Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
I've never understood space travel. Being in the void of space is like being miles under the ocean's surface, no? If your vessel is punctured, you die. If you run out of air, you die. If you run into a void creature, you die. No matter how you slice it, there is always a risk of death.
I am perfectly content to be planetbound; listening to adventurer's tales as I serve them a hearty potato-and-meat stew is enough spice in my life.
"So there the Kree was, all sweet and cuddly as, y'know, void creatures are." The tavern patrons around the storyteller guffawed at the obvious sarcasm. "It was poised to devour our ship, and I could count every one of its knife-like teeth."
I spun away from their table as I delivered more stew and local vegetables to the other side of the tavern. As I passed by them again on my way back to the kitchen, I heard the storyteller continuing, "The strange thing was, as we were attacking it, I saw a flash of light in its eyes. And it looked confused for a second."
I brought out another round of drinks, making good use of the mug-balancing skills that had taken me a few weeks to learn. I slammed them onto the wooden tables, though they hardly made any noise compared to the rest of the rowdy tavern. I couldn't wait to get home and enjoy some peace and quiet. Well, assuming the couple in the neighboring apartment weren't at each other's throats again about who'd gambled away the rest of the money.
"Then the Kree fled. I must've scared it off with my missiles," the adventurer boasted. There was a round of riotous laughter once again as the adventurer's companions joined in with stories of their own.
Finally, my shift ended. I nodded to my coworkers and trudged out of the tavern, my shadow growing and shrinking as I walked under the LED lamp posts. I took a deep breath. The stars were out now, though I could see only a couple of them through the light pollution. Still, it was fortunate that there were no smog clouds blocking them tonight.
"Mrrow."
I stopped and scoured the shadows. A cat imported from Earth? Or maybe one of the local fauna? I sighed and kept walking. Never mind. I couldn't be bothered to deal with any strays; it was hard enough to earn the coin necessary to support myself.
"Mrrrrrrrow."
I ignored the sound. The animal's owner would find it soon enough, or it'd die and be quickly forgotten, just like the rest of the people who survived on the dregs of this society.
A shape leaped across the pool of light cast by the streetlight in front of me. I froze. That was not a cat. It was too large, and too spiky, and it... was on top of me.
"Umph." Air rushed out of my lungs like debris ejected into space as I found myself on the sidewalk, looking wide-eyed up at a void creature.
The void creature looked back at me with glassy black eyes. I opened my mouth to scream.
"Shhh!" a frantic voice said as a hand covered my mouth.
I bit the hand, and the owner yelped a curse as they quickly yanked their hand back. I frowned. It tasted like something sweet. Like... cake. How long had it been since I'd had cake? That wasn't important right now. I scrambled to my feet.
The owner of the hand looked like a young man, not too different from some of the adventurers who frequented the tavern. He was cursing under his breath as he examined his injured hand. My eyes darted to the void creature, which he was holding with his other arm.
"That is a void creature," I hissed. "An abnormally tiny one, but still a Kree." What in Earth's name was going on?
"Yes, and you bit my hand." The man glared at me.
"Self-defense. You could be a thief, kidnapper, murderer, or criminal, for all I know." I thought for a moment. "Maybe a drug trafficker."
"Wh- I'm a baker, for Sol's sake!"
Oh. That explained the cake taste. "You still have a void creature. That's suspicious." I narrowed my eyes.
"I promise you, it all makes sense. It's just, uh, a long story. Now, I don't suppose we can part ways and pretend this never happened?" He did a remarkable job of smoothing his irritated expression into a diplomatic one. "I'll even forgive you for the biting-my-hand thing."
"Hmm. On one condition."
"What?"
"Bake me a cake. Or else I tell the authorities and everyone else I know that you're in illegal possession of a Kree." Now, I'm not usually an extorter, but I'd just discovered an intense craving for cake. Heck, how long had it been since I'd had just plain chocolate?
