Hello, Sophie! I'm Lee, here fifteen years too late to review your poem. I hope some day you read my review, but for whatever it's worth, I'll put it up anyway.
Others mentioned that it isn't particularly eye-catching; I disagree. While it doesn't really shine with brilliance, the rich imagery and sounds (the little rhymes especially) made this poem stand out quite efficiently.
However, it isn't perfect. There are a couple of parts I think can be tweaked just a little bit.
Lying in the sand, the sea running through our fingers,
Normally it would be the other way around, but seeing as how that's cliche, it felt quite refreshing to read this.
And the strum, strum, strumming of your guitar.
Loved this.
My heart beats like the drum in your band.
Can we make this "like a drum in your hand?" It sounds much better, and it also adds to the essence of the next line, you know?
And it would be faster if we could only be more,
Than just great friends.
A couple of things that can be changed:
*The comma should be removed; it breaks a solid sentence in two.
"it would be faster if we could only..." - This should be, "it would be faster if only we could..."
But its like we’re playing poker,
It's, not its.
And everybody’s cheating, but I don’t know what to say.
And I look at my cards, but I don’t know…
Who makes the first move?
Bad ending. The mood is soft and gentle, with a touch f anticipation, then it comes off as a flurry of worry. And the sudden introduction of poker, of all things... Why, really? One gets the impression that others are playing this "game" - so you assume there are other people vying for the narrator's crush's attention - but then you seem to have only used this comparison to say you don't now who makes the first move. There are so many other ways you could have made that while keeping the idea of two people awkwardly in love with each other; instead of poker, perhaps a game of chess would be suitable.
So yeah, it's a fairly good poem. The ending disappointed me, but if you work on that this has a lot of potential.
I hope my review was useful!
Keep writing, wherever you are
- Lee
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Reviews: 278
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