Young Writers Society

A quick review

Overall, I loved the poem. The rhyme scheme was exquisite, and the sensory detail, especially vision, added to the joy of reading your work.

However, there are still a few things that could be edited in order to form a more perfect piece.

First and foremost, capitalization was an error I frequently came across. For example, the following sentences have capitalization errors:
Line eleven: "What should i do"(Error: "i" to "I")
Line twenty-three: "Alone and free, i fly with the wind"(Error: "i" to "I")
Line twenty-eight: "What should i do"(Error: "i" to "I")

Moreover, line nine of this poem is as follows:
"My hearth is sealed"
In the context of love, I believe the word, "hearth," should be changed to "heart." This may have been a error in typing, or I may be missing an area of context and/or relevance to a hearth.

Furthermore, line five of this poem is as follows:
"I am a man in a boys world"
For the meaning that you are trying to portray, the word "boys" should turn into "boys'"(An apostrophe has been added after the "s" in the word, "boys," to show that A) There are multiple boys; and B) The world is inhabited by, or belongs to, the aforementioned boys)

Additionally, I believe that using more vivid vocabulary could further improve upon this piece. Adding words with a connotation that works in favor of what you are trying to express greatly enhances your poem. For example, a few lines that could be changed include, but are not limited to:
Line six: "A bullet is shot when bad words are hurled"
>Improvement: Change "bad words" to "obscenities," "profanities," or "invective(this is the correct form of the word for the sentence in reference)."
>Improvement: Change "shot" to "fired" or "discharged(You could remove the word, "is," to maintain the poem's flow)."
Line twelve(Including its duplicates: thirteen, twenty-nine, and thirty): "When this world takes you(...)"
>Improvement: Change "takes" to "grasps," "grabs," "steals," or "grips."

Likewise, rearranging a few of your sentences could also prove beneficial to making your poem flow more and have a tone which better suits the mood of this piece. For example, a few lines that could be rearranged include, but are not limited to:
Line two: "You hear the song of a hateful bird"
>Change: "Heard is the song of a hateful bird"
Line nineteen: "Sanity of man slowly wither"
>Change: "Man's sanity shall slowly wither" (Note: In order for this line to be correct in its original form, the word, "wither," must be made plural. However, the pluralization of the word in the original poem would not function with the rhyme scheme. In order to fix that, rearranging the sentence in this way serves to not only help the poem flow better but to make it grammatically correct whilst maintaining the intended rhyme scheme.)

Evidently, this poem could be fixed in many places. However, my suggestions are not the only ways to fix the errors I have found. Despite the numerous improvements that could be made, this piece still remains of high quality in its original form. I encourage you to keep writing, and in order to enhance your future works, implement the use of a thesaurus into your writing process. Also, before you make your future pieces public, check for small grammatical mistakes such as capitalization, punctuation, and spelling. Overall, this piece was well-written despite a few common errors, and I definitely enjoyed reading it.

Hey! Squirtlepowiee here for another review! Such amazing talent you possess...

I interpreted this as cyber bullying going on without punishment and without fear. Faceless people are what people assume they are online, anonymous, and free to say whatever they like. I love how you poem conveys this message, of this sort of bullying is what is slowly chipping away at the sanity of this race called humanity. It’s beautiful. Now onto the tiny nitpicks:

Thousands of voices that go unheard
You hear the song of a hateful bird
I love these lines because to me, they say that in the thousands of voices online, the most hateful, dreadful ones are heard and given attention. Very sad.


“I am a man in a boys world” I had to do a lot of interpreting on this line. I think it means that the bullies think they are “adults” as adults have the most control over their lives. And saying that “I” am a man in a world of boys shows the feeling of power they are experiencing when bullying someone online. They are taking control over the other person’s life. Now, what I recommend is that you add this explanation into the line somehow. That would save other people a lot of interpreting and they will understand this beautiful line better.

“A bullet is shot when bad words are hurled” The rhythm in this line throws off the balance of the rhythm in the previous lines. Try to keep the number of syllables in each line constant.

“By the red dove” I also love this line. I know that a red dove symbolizes rule and power over others. I absolutely love the metaphors used in your poem.

“What should i do” Previously you had “i” capitalized. I feel like here is a transitioning point in your story, where the perspective changes from ruler to subject, from bully to bullied. Again, I cannot tell you how beautiful this is. A capitalized I meaning respect and being listened to and i meaning a tiny, weak someone. Wow.

“When the world takes you When the world takes you…” I feel like the repetition is not necessary here. Your story tells enough. Same for the other part that repeats.

“There is no source Almost exactly the same” A perfect closing to your poem. Strong and simple. Gaaaah I love it sooo much!! *Likes poem* I totally agree. Each bully impacts their victims differently. Each victim reacts differently. A different story for each person.

You did great. I had a lot to complement about this poem. It was so well written. It is rare to find a poem these days that convey their message somewhat clearly to clear. This poem is one of those rare ones. Overall, I would say: work on your rhythm. Try to stay constant throughout the entire poem. MAH GOOODDDDDDD SO AMAZIN! KEEP WRITINNNGG!!!

~Greetings from Squirtlepowiee

WOW, that was awesome! I mean really I was never MUCH for poems, but that,that was amazing, I felt like I was a part of the poem like I could see it all! You are great, awesome job.

Out of all the awesomeness I only have one little thing, their was a random "w" in a line, I will show you,

"What should I do w"

Now I don't no if you ment to put a question mark their but maybe the question mark would have bin best and maybe get rid of that random "w"

Other then that I LOVED it, awesome work, keep writing and have an awesome day