"Hey. You don't even know my name, so you couldn't do anything--"
"Astro Ayasun." I pointed at his nametag, which was conveniently illuminated by the streetlight.
"Crap. Forgot I was wearing that." He removed the nametag, about five minutes too late. Astro huffed. "Fine. Come by the Ad Astra Bakery tomorrow, at six in the morning sharp."
"Your parents named you 'Star' and you work at a bakery named 'To the stars'?" I raised an eyebrow at him. Occasionally, my Latin elective in secondary school came in handy. Unfortunately, not for any job prospects.
It was hard to tell in the dim light, but Astro seemed to blush. He muttered, "So what? What matters is that you don't tell anybody." He spun on his heel and walked away, the void creature purring contentedly in his arms.
"Alright, I'll tell a ghost then."
He shot a glare at me over his shoulder. I laughed. I hadn't had anyone to tease in... probably around the same length of time that I hadn't had cake. I didn't want to think about that anymore.
I waved at him, then continued my walk home, the glow of each streetlight reminding me of the void creature's reflective eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
I may not answer my mails in time, but I do read when I am asked to 😉
Ohh there are void creatures, similar to the scary stuff that lurks in the deep oceans? (Which I am told only look scary. *nodnod*) [And this lead me to watch the Ryan George video on the ocean and then I got stuck on youtube for way too long]
Oh this rly has the vibe of sailors of olden times talking abt their adventures 😊
I wish we got a bit more info on the “storyteller” than just this descriptor. Are they all humans? Is this person from a specific human faction? Just what do they look like?
We’re still dealing with coin? That sounds even more like a fantasy setting in a sci-fi setting =D
Hmmm I also would have liked more description on where our MC is. Some… atmospheric scene setting, a better vibe than just “yes we can see the stars”. And the reason for ignoring the animal is also rather flimsy. MC thinks abt the cat-thing but… we get no direction where the sound comes from, no sense of space. Are they in an open area? A narrow street?
It’s especially weird bc MC didn’t think to check on whether or not the cat is dangerous beforehand. For how long have they been living on this planet if they cannot tell if this is a local thing or not and then don’t care to check? It seems all very contrived.
I like this description: “Air rushed out of my lungs like debris ejected into space” !
What I don’t like is that there is no…description of how it feels that the MC lands on the sidewalk. Does it hurt? Or are they just so overwhelmed with shock? It feels like there is some info abt that missing!
Okay and this also confusing bc where does that new person come from: “as a hand covered my mouth.” Or did the void creature spawn a hand and can talk in more than meows now? XD
My first thought on this: “It tasted like something sweet. Like... cake.“ Does this person have diabetes? Second thought: Were they eating cake? Third thought: Is this an alien? In this order xd
Are “Kree” a nationality or why are they capitalized?
Aha! Baker. Maybe MC can weasel cake out of this encounter now that the void creature no longer attempts to murder them :3
Idk if that is the right line of dialogue to use here: “ it all makes sense.” Bc baker person doesn’t want to elaborate and this kinda implies that there will be elaboration? Maybe something like “it’s not what it looks” but…hm same problem. I just feel like the way you have it fits even less. Oh this is difficult.
I maintain that MC had a right to bite that hand and if baker person lets their void creature wander around to jump on ppl and then is afraid that they start screaming… well that is entirely on the baker!
“Bake me a cake.“ YES! Mwahahahaw I love it!
Ah it might help to have at least some context to the void creature to have this strong reaction. More musings from the MC abt where they come from and what they mean for a planet. I felt like the tavern scene was very weak so you could have used that to flesh out these monster thingies to better prepare us for a real one? Because right now, my brain things: space kraken to destroy space ship and shadow leopard are two different species xd [I refuse to believe they are the same, atm!]
