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Young Writers Society



Daddy's Not Here

by Snoink


The squirts don’t know Daddy’s here.
They scream and thrash calling out (incessantly)
Daddy’s name -- on a full bus no less --
and kick my seat so that my back goes out
and comes to haunt me.

I want to tell them to shut up.
I want to tell them to stop their kicking.
But their mommy is there and besides
they are only kids who don't know that
Daddy's up front, his head tilted sideways so that he can see
both his daughters and the scenery flying past
and feels the heat of his son, sitting at his side (quietly).

A girl taps my shoulder and says, "Daddy, look,"
and as I turn away
He stands up and calls, "What?" and delight
enters their faces. Laughing, they ask him to
move down, but he refuses
and turns to the fields of wheat.


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57 Reviews

Points: 4532
Reviews: 57

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Sun Aug 02, 2009 12:49 am
VeraWinters wrote a review...



I really like this.
Children always depend on the parents so much, but sometimes parents don't return the favor.
It's good to see someone use this idea in a poem.
The good:#
There are a lot of layers to this, every time I read it there is a new aspect.
The perspective you have chosen is very good, it allows you to observe the situation, It would have been sappy if it was by the child who adores him or the mother.
The bad:
The lines are a bit choppy, try and straighten them out.
There are a couple of punctuation errors
I don't really like putting things in brackets in poetry
Just some constructive criticism.
Keep Writing

Vera




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1464 Reviews

Points: 15394
Reviews: 1464

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Fri Jul 31, 2009 11:35 pm
Juniper wrote a review...



MY HEART IS HAPPY.

Snoink poetry. Mmm.

So! When I read this the first time, I instantly enjoyed it. To start, it sounds like it's coming from a frustrated bus rider (no, seriously??) which is pretty exciting to me (no sarcasm intended).

They scream and thrash calling out (incessantly)


I think a comma is needed after thrash! Because it sounds run-on-ish and kind of doesn't make sense without a comma.



I want to tell them to shut up.

I want to tell them to stop their kicking.


And here! The second line is kind of big, and the repetition is a little unpretty. I wouldn't take out all of it, just take out "I want to" and leave the rest of the line, maybe?

- - -

So!

I thought this was rather cute, (though the final stanza did confuse me slightly-- I wasn't sure if the girl was talking to the narrator or talking to Daddy or what?). I loved the ending-- very subtle, but effective closing, 'Rina. I'm not sure why, but this reminds me of Teague's poem, An Ant's Tale. Perhaps it's because they both were inspired by bus-riding?

It's a good poem, Rina. :D It made my day of poetry-shredding a lot better (xD), and I obviously don't have much to say on it! I demand a large supply of Snoink-poetry in the forums, too.

=D

June





Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
— Philip Pullman