Why can’t we spend sentimental summers,
Surfing and smiling and enjoying life?
Lying in the sand, the sea running through our fingers,
And the strum, strum, strumming of your guitar.
My heart beats like the drum in your band.
And it would be faster if we could only be more,
Than just great friends.
But its like we’re playing poker, and I don’t know how to play.
And everybody’s cheating, but I don’t know what to say.
And I look at my cards, but I don’t know…
Who makes the first move?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello, Sophie! I'm Lee, here fifteen years too late to review your poem. I hope some day you read my review, but for whatever it's worth, I'll put it up anyway.
Others mentioned that it isn't particularly eye-catching; I disagree. While it doesn't really shine with brilliance, the rich imagery and sounds (the little rhymes especially) made this poem stand out quite efficiently.
However, it isn't perfect. There are a couple of parts I think can be tweaked just a little bit.
Normally it would be the other way around, but seeing as how that's cliche, it felt quite refreshing to read this.
Loved this.
Can we make this "like a drum in your hand?" It sounds much better, and it also adds to the essence of the next line, you know?
A couple of things that can be changed:
*The comma should be removed; it breaks a solid sentence in two.
"it would be faster if we could only..." - This should be, "it would be faster if only we could..."
It's, not its.
Bad ending. The mood is soft and gentle, with a touch f anticipation, then it comes off as a flurry of worry. And the sudden introduction of poker, of all things... Why, really? One gets the impression that others are playing this "game" - so you assume there are other people vying for the narrator's crush's attention - but then you seem to have only used this comparison to say you don't now who makes the first move. There are so many other ways you could have made that while keeping the idea of two people awkwardly in love with each other; instead of poker, perhaps a game of chess would be suitable.
So yeah, it's a fairly good poem. The ending disappointed me, but if you work on that this has a lot of potential.
I hope my review was useful!
Keep writing, wherever you are
- Lee
But I am crap at poems Emma, wait till you see my artwork .MWAHAHAHAHA!
lol
Its good but of course, it didn't catch my eye. If you worked one it, making it stand out more I bet it would be alot better.
AND LOLLIPOP STOP PUTTING YOUR SELF DOWN! Thank you.
I thought this was a good poem but didn't really capture my attention. What am I saying, my poems are crap!
I didn't really think it was that great, but it could be with some work.
Ok, I liked that. That was really neat and really caught your attention on the first line. A very good trait
I liked the first line, but the rest was a little strange. The comparison to the strumming of a guitar really didn't touch me or make sense.
The first two lines were interesting and caught your attention especially with that little rhyme, but the ending was definitely not as powerful as it could have been. I think this could be good, but it really didn't move me.
Cliche, on the short line in the middle should be changed. Too simple and not subtle enough. Some nice images but need to be expanded upon.
This seems a little short. I think you've got some nice images, but it could be better if you took some more time to explain exactly what you're saying...