himself as a monster inside
Some even look in the water, and last but not least; some actually make a whole sequence of someone fleeing a monster- when it’s actually themselves.
Even though I might recall someone doing the same as you, it’s not as common- still, remember you must first develop a character, and give the plot twist at the end


Oh and, imagery. Metaphors and similes and personification and all that stuff you never remember about when you leave school.




Sree says...


Thanks for taking your time in reading this and reviewing it
I'll implement your suggestions in future poems. That's a good observation. :)



silvermoon17 says...


thanks :) if you have any poems you'd like me to read, i'd be happy to do so



Sree says...


Ah Great! I would like to hear your thoughts on The Staircase



silvermoon17 says...


Working on it :)



Sree says...


:D Thank ya!




These were autumn mornings, the time of year when kings of old went forth to conquest; and I, never stirring from my little corner in Calcutta, would let my mind wander over the whole world.
— Rabindranath Tagore, The Cabuliwallah