The other reason why I think the tavern scene is weak is because… hm it feels very detached from the plot. If you skip it with a short summary of the MC complaining abt the long work hours and rowdy off-world sailors, I don’t think much would have been lost? What did you want to rly convey with the scene? The introduction of the setting and the void creatures? The setting would have worked just as well with a city description (maybe the ships starting and landing etc) and MC remembering the farfetched stories of today’s patrons? If you rly want to keep the scene it needs to do more. It needs to be more immersive but you only have this one conversation there which the MC is not even partaking in and everything else feels very… shallow and unimportant.
Hm I like the idea of mr baker having a void creature friend/pet (no idea how intelligent they are bc they kinda dropped from the plot the second the conversation started). I wonder how he got it and what it means so I would be curious about this!
But I also feel like there is very little keeping me engaged otherwise. I didn’t know enough abt void creatures to feel how serious the thread is. The baker himself was rather casual about being discovered. I didn’t get a sense of …danger from anything or …at least tension? There was the brief moment of the not-cat lunging at the MC which was engaging but the second we knew it was safe, the story dragged. I want to care about this bc on paper it seems so interesting but I feel like there’s still a lot of groundwork missing.
I like the idea of the MC asking for cake and some of their lines of dialogue too (telling a ghost comes to mind xd) but it just further serves to downplay the situation. I was missing so many emotional reactions from them. Their our window into the plot and they didn’t really… convey how I should feel about what is happening.
Have a great day,
Tikaa
I may not answer my reviews on time, but I do answer them eventually
LOLL I think the ocean can be a great inspiration for fantasy and sci-fi =P
Ooh good point, especially for sci-fi.
Yeah, I was trying to aim for a mix of fantasy/dungeon/adventure plus sci-fi vibes. =P
Ahh thank you for pointing this out! I def don't want anything in my stories to feel contrived, but I can't always tell when it is because I'm stuck in my own writer's viewpoint xD
XDDD
Ah, good catch; it should be lowercased since it's like a species name.
Hmm... maybe something like, "I promise you, there is a reasonable explanation for all this. It's just, uh, a very long one." is better??
Makes sense. It was mainly for the setting and introducing the void creatures plus a hint that they're not all they seem, but more could def be done with it.
...oops. XD MC should probs be keeping an eye on it...
Thanks for the insightful comments and reactions, Tikaa!! All the best =D
Hello friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.
Per my interpretation, this was an interesting start to a novel! While I don't feel like it shows much of what to expect in the future chapters, it was still a really fun and detailed read that can be built upon really well later!
The chapter starts off in a bar with people telling stories of void creatures, with the bartender paying no mind to it and just waiting for their shift to end. When it does end, they walk outside and hear a cat, or at least what they thought was a cat. It turns out it was a void creature—a void creature that was someone's "pet." When the owner, Astro, shows up, there's a whole thing between him and the main character that ends with Astro agreeing to make them cake.
This was a very original plot that was still incredibly entertaining!
If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be something that I really only picked out because there was nothing noticeably wrong with this. With that being said, when you were talking about the void creature being ontop of the main character, you said,
In this context, the way you paused after the word "it" seems a little unnatural. So my advice is to maybe change where the pause is. It feels like it would be more natural if it came after "was" instead of "it," in my opinion, and maybe looked more like this:
But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.
If I had to pick my favorite part, there would be a couple! This was a really fun read, with a lot of great things circulating through it!
The first thing that really caught my eye was a few sentences in the opening paragraph. Not only was it a really great description, but it was also a really nice comparison as well! The sentences I'm talking about are:
Comparing how unpredictable and terrifying space is to how unpredictable and terrifying the ocean is was an incredible choice on your end. Things like that have happened in the ocean before, and often times a lot of people hear about it, so the way you described it has the ability to evoke a very vivid and quite unsettling image, both in really good ways. So kudos to you for that!
The other thing that I really liked about this was the subtle humor that was cast into the writing, especially when you said,
This is an absolutely stellar dad joke, and I love it with all of my heart! A good dad joke just makes me so happy for seemingly no reason, and this is a great example of that. It was also very elusive, and you kind of have to think about it to understand the joke, which I also really like, so good job with that!
One more thing I want to say, but I don't have a quote for it, is how unique this opening plot felt at first. I've obviously seen bartenders listening to boring stories and people bribing for things like cake. But the way this is written and presented, with the characters and setting, feels really new and distinct, and I found that really cool and enticing. It makes me excited for what comes next, which means you did a great job as a writer!
Overall, this was a really fascinating opening chapter, and I had a nice time reading it! I do wish it would have pointed a little more in the direction the story was planning to go, but it was still a really strong start to a novel!
Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!
Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!
Thanks so much for the helpful review, Michelle!! ^-^
Making it original and entertaining was pretty much my goal, so I'm so glad you thought that!
Ooh yeah, reading that part again, your rearrangement does sound better. Thanks for pointing that out!
Ahaha glad you liked the joke!
YESYES THANK YOU. Okay this is seriously the highest compliment I think I can get, because my major goal in writing is to be creative and unique. I despise tropes, so I take every opportunity to flip them or to try something new xD So, I really appreciate this ^-^
I hope you have a wonderful day/night too!! =D
Eyo whatup!
You know, I wish I saw more sci-fi around this site! It's such a fun genre. On that topic, we're gonna talk about sci-fi world-building specifically. Let's go.
First off! This is kinda applicable to world-building in general, but you've done a great job introducing the concept of void creatures! There's the casual sentence thrown in with all the other problems-of-space-travel stuff in the intro, and then the restaurant-goers talking about encounters with the creatures later on. It's very clear that these creatures are an important part of life, and also we get a sense for what they are, what they do, and what people think of them, all without ever going into explanation territory. Then you even got the little void creature in as (what I assume) is going to be a major plot point.
Setting the baseline for these creatures and turning that baseline on its head all in the first chapter is really stellar work! (lol. pun.)
Next, I'd like to see you start to apply some of that in-world baseline-setting to other aspects of the world. You implied that this planet that your main character starts out on isn't Earth--what can be included, without taking away from the action, that sets this planet apart? If gravity is different, does it affect things like the heights of buildings (or lamp-posts?), or the ways that people move? i.e. if the gravity is less than Earth's, would you include more leaping, striding, floating in the verb vocabulary, or trudging, dragging, slogging in a heavier gravity? Do the local building materials differ in color, or are the restaurant's beverages made from a local flora?
You don't have to compare them to Earth, even. Just calling out a color or material that we earthlings might find unusual will point to that object being from outer space.
I urge you to try to set the "vibe" of your sci-fi setting very early on, because those futuristic elements, or the particular places in which you decide that things get futuristic, really matter in sci-fi. Unlike a lot of adventure fantasy (especially ones set in Europe, though this can be applied somewhat to other reference cultures), where we have a very clear history to draw from when filling in blanks, science fiction is entirely speculative. There aren't as many shortcuts, and your readers are likely to have either less, or extremely varied, background knowledge. There also isn't an extant architectural language that you can use to describe buildings or structures that could be centuries away from us. So it falls on you to pay particular attention to creating a firm idea of what the world looks, feels, sounds, smells--and maybe even tastes--like.
I mean, try not to go overboard. I'm definitely one of those people who gets a little too into that kind of detail. But I do think you can use a little more setting description to ground all the plot-related details of the world-building a little more.
Hope this helps! Can't wait to see what you do with this.
-Vento
Hey Vento!! Always makes me happy to get one of your reviews. And yess, sci-fi is amazing. :]
XD Thanks! (And good pun.)
Ooh interesting questions. I wrote this on a whim for fun, but if I continue this, I'll definitely flesh out the world more. Those are excellent details to think about and slip in there. Thanks!
Oh, that's a great point. Hm. In general, I struggle with not describing settings enough, so I'll try to keep this in mind haha.
Thanks again for the helpful review!! Have a wonderful day/night